"Uh, Janet and Craig? Ha ha. Hey listen, uh, congratulations first of all, and secondly, uh, I hate to be the bringer of bad news at this time, but I seem to have forgotten to load up any music onto my laptop or in my crates in my rush to get here on time. And I realize the reception will be starting in ten minutes.
"Yeah, I don't have
any music. None. Just this one CD that my nephew Josh left in the van two days ago–
'Rotten Sacrifice Ceremony' by this band called Cannibal Corpse. Josh really likes that band. You could say he's going through 'a phase,' ha ha ha.
"But listen... this is not a bad thing. All that planning of tracks and intros that we made over the last four months? I think I can pull it off with this one CD. Believe me, folks. I'm pretty good in a pinch. I really believe I can make this work. They don't call me 'The Jazzy Jeff of Poughkeepsie' for nothing! Ha ha ha.
"No, look. It will be okay, really, Janet. For example, during the cocktail hour, instead of playing old standards by Sinatra and Duke Ellington, I've been playing the track 'Vomit The Soul (Live)' on a loop for the past hour. The live track's crowd noise seems to have kept a certain energy going, as you can see- almost everyone has scrambled to the bar on the far end of the banquet hall. So it's working, see?
"Okay, so for when your bridal party comes out, instead of playing 'That's What Friends Are For,' we're going with 'Unleashing The Bloodthirsty.' Then when the parents come out, I'm going to play Cannibal Corpse's cover of the Metallica song 'No Remorse.' To show they don't regret you two marrying, see? Ha ha ha.
"Okay, Janet, I see you're getting really upset, but I assure you both, I've thought this all through for the last 20 minutes, and I've figured it all out. Relax.
"For the Father-daughter dance, I thought the track 'A Skull Full Of Maggots' could work. No, Janet? You're right- the melody is probably too uptempo for a waltz... Tell you what- we'll go with 'Hammer Smashed Face' instead.
"Of corpse...Whoops! Freudian slip there, ha ha!" Of
course I've also thought of the Groom-and-Mother dance. Craig, you and your mother will dance to 'Stripped Raped And Strangled.'
"Now for the smaller details: the bouquet tossing event, which was going to use that Beyonce track 'Single Ladies,' will instead be accompanied with 'I Will Kill You.' And for the racy removing-the-bride's-garter portion, we'll be going with 'Meathook Sodomy.' I was thinking, the cake cutting ceremony would be great with Cannibal Corpse's 'Fucked With A Knife.'
"And since I have you both here, I was wondering if you could pay me the balance of $200 for my services? I know now's not the perfect time, but I know how busy you're going to be tonight, right? Ha ha."
