Updated Schedule For VidCon 2023

Social media's biggest "stars" are coming together later this month to VidCon, and tickets are selling like hotcakes! But last minute line-up changes have shifted the featured guest schedule. Here are the newest additions:

• Reaction video star Gakey Wong will be mugging and gawking from the side of the stage without giving credit to whoever is onstage

• As per usual, Yammo and Queediddly will be assaulting and harassing random people, claiming that they're "pranks"

• Anime superstar Hokusansa will be possessing a lucky fan's body to enter the real world

• Justin Bieber will return to his early YouTube roots and will perform a song that nobody watches

• A bunch of manosphere podcasters will appear onstage and start arguing and making out with each other

At Long Last — The Answer To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How did you do?

0 correct: Understandable. It's a hard puzzle.

1-2 correct: Neat! You can hold your head up high!

3-4 correct: Lucky, I guess? 

5-6 correct: STOP STALKING ME

Today We Asked The Riders of the NJ Transit Customer Satisfaction Survey Where YOUR Lost Chapstick is

You lost your Chapstick. We asked them where they think it is.

Jesse: "Maybe in your car's cup holder? No wait, you take the train. Duh!

Jess: Have you checked your purse? Like all the side pockets, too?

Angie: I bet it's washing in the laundry as we speak.

Trina: You and I hooked up last night. I think it's inside me.

Don With The Thumbs: Oh, that was YOUR Chapstick, dude? Gross!

Simon Peter: Never mind that. Have you heard about NFTs and how its investment potential is blowing up? 

A Disturbing Future Without Humanity

If you're a longtime reader of this blog– and why wouldn't you be?– you are familiar with the past posts, musings, and bullshittery on the NJ Transit Commuter Survey. Spotted this morning on the train, the 2019 survey flyer is adorned yet again another generic still life instead a vibrant stock shot of fake commuters pretending to talk to each other.

Since 2013, NJ Transit Authority has seen fit to do away with the cheesy photo, perhaps thinking it put off commuters from filling out the advertised survey. I for one think this does nothing of the sort, that the stilted engagement of these actors amused me enough to engage in NJ Transit's boring paperwork. What, is a pie chart or a lousy shot of a pine cone going to get me all fired up to respond?

The truth is, anger towards service interruptions, canceled trains and poor infrastructure management would be what drives most people to fill out the survey. But rather than insult us with a half-assed stock photo of autumnal leaves, why not insult us with a poorly-staged stock shot of models whose conversation will always be just out of our comprehension? Think about it, NJ Transit.

Some X-Men Ideas Based On A Building Safety Notice

Overlong setup:

20th Century Fox has the rights to all X-Men films. The problem is, the immensely successful "Logan" killed off all the X-Men, along with Logan himself and Professor X. And although the Deadpool franchise is going to continue being a box office smash, 20th Century Fox desperately needs ideas for new X-Men. Desperate for some new superheroes, their writers turned to a building safety notice on the corner of 16th and Park in New York City. Here now are six upcoming X-Men movie ideas:

"The Derby" starring Ansel Elgort. Elgort is an assistant at a high end haberdashery who witnesses a robbery and puts on a prototype derby hat that can FIGHT CRIME! Directed by Corey Yuen, The evil Men's Wearhouse owner is played by Peter Stormare in a fake beard.

"G@@gles" starring Chris O' Neal and Derek Luke. A rising ophthalmologist in Chicago gets bitten by a contaminated fly and gains super vision, enhanced even more by his new powerful goggles invention. He FIGHTS CRIME with his newfound talents. Derek Luke plays the turned-evil optometrist with a laser pointer.

"X-Vest" starring Johnny Galecki, Mark Jackson, and Lily Collins. Johnny Galecki plays a pickpocket who accidentally steals an experimental vest from a NASA base. The vest triggers his mutant power of super strength and effortless directing of traffic. Voila: X-Vest!

"White Boot, Invisible Boot" starring Rosa Salazar, Hope Davis and Richard Gere. A young employee at a shoe store discovers two mismatched alien boots. The boots are radioactive and enhance her mutant abilities for super speed, super leg strength and the ability to WORK IT.

"White Glove, Invisible Glove" starring Dane DeHaan. Same shit as above but with gloves.

"I Don' Wanna Hear It" starring Daniel Dae Kim, Ana de Armas and Chris Pine. Daniel Dae Kim plays a cosmic being from another universe whose extraordinary hearing is aided by a pair of magical headphones to hear crime being committed. Chris Pine plays the villainous manager of HEAR Music.

The 2017 NJ Transit Survey Flyer and The Current Administration: A Correlation

So it's no secret that the country sucks now that whatshisname is in office. I guess it's only par for the course now that the survey flyer for the NJ Transit this year sucks just as badly. Check out this turd:

Yes, long gone are our 6 stiffly posed friends from years ago, only to be replaced by a new set of 5 stiffly posed strangers from what looks like a royalty free stock company. Strangely, the only surviving element has always been the "Customer Satisfaction Survey" sunburst.

I'm guessing the orange isn't an accident. The diversity is surprising, though. I'm not even going to dignify this year's entry with a thorough review or pretend backstories for the people in the picture. Because THIS IS ALL STEVE BANNON'S FAULT.

"Shark Exorcist" Gets More Alternate Taglines That It Never Needed