Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 9

The Twitterverse uses a lot of hashtags. And here are some of them that even its dumbest denizens have refused to use. Help yourself, idiot:

#ponymeat

#buttholejarts

#ginghamcondoms

#ilikeAnnWilsonfat

#underarmbiscuits

#BetsyRossupskirtphotos

#DCcinematicuniverse4life

#Carebaresdemandhumansacrifice

#explainingSuckMyKisstoyourmom

#KoolAidtouchedmeinappropriately

#TheSusanBKomenRaceForOperationalCosts

The EADJ Crappinema Presents: All The Kind Strangers

15 minutes into this one, I actually thought, "Man, this might be the best EADJ Crappinema movie yet!" But seeing how the others were so bad, that might not be saying a lot. Still, the story of a man held prisoner by a bunch of psycho hillbilly children is a fantastic premise. Fantastic. In fact, I think they're working on a Broadway musical based on that now.































Then in an attempt to show Peter pondering the fate of Stacy Keach and the woman, the filmmakers saw fit to follow him wandering through the woods with some terrible song playing like a bad 70's video. I took it upon myself to spice it up with a few lyrics of my own:



The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Woman: Jimmy, Jimmy are you awake?

Stacy Keach: My car, my car is at the bottom of the creek! What happened?

Woman: John upset the boat. He did it as a prank. The other children pulled you out. They were swimming like fish.

Stacy Keach: I know what they swim like...(winces) my head.

Woman: Stay down.

Stacy Keach: They ran my new car right down to the bottom of the creek. And there was a red one there, and a blue one. And a green one.

Woman: Jim, they're gonna vote.

Stacy Keach: Vote?

Woman: On us. Whether to keep us as parents or not.

Stacy Keach: They're gonna vote on us? This is like a bad dream. This is like a joke!

Woman: If they vote no...

Stacy Keach: Look. You said there were others. They must have voted on them. That explains those cars at the bottom of the creek.

Woman: They like us. I know they do, and they'll vote yes. If they do, that'll give us the time to think of a way to get out of here!

Stacy Keach: Caroline, I'm not going to wait around to go on trial by a bunch of crazy kids! Would you mind getting me a pair of pants? I'm sure my size is in that closet.

EXEUNT










So what started out as a promising movie about redneck kids forcibly adopting two adults turns into some life lesson about personal responsibility or whatever. A fairly terribly movie overall. Stacy Keach's finest.