As tradition dictates, I've downed four gimlets and a Boddingtons to prepare for this latest entry of Lobsterfest:
It's time to break out your maracas and butter your bongos, because Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster is once again in full swing. We've literally cooked up these latest lobster meat offerings to satisfy your appetite, and fuck if we'll take no for an answer this time. Try these latest crustaceanal meal deals:
• We steal a bobsled from a nearby ski resort and load it up with cratefuls of lobster. We strap you down at the bottom of our special lobster run with a barrel of butter and release the bobsled at the top. You are then given the choice of either "accepting the meat" or answering some very difficult trivia questions about Downton Abbey. Your fate is your own! Nobody I've spoken to knows why that couldn't pass as a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.
• We hand some really massive jumbo shrimp to a very small midget dressed like a Red Lobster waiter. He carries the shrimp in his arms to your table and tells you it's a lobster. You start wondering if you haven't somehow grown to giant-size in the course of your meal and absentmindedly leave a $50 tip on a $23 bill. That there is one lucrative way for us Red Lobster servers to enjoy serving lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• NBC cancels the fuck-awful show "Whitney."
• We round up the surviving members of the Kennedy family and bring them (by force if necessary) to our restaurant. Common folk like you can now dine on scrumptious lobster patties and seafood Newberg with fancy Kennedy types like you always wanted to. We'll even change the sign out front to say "Camelot" for the duration of your meal and pretend the whole thing is one northeastern lobster boil in Martha's Vineyard. Then when it's over we'll drive the Kennedy family back to their respective homes where they can weep in peace. Damn, that's a great way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• You know about snuff? Well, we pulverize lobster into a fine powder so it's consumable in swift pinches up the nose. Then you and your friends can act like gentlemen with your topcoats and monocles and spats and shit, snorting fine lobster and having a jolly good time like a bunch of hoity toity patricians. What a delightfully cultured way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!
• Share a moment with us in our new "Lobster Lounge," a welcoming, inviting refuge from the hectic work-a-day pace of your typical Red Lobster restaurant. Relax to music by Yanni and Kitaro as we rub buttered lobster paste into the knotted problem areas of your back, thighs, and rectum. Find yourself a better way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, and you'll get $5 off your next visit to the Lobster Lounge!
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