Here Are Your Job Numbers For The End of January

To: ALL

From: Trent Neuwerth

Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!

I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes: 

ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.

HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:

2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants

5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect

1184456: Lying to toddlers

9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff

4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs

555835: Blaming the media

011044: Masturbating under a chandelier

888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway

5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus

0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech

7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up

8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song

"Shark Exorcist" Gets More Alternate Taglines That It Never Needed

UAG

If You're Blue And You Don't Know Where To Go To, Why Don't You Go Where Fashion Sits, Puttin' On Racist Appliances

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

And 20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

This is part of an irregular but ongoing series.
The two previous entries are here and here.

International pop star Ariana Grande will have you believe- by batting her eyelashes, looking coyly over her shoulder, or biting her lip- that she is the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. We're here to suggest otherwise. And here are 20 more things that are easily cuter than Miss Grande could ever hope to be:

1. Manga bunnies in shorts
2. Ewoks falling over
3. A koala in a track suit
4. An infant hanging on the hood of a speeding car
5. The Pleiades star cluster on certain nights
6. The Airbnb logo
7. Barbie's tiny smartphone
8. An Eskimo child learning to ride a bike
9. A baby dressed like BB-8
10. Baby chicks standing around a miniature conference table as if they're having a meeting
11. Pizza bites packaging
12. A terrified gerbil stuck inside a violin that someone's playing
13. Any 3 year old trying to pronounce the word "swagadocious"
14. "Hamilton" Broadway cast bobbleheads
15. When the janitor brings her daughter into work to help empty the trash cans at 3am
16. Mermaids in diapers
17. Dorf in a kimono
18. Gleek
19. The molecular model for sugar
20. The kid version of MC Serch in 3rd Bass's video for "Pop Goes The Weasel:"

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-January Edition

A Satisfied Customer

Dad enjoys these little backyard gladiator fights.

"That's right, you little shits. Kill each other for Daddy."

KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

UAG

The Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

(Click to enlarge)

Scoring Guide

6 Correct: You know your clouds/toilets!

4 Correct: You probably need to stop studying with "MasterChef Junior" on

3 Correct: Your parents never loved you. They told us

2 Correct: Stop fingering your dog

1 Correct: Die.

Somehow It's Time Again To Play "Which Can, Erickson?"

(click to enlarge)

Match the toilets with their location. The icon of different type of cloud has been included as a hint for you meteorologically inclined:

• Rio Restaurant, Union NJ (Cumulus)

• SeaWorld, Orlando FL (Cumulonimbus)

• NJ Transit Train (Altocumulus)

• Red Lobster, Laurel MD (Stratus)

• Hamilton on Broadway, Richard Rodgers Theatre, NYC (Cirrus)

• Tijuana Picnic, NYC (Stratocumulus)

The answers will be posted tomorrow! Good luck!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 9

The Twitterverse uses a lot of hashtags. And here are some of them that even its dumbest denizens have refused to use. Help yourself, idiot:

#ponymeat

#buttholejarts

#ginghamcondoms

#ilikeAnnWilsonfat

#underarmbiscuits

#BetsyRossupskirtphotos

#DCcinematicuniverse4life

#Carebaresdemandhumansacrifice

#explainingSuckMyKisstoyourmom

#KoolAidtouchedmeinappropriately

#TheSusanBKomenRaceForOperationalCosts

Some Pot Flavor Names You Won't See At Medical Marijuana Dispensaries

"Death Star Kush." "Maui Wowie." "Purple Urkle."

Now that medical marijuana is more widespread in the country, more pot dispensaries are naming their pot flavors "outrageous," "cool," and "edgy" names to grab customers' attention. Here now is a list of names they probably won't use:

• William Rehnquist

• No Workie On Cataracky

• Child Support Up In Smoke

• Doobie Brothers Pubes

• Not Cocaine

• Literally Clumped Up Cilantro

• Lung Raper

• Gary Johnson 2020

• I Support Our New Police State By Smoking This

• Tommy Chong's Eye Boogers

• Killing Me Softly With His Bong    no actually, that one's pretty good

• Silent Flaccidity

6 Lies Told By The Diggerland Brochure

1) "Buckets of fun for everyone!" Not fun for people who already work 12 hour shifts in construction.

2) This is just a redneck Disneyland ride, isn't it? The kind you see on YouTube? Yeah.

3) "The Best Parties In The World." Apparently they neglected to count the Roman Emperor Caligula's pret-ty insane parties in 38 A.D.

4) "Family Outings." I don't know about you, but if I were homosexual and wanted to announce it to my family, I certainly wouldn't use a park full of steamrollers and backhoes as my venue.

5) Child labor laws in New Jersey do exist, despite what the signage at the front gate will tell you.

6) "DIG all year" and "Open March to December." Does that make any sense to you? These goddam architects with their imprecise language. How can we get anything done with those ivory tower assholes contradicting themselves?! STRIKE!!!

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Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week (DUE EOD TODAY!)

Hello

This security guard Yuri from downstairs

Sorry for not speak English as hot as rest of you workers, but managerment ask me to remind every one in office to fill out sheets of time before day end. Other wise department of accounting will be un-able to "cut" a pay-check for your particular employee number.

HE SAY THIS EMPORTANT

Please see list below for list of number to use for timessheets:

TIMESSHEETS BEGIN NOW:



83485 - Knocking the hustle

28555 - Choking on bubble tea yet AGAIN

42409 - Waking up at Medieval Times with no memory of how you got there

99244 - Saying you'll drain the swamp when in fact you're making it worse with even more corrupt appointees

11135 - Deciding between a hard taco and a soft taco

29492 - Pinpointing why "Suicide Squad" sucked so much dick

83347 - Calling your friend Margaret "Maggie" for the first time to make sure it's okay

421193 - Strumming my pain with his fingers

399304 - Sharing my life with his words

441486 - Eating corn on the cob the wrong way, making you look like a goddamned slut

252009 - Checking grandma for a pulse and being disappointed

731424 - Smuggling barbiturates in your Hatchimal

UAG

Yet Still More Puddles of New York City, Identified By Pantone Number

NYC's rich cultural spectrum is matched only by its boundless array of nasty-ass mystery puddles. Here are the trending color palettes in the five boroughs this season:

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 2017

I know, I know. A certain shitty-President-to-be has cornered the market on awful tweets, so it pretty much renders this segment null as of January 20. But until then, here are the worst hashtags you can utilize in your little Twitter rant:

#koalatits

#dasvidaniyaPutin

#eroticnightterrors

#skeksisinathong

#smashmouthonvinyl

#dollarstoreheistmontage

#killingmesoftlywithhisknife

#theEverlyBrothersdickstouching

#standinginlinealreadyforthat50ShadesofGreysequel

#playingCardsAgainstHumanitywithanactualwarcriminal