A Trash Entry

Spotted in Union, NJ: A dumpster that I imagine is really fun to throw shit into, provided you yell "HUDACKO!" when doing so.

Dear Dunkin/Baskin Robbins

Stop. Just stop.

You're trying way too hard and just embarrassing yourself. For the sake of both your brands, just stick with what you do best and leave the weird shit to the food trucks.

UAG

The Very Best Heartfelt Christmas Wishes Greetings To You From The Interns, Staff Writers, Art Department, and Editorial Staff at Eat A Dick Joel

♫ ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫

Christmas is a time for joying
Christmas is a time for love
Holiday cheer and carol-ing
Sledding as it snows from above

Ray watching Star Trek in the break room
Instead of working like he should
Now a running gag on Eat a Dick Joel
Strange how I always look at his ass

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!

The Latest In Hip Hop Awfulness

Here now are the wackest or most confusing mixtape or album covers in hip hop. 

Is that a tractor beam? Or are they underwater? It looks like the Thunder From Down Under gained superpowers during one of their strip shows.

Let's reinforce the stereotype that a black President only would drink Cristal, smoke blunts, and stock up on white plastic assault weapons.

Jackie Chain presents Bruce Lean. Starring Jet Leek, Michelle Yo Yo Yo, Sammo Hungdown, and Jean Claude Van Dayyummm.

Hey Juicy J, if you have that much shiny exploding tits and ass on your album cover, are you really going to offend anybody by including the full word "bitch?"

Young Jeezy and his entourage are confused by the holographic airport map and are left wondering where the Cinnabon is.

Hi! Welcome to Compton! May I remind you to wear your seatbelt, as that is the local traffic law in this fine burg? Happy travels, fair tourist!

Terrible name for an album. But points for using the coloring section of a children's activity page for your artwork.

AGAIN WITH THAT BLUE SMOKY TRACTOR BEAM SHIT.

You can photoshop Nicki Minaj doing virtually anything and her reputation won't suffer a whit.

To be honest, "Panty Droppers Vol. 9" felt pretty incomplete, after Panty Droppers 1-8 fulfilled so many listeners' panty dropping needs. Here now Sam Hoody and DJ X Factor make it right by releasing addendum 9.5 so those panties can drop to their fullest.

 Gucci Mane and his friends devour the Times Square New Year's Ball and fart out an impressive array of pyrotechnics.

Wearing a t-shirt with melted nacho cheese is very, very, very gangsta. Because nothing that is seriously 'street' has ever been practical.

Two OBVIOUSLY RICH fellows forget who goes first in chess– the brown or the black? Meanwhile, one of the panty dropped women from 9.5 just tripped trying to find the chess rulebook.

Let Dr. Fish Ask YOU Something

Since previous segments with "Ask Dr. Fish" were so unsuccessful- mainly because Dr. Fish isn't really a doctor, and secondly, he is just a fish– we have turned the tables and let Dr. Fish ask other people any health-related questions.



Dear Hopeless in Havernathy,

You have cysts both behind your knee and within your thyroid gland. What sort of treatments are you undergoing to remedy those problems?

Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

I don't know who you are or how you know this information about me, but it is none of your goddamned business.

Hopeless in Havernathy

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Dear Evaline,

Please don't be discouraged about your dry cough and how it's interfering with your studies. Most illnesses related to coughs are self-limited and will cease in 7-10 days with increased humidification and fluid intake, rest, and symptomatic "home remedies." Antibiotics are usually not required. Have you taken the proper precautions to monitor your cough? Could it be the result of when you had viral laryngitis in 2008?

Sincerely,
Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET MY MEDICAL HISTORY?!!!!

Evaline

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Dear Thomas English Guffin,

I understand you're 68 and in good health. But for the past year or so, your fingertips have been wrinkling and splitting into small painful cuts--especially your thumb and forefinger. They heal slowly, then reappear. Could that be the result of capillaries collapsing?

Dr. Fish

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Dear Dr. Fish,

[RETURNED MAIL. THERE IS NO ONE AT ADDRESS 'thomasenglishguffin@speed.net' NO OTHER INFORMATION IS GIVEN]

Meanwhile, At Target, K-Mart, and Especially Pathmark...

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What's interesting about Pathmark- when I recently went to take a poop there (don't ask), I passed by their sorting system for lost items:


I was amazed and impressed that they actually do take the time to re-organize and reshelve the many, many lost items that end up in the store, although I imagine it's a losing battle.




But for all their efforts and organization, it makes me nauseous to think that some meat, produce, or freshly baked bread has been close to where people poop.

Blackberry Face

Blackberry Face affects 1 in 30 Blackberry users.


What is Blackberry Face?
Blackberry Face is an expression similar to Sturgeon Face, except it appears during moments of intense concentration, rather than when saying, "Not bad, but could be better." The mouth is turned down, the chin protrudes a little, and the user starts to resemble Jim Backus from "Gilligan's Island" or one of those statues on Easter Island. (They're both island-related; what could that mean?)


Should people stop using Blackberrys?
Absolutely. But not to avoid having Blackberry Face. People should stop using smartphones in general because it makes them look like total tools when they're friends are trying to have a serious conversation with them. Are you even listening to me, Gail?



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Labelmaker

Spotted on a trash heap in Brooklyn: