Yet Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "Hair Styler" kiosk in the Newbury Mall in Carlton, DE did while working on April 20, 2013:

 

 

• giggled while thinking about Michelle Obama's hairdo before the bangs

• gave two lost shoppers directions to the public restrooms

• fantasized about actor Bruce Greenwood again

• tried to use the word "y'all" in a sales pitch- to disastrous effect

The following is an accurate account of what Todd, attendant at the Radio Kontrol Fantasies kiosk in Jembry Mall in Jembry, AK did while working on April 26, 2013:

 

 • texted Elmer about the tooth

• left a voicemail with Elmer, asking about the tooth

• sent Elmer an email with the subject line "re: the tooth?????"

The following is an accurate account of what Monica S, attendant at the "Braid That Shit" kiosk in the Yancey Mall in Willowville, MD did while working on the afternoon of April 27, 2013:
 

 

• counted the hours till she could masturbate again

• made a mental note to get party hats

• gave the finger to little children when their parents weren't looking

• sneaked a few Corn Pops from her drawer

The following is an accurate account of what Dominic, attendant at the "Super Cell" kiosk in Annapolis Mall in Annapolis, MD did while working on April 30, 2013:

 

 

• counted that goddamn money like it was his

• fanned himself with $400 like he was a playa

• wondered what Nicole would say if she could see him now

• tried to hide his erection from passers by

The following is an accurate account of what Chelsea, attendant at the "La Parfumerie" kiosk in the Trenton Shopping Center in Dovetail, MS did while working on May 3, 2013:

 

• OH SHIT WAS I SUPPOSED TO WORK TODAY

 

The following is an accurate account of what Kaitlyn, attendant at the "Drive and Talk" kiosk in the Massé Shopping Mall in Los Elenas, CA did while working on May 7, 2013:

 

• picked her ass out of her thong

• smelled her fingers after picking the thong out of her ass

• searched for Purel

The following is an accurate account of what Mathilde and Céline, attendantes at the "Candie Hoo Hoo" kiosk in the Waisyll Mall in Quebec, Canada did while working on May 13, 2013: 

 

• called their universal healthcare provider to make sure their information was up to date

• resumed that eternal debate about milk chocolate versus dark chocolate

• discussed Lumiere from "Beauty and the Beast"

• compared/adjusted their bras

• conjugated irregular verbs for the hell of it

The following is an accurate account of what Dark Raven, attendant at the unnamed iPhone case kiosk in the Maxie's Shopping Center in Milwaukee, WI did while working on May 21, 2013:  

 

• wrote more bad goth poetry

• conjured a malignancy curse against her parents and that new asshole substitute teacher

• beat her score on Subway Surfers

• planned her suicide on the new Wunderlist app

The following is an accurate account of what Gilhük, attendant at the Centrum+ Zdravi kiosk in the Gukksenschaverhaalmaart in Dresden, Germany did while working on May 25, 2013: 

 

• tillhöpped the fluggenschiedder

• Îngenhappfed the übersvekkenungenst

• åchfreigged her Brachenschioostentrakenskrågger

The following is an accurate account of what Misti and Kristi, attendants at the "Baked Kindness" kiosk in the Mall of Southern Maine in Bangor, ME will do while working on May 29, 2013: 

 

• bitch about not getting to sit on stools

• make lame jokes with the word "bundt"

• vomit at separate times, although neither of them is bulimic

• pretend to be besties even though they hate each other

• discuss pets and the need for them

• play that game that guys play where you make the other person look at the ring you made with your fingers and then fuck their boyfriend when they're out of town... that's how the game goes, right?

Oh Say Can You See... Racist Appliances?

No Words.

I took a poop at Pathmark (don't ask) and spotted this:




"Meat?!" That's all it says? And why did an employee take it into a bathroom stall? Why does it just say "meat?" What was he doing with "meat" in the bathroom? My head hurts. But my ass feels so much better.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, welcome to Satin Dolls Gentlemenses' Club. It'll be ten bucks."

"Okay."

"Enjoy the show. The girls have almost started howlin'."

"Howlin'?! I came for the humpin', actually."

"No. Humpin' ended at 6pm. We've just started the all nite howlin'."

"But it's 5:50."

"Yeah, the girls need ten minutes to clean up from all the humpin' before they get started on the howlin'. So you're catching them pretty much between shows."

"So there's no more humpin'."

"That's what I said. No humpin' until 6am tomorrow, when the new shift begins. If you want humpin', I'm afraid you're going to have to come back tomorrow."

"Wouldn't it make more sense to do the howlin' during the day and the humpin' at night, when more men are likely to stop in?"

"I don't make the rules, chief."

"Is there a manager I can speak to?"

"Look, fella. The only manager here is working the kitchen right now, preparing the profiteroles and apple tarte tatin."

"Apple tarte tatin?! Jesus, what kind of hoedown is this supposed to be?"

"A fucking classy one, motherfucker. You have a problem with classy, then just go across the street to Headliners, where their skanks will hump you anytime but their beignets are pretty much made from frozen."

"Ew, gross."

"Be my guest, motherfucker. I warned you."

"Well, I guess I could go for 12 hours of straight up howlin'."

"That's the spirit!"

Goddammit

Let's suppose for a second that every time you said "Goddammit," that God would literally damn the thing to Hell that you just cursed. Here now is a short (and incomplete) list of things that He would now have damned for eternity:

• 4,893 bottles of Purell that didn't dispense properly
• 7,355,281,722 screen doors
• 89,477,162,976,933,800,323,713 barking dogs
• The Wall Street Journal
• the stop sign on the northeast corner of 510 N Oak Street, Searcy, Arkansas
• this blog
• Perry Ferrell
• 92 Dunkin Donuts stores
• 4,177 Dunkin Donuts employees
• taffeta fabric
• Phish
• 8,184,302,899 shelving units
• Ralph Nader
• the word "crevasse"
• 93,017,843,822,840,398,541,275,362,707,398,886,224 nails that didn't get hammered straight into a board
• Internet Explorer
• people who don't like the latest season of "The Simpsons"
• the shift button on 6,922,479 computer keyboards
• that Details photoshoot where Alex Rodriguez made like he was kissing himself
• The steps of the Statue of Liberty
• YOU

More Terrible Hip Hop Album Covers

And the following two submitted by Andrew Gall: