"A Blessing of Luck Is Life's Sweetest Pathmark."

UAG

Some Thoughts On Seeing The Ad for 10,000 Maniacs Playing at the SOPAC

• That's not Natalie Merchant

• Yeah,  I'm pretty sure that's not Natalie Merchant

• Not that I care that much, but where is Natalie Merchant?

• Maybe her bandmates found her just as boring and bland as I do?

• Who is this new woman? And why did it have to be a woman?

• Why didn't they just hire a Filipino dude like Journey did?

• That's not Edie Brickell, is it?

• I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure they didn't create the Alternative Rock format. Pixies did.

• Does this new vocalist sound like Natalie Merchant, pronouncing all her vowels as As?

• If Natalie Merchant put on glasses, would she resemble Janeane Garofalo?

• What's on TV on Sunday, March 26 at 7:30pm?

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

"Shark Exorcist" Gets More Alternate Taglines That It Never Needed

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

This Week's Least Used Twitter Hashtags

People tweet about a lot of different shit, but for some reason they failed to mention the following subjects. Feel free to use these unused hashtags. They were just laying around, anyway.

#vapidinsight

#doghaterforever

#myproblemsarentproblems

#weddinggyroburp

#1920sactressClaraBow

#bitchbetterhavemyinsulin

#interestingfanfictionthatisntsexual

#dontlistentomeIamnotarolemodelforwomen

#ikeepthinkingaboutnicknolte'sballsforsomereason

A Short List of Things I Would Rather Hear Than Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood"

If you've been to a strip mall, Jamba Juice, or any other retail store, supermarket, or public space, it's safe to assume you've heard Taylor Swift's song "Bad Blood (ft. Kendrick Lamar)."

Now, Taylor Swift has had a remarkable batting average of below-average chart-topping hits, but this recent entry into her catalog happens to be the most irritating, nasal, repetitive piece of tautology this side of a Tourette's convention.

Click here if you hate yourself.

Having been in public places this summer, I've heard this song far too many times for my tastes. Here is a short (but not complete) list of things I would RATHER listen to than that song ever again:

• orphans weeping at a funeral
• squirrel rape
• Axl Rose doing squat thrusts
• Wolverine scratching a mile-long chalkboard
• the Budweiser Clydesdales all evacuating their bowels simultaneously
• Arnold Schwarzenegger doing a dramatic reading of "The Notebook"
• an airhorn blowing directly in my ear for an hour
• A 4-season marathon of every episode of "The View"
• the bloodcurdling screams from botched pig slaughters
• Donald Trump's Presidential acceptance speech
• anything by Y&T
• that audible "snap" heard when Joe Theismann got injured
• Lloyd's "the most annoying sound in the world" from "Dumb and Dumber," in a 24 hour loop
• donkeys braying in a round (like in Row Row Row Your Boat)
• Japanese people trying to pronounce "Lalaloopsy" or "Lululemon"
• someone farting into an empty nuclear reactor to create giant echoes
• "Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift

Dis Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Remember wealthy freegans: remove your fine mink coat before dumpster diving for cantaloupe rinds and celery stalks.

After making it big, Joe Ryan forgot that the check cashing place in his home town didn't offer valet parking.

Do not attempt to shoot at the giant ghostly,blue-lightning-spouting heads floating above Brooklyn. They are apparently protected by invisible bulletproof glass.

Speaking of floating heads...

Not all men wearing sunglasses are stroking their chins.

And not all men with backwards hats are stroking their chins.

But only ONE MAN stroking his chin doesn't have sunglasses and is wearing a backwards hat!

Perfect. No change necessary.

"Okay, this loft space has potential but is simply lacks light and practial flow. So what we're going to do here is knock out that east wall. This will open up this entire space and still leave the north wall with plenty of storage and shelving. Don't worry- that wasn't a load-bearing wall. Remember, this was converted warehouse space! See, now isn't this much better? This has been Shell's Creative Spaces, brought to you by HGTV and Alberta Television!"

Probably one thing you don't want to affiliate yourself with is Mel Gibson.

That means you too, Prodigy.

Throw up all the catchers signals you want, but when you're stuck in a hot tub with the moon, hardly anyone will want to help you out.