To: ALL
From: Trent Neuwerth
Hello there, everyone. This is Trent. I'm the new assistant account manager here! Hi!
I'm not exactly sure why I was asked to send this email as the first task on my first day at work, but here goes:
ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO SUBMIT YOUR GODDAMNED TIMESHEETS BY END OF DAY ***TODAY*** OR THERE WILL BE A HOLY FUCKSTORM OF SHIT COMING YOUR WAY, YOU COCKSUCKERS. YOU BEST FUCKING BELIEVE THAT.
HERE ARE THE TIMECODES FOR YOUR TIMESHEETS:
2528358: Hurrying up with the damn croissants
5259999: Squeezing your tits together for maximum effect
1184456: Lying to toddlers
9002456: Praying to God the other player doesn't call your SCRABBLE bluff
4004621: Installing a stripper pole in the basement while your wife sleeps upstairs
555835: Blaming the media
011044: Masturbating under a chandelier
888366: Standing awkwardly next to your Jehovah's Witness brochures in the subway
5252774: Trying to get that "Don Henley" smell out of your tour bus
0255393: Writing your Razzie Award acceptance speech
7113648: Exercising your free speech to tell someone else to shut the fuck up
8275550: Wondering if this bad date with Taylor Swift is going to turn into a hit song
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