Thursday, January 19, 2017

KellyAnne Conway: Spin Doctor Extraordinaire

By now, I think we have all seen the new President's Counselor and spin doctor extraordinaire KellyAnne Conway at work. From her coining the phrase "alternative facts" to the way she deflects questions from "fake news" hosts like Peabody recipient Anderson Cooper, K.A.C. has the ability to dead-eyedly bullshit her way through any horrific lie for any occasion. And this uncanny ability to speak from the heart is all the more impressive when you realize she's actually an empty soulless husk of a person.

And just for fun KellyAnne has recently started representing certain creatures in the animal kingdom to give a voice to those whose side is rarely told in mainstream nature documentaries: 

Snake devouring a mouse

"I think I need to point out here that the mouse is participating, too. The snake is not working in a vacuum, here, Anderson. So don't put 100% of the blame on the snake."

Hyena decapitating a lion

"This is a wonderful example of the underdog taking on the establishment and taking a stand for what they believe in, Anderson! Don't try to twist this any other way."

Lion flaying a buffalo alive

"We've gone over this before, Anderson, and I don't see why you think the lion isn't doing this pathetic buffalo a favor. Why can't you acknowledge the lion's generosity for once on this biased channel?"

Tarantula eating a fish

"I like fish myself, Anderson. I'm not making this as big a deal as you are. You need to get over it."

Caterpillar being eaten by a venus flytrap

"Uh.. pass. Pass."

Shark eating a seal

"Sharks are beautiful, gentle creatures, Anderson. I don't see a shark doing something like this to any seal, quite frankly. I think some liberal blogger (probably a lesbian) doctored this picture on the computer."

Komodo dragon eating a warthog

"Back in Georgia, we have a saying: 'if a komodo dragon is eating your warthog, you let him finish his meal or else he's going to turn on you, and who could blame him since his meal was interrupted by some liberal do-gooder who has nothing better to do than harass hardworking American komodo dragons, Anderson?'"

Octopus eating a crab

"Crabs deserve everything they get, Anderson. They're inferior creatures that just take, take, take. Personally, I want to shake that octopus' tentacles for ridding the earth of one more selfish crab."

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