Here Are Your Timesheets For This Week (DUE EOD TODAY!)

Hello

This security guard Yuri from downstairs

Sorry for not speak English as hot as rest of you workers, but managerment ask me to remind every one in office to fill out sheets of time before day end. Other wise department of accounting will be un-able to "cut" a pay-check for your particular employee number.

HE SAY THIS EMPORTANT

Please see list below for list of number to use for timessheets:

TIMESSHEETS BEGIN NOW:



83485 - Knocking the hustle

28555 - Choking on bubble tea yet AGAIN

42409 - Waking up at Medieval Times with no memory of how you got there

99244 - Saying you'll drain the swamp when in fact you're making it worse with even more corrupt appointees

11135 - Deciding between a hard taco and a soft taco

29492 - Pinpointing why "Suicide Squad" sucked so much dick

83347 - Calling your friend Margaret "Maggie" for the first time to make sure it's okay

421193 - Strumming my pain with his fingers

399304 - Sharing my life with his words

441486 - Eating corn on the cob the wrong way, making you look like a goddamned slut

252009 - Checking grandma for a pulse and being disappointed

731424 - Smuggling barbiturates in your Hatchimal

The Owner of The Bar Called O' Malley's Speaks Out On His Role In the Lyrics Of The Song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"

Let me start off by saying I am grateful for all the attention my bar has gotten from the Rupert Holmes 1979 hit "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)." For years before that song was released, my location on Main Street was good, but the flow of traffic was somehow all going to Donovan's down the street closer to the beach. But since that song hit the charts (and eventually became the 11th best selling single of 1980 on the Billboard Hot 100, I hear), business couldn't be better.

But for all of that, I'm afraid I do have to take issue with the role my bar has played in that travesty of a yacht-rock song. First of all, I'm a devout Catholic (surprise, being an O'Malley, eh?), and any depiction of infidelity– even if it's just lyrical– just rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I know that the singer and his "lady" were never depicted as married per se, but still.

I guess the second issue I have with it is more personal. See, I'm had a rock 'n roll childhood. Grew up on Black Sabbath and Zeppelin. Still listen to them. And I try to run a nice, down to earth pub with decent fixtures and a jukebox with some decent rock on it. So this association my bar has with this admittedly catchy but seriously LIMP-DICKED MUZAK SONG doesn't sit well with me at all. Gave me ulcers in the 80s, in fact.

Look man, I'm just (literally) minding my business, tending bar and cleaning up, and this long haired guy with white slacks, Hawaiian shirt opened down to his belly, and mirror shades sits down and orders a pina colada. Yeah, at an Irish bar.

So while I'm standing there figuring how to either concoct one of those blender drinks or punch the guy in the throat, this woman with feathered hair, flared polyester pants and the biggest sun hat I've ever seen sits down next to the bloke.

They instantly recognize each other and start laughing about something or other. Then the guy hails me and orders TWO piña coladas now. I'm about to throw the two of those hippies out, but it suddenly starts raining outside. Customers at the outside tables come rushing in, but those two forget about the drinks they ordered and run out into the rain towards the beach. Morons.

Why Barbie Would Make A Terrible Spy

"Barbie Spy Squad' just came out on DVD, and apparently Barbie plays some sort of secret agent, which sounds like a pretty fucking awful idea when you think about it. Here are just a few reasons why:

• A pink trench coat with sequins will get you shot.
• There are very few countries where a 6'4" blonde will blend in.
• Tailing someone is almost impossible when driving a pink Corvette.
• Nobody trusts their secrets to what they think is a high-priced prostitute.
• Barbie would be too busy being an airline pilot, a forest ranger, and a fashion model to spend enough time gathering significant intel.
• If placed under 'enhanced interrogation' by the enemy, Barbie would siiiiiiiiing.
• She has no inside voice.
• Barbie hasn't had the stomach for murder ever since she strangled Skipper in a bar fight.
• Barbie is MADE IN CHINA, so you'd know where her loyalties would lie.
• It would take her 4 hours just to get dressed before doing anything.

UAG

Pathmark: You've Got To Respect Yourshelf