Breaking: Some New Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

Holy fuck, just when you thought being an AMC Stubs Rewards Member couldn't get any more tits, shit like this happens and your dick just gets even harder. Here are more perks to being a member, if you aren't already:

• Free escort to your car (bad neighborhoods only)

• Complimentary visor for when the screen is just too darn bright

• Samples at the concession stand of Kurt's latest edibles, dude

• Free swirly in the bathroom for nerds

• Free 8-piece sectional couch of your choosing (NO DELIVERIES)

• This here bottle of scotch/cough medicine

• Free handjob by either Tiffany (works Tuesdays) or Hank (works Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays)

• We'll let you make out with any of our cardboard standees for 5 minutes, no judgements

• Stubs members can kick anyone out of the handicapped seating area, including handicapped people

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

The class wasn't ready for it when these two got on the desk and started fucking.

"smh" not "mml"

The outtakes for this shoot weren't awkward or embarrassing enough.

Everything about this cover irks me: the type, the fact that the wheels are turned, the open door, the guy smoking but there's nothing in his fingers. Grrrr.

It's not a double bass, but at least it's not a ukulele.

I don't know if that's another dog's leg, but if it is, that's fucking horrific and depressing. F

I hate trap music, Wale.

Hey, look. It's that "cash me outside" girl. Hard pass!

Didn't you hear? Every mixtape and album from Lil Wayne from now on will use a childhood photograph of him.

Fun fact: Super Mario Land is located in Brazil.

Part history lesson, part reddit.com/r/fuckmyshitup

I think I know exactly what this album sounds like.

Introduction to Photoshop: Lesson 1: Building Head Stacks on Shitty Mixtapes

Smecial Dreams Mini-Entry

Some Ways That Aggressive Glass & Mirrors Drums Up Business

 

• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."

• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.

•  They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.

• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.

• Three words: MICHAEL BAY WINDOWS.

• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.

• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.

• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."

• Fuck you

• Their hold music is "Architecture of Aggression" by Megadeth.

• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.

That Jerky is NOT Jewish.

I opened some low-fat jerky yesterday and realized I was about to turn into Joel: