Should All Acquaintance Be Pathmark...

Aerobed. A Family Company.

Aerobed is sending a clear message to its customers: their line of air mattresses– whether it's the 17" One-Touch Comfort or the Elevated Queen 18"Airbed– are NOT to be used for premarital sex. PERIOD.

Aerobed, whose parent company is the Wichita, Kansas based Coleman Company, Inc., is making it abundantly clear that they will not tolerate unmarried intercourse on their inflatable vinyl beds. Their patented stability base provides extra support for married house guests who are staying over, not for two lust-addled young people to hungrily fuck without committing to the eternal vows of matrimony.

Even their box graphics clearly show a young couple not just betrothed but 100% married, as indicated by the happy groom's prominent band. So if they do agree to engage in sexual congress on this airbed, whereby he takes his erect penis and thrusts it into her moistened, lubricated vagina, it's allowed under the eyes of God and not some tawdry, illicit affair that would damn their souls to hell.

Here Are Your Job Numbers For This Week

Hi all-

Karlsen from IT here. Those of you who do not subscribe to my monthly Snorks fan fiction podcast may not be familiar with my sense of humor, so please bear with my wacky sensibilities as I make the following company-wide announcement:

ATTENTION ALL EARTHLINGS: YOUR TIMESHEETS ARE DUE BY END OF DAY TODAY. THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY. FAILURE TO DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER WILL RESULT IN DISINTEGRATION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HUMAN WEAKLINGS!!!!

j/k, guys. Here are the job numbers:

582597: Translating the lyrics for Starship's "Sara" into Spanish

732201: Hiding your ATM PIN number from the prostitute that's with you

124187: Hiding your raging hard-on during an audit

663215: Ordering from QVC just to talk to another human being

922593: Whipping out your Qdoba loyalty card at a Chipotle

222750: Hoping your friends don't notice you stole a bunch of Opie and Anthony jokes

524597: Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name without having to Google it

820005: Bullying Best Buy's Geek Squad

886363: Communicating with your better self in a parallel universe

392581: Successfully resuscitating Resusci-Anne doll

272203: Stopping your cable news interview to vomit into a bucket

634524: Using chip clips to clamp your belly fat for laffs

711129: Swatting at imaginary bees that are actually not imaginary at all