Some More Available Terrible Porn Names

Congrats on joining the porn industry. We can tell you are a real go-getter and are ready to jump in with gusto (and cum). But first, you'll need a porn name for us to refer to you by. Here's a handy list of available porn names that were never claimed because they're so stupid. Have at it, sport. Pick one:

Him

Obama Kerr

Teddy Fuxpin

Hu Justjoined

Tom Agotchi

Yuri N. Alasys

Higgs Boson

Her

Summa Enchanted-Evening

Roe V. Wade

Priscillascope

Sissy Fuss

Olivia Garden Bottomless Salad

Hey! Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Congratulations for joining the pornographic movie industry. Your references are impeccable!

Now that you're ready to film your first scene, you're going to need a porn nickname for the call sheet. May we suggest these available (but terrible) porn names? Good luck on set!

HER:

Aida Urassa

Jess Doit

Beluga Orca

Ladesh (so you can bang ladesh)

Bridget Spinner

HIM:

Hans Onna Hardbody

Timjob

Gibbous Moon

Hairy Ass Truman

E. Rectile Dysfunction

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fashion A Makeshift Saddle

So you're stranded with your horse and plan to ride a distance but you don't have a saddle handy. What to do? Follow these quick steps to save yourself a lot of riding pain!

1) Take three or four thick blankets and arrange them so that they cover 4 ft x 5 ft.

2) Without bunching them up, carefully tie the four corners of the blankets so that they don't unfold.

3) With two longer lengths of rope, tie the bundle to your horse. Make sure they're tight but not constraining the horse's movements or hurting her.

4) Try riding on it a few times to make sure it's comfortable enough for the long ride.

And speaking of long rides, if you've hired my limo to take you to the airport, please don't tip less if there's traffic. I have no control over it and maybe you should've planned ahead a little to make your flight. Stay safe, kids!

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract changes, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Container Store Wars

• Garrison Keillor's Mexican Variety Show

• Two Broke Girls With Their Daddy's Credit Card

• Mike Pence's Prayer Bibletime and Shower Show

• TENDONS

• Junior Health Inspectors

• Last Heckler Standing

• Stuff That Fits Inside Your Mom

• So You Think You Can Spell

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Old People Talking About Their Arthritis

• Gay Guys RomCom Viewing Party

• Visigoths! Visigoths! Visigoths!

• Another Crappy 70s Show Reboot

• Even Younger Sheldon

• Opioid! The Musical

• Moose Knuckle & Camel Toe

• Vince Offer, the Slap Chop Ninja

KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Okay, so you've run away from home, quit your job at Qdoba, packed two tank tops and a tube of toothpaste in a gym bag and jumped on a Greyhound to the Valley to make it big as an adult film star. But you forgot two important things: your dental dam and a marketable PORNSTAR NAME!

Well, we at EADJ are here to provide you with a name you can be proud of as you either ejaculate on a stranger or have a stranger ejaculate on you. Here are two helpful lists (hers and his) that you can consider for your next big break in the biz:

HER:

Urethra Franklin (courtesy of Emily Kane)

Ureter Moreno

Sarah Draftinhere

Tits Romney

Pisstina Applegape

Humpkin Spice Twattay

Anna Tomicallycorrect

Phyllis Holerighthere

Alluva Cox

Lilly Hammered

Betty Cumsfirst

HIM:

Junk Dilla

Tucker Boner

Jack Kinghoff Yurdad

Takina Dumpf

Insurance Claude

Jean-Michele Scrota

Pvt. Partz

Phil Anderer

Otto Correct

Bruce D. Ego

Reck Tal

Darius Fucker

The Birth Of Jesus Is Indirectly Responsible For All Of This.

Take it up with Him.

Actually, I think I'll watch "A Very Merry Mix-Up," because I sort of hate myself today. Although not so much that I deserve a Mike "The Miz" Mizanin movie.

TUUUUUU! in Chile!

Vince represents in Chile, where him being brown isn't considered as special.