UAG

A Nicolas Cage Theory I Have

I have a theory that former box office king Nicolas Cage hasn't made a movie in years, and any recent release is simply a photoshopped poster of a movie that doesn't exist.

Argument 1: Nobody has seen these recent movies. Nobody. Have you? Do you know anyone who saw "Dying of the Light"? If they said yes, they're lying. Where do you even go see this?

Argument 2: These movies are never promoted. No movie posters, no website banners, no sign outside of Nicolas Cage's neighborhood. Nothing.

Argument 3: Lousy photoshop. Look at this one from "Left Behind". That looks like Nicolas Cage's face on another head! In fact, the face looks almost identical to the poster above it, like they just cut and pasted the face and pose and generated a fake movie for tax purposes.

I dunno. Maybe if you're reading this, Nicolas Cage, you could explain it to me and reassure me you're still gainfully employed. Or alive.

UAG

*** INTERPOL EMERGENCY ***

*** BEGIN TRANSMISSION***

***MON JAN 9 2012•17:05:02 GLOBAL TIME***

ATTENTION ALL AGENTS

THE FOLLOWING WOMAN HAS MISPLACED HER PASSPORT PHOTO IN MANHATTAN
THIS PHOTO IS CRUCIAL TO HER GOING BACK TO INDIA
THE PHOTO WAS LOCATED IN THE KIPS BAY MOVIE THEATRE ON JAN 2 2012:09:17:46 GLOBAL TIME
AS THE PHOTO WAS FOUND IN THE LOBBY, WE HAVE NO IDEA WHICH MOVIE SHE HAD COME TO SEE
WE HAVE NARROWED THE POSSIBLE MOVIES THAT SHE ATTENDED TO THE FOLLOWING:

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL
MISSION IMPOSSIBLE- GHOST PROTOCOL (3D)
THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN
THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN (3D)
WE BOUGHT A ZOO
WAR HORSE
ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED
SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS
NEW YEAR'S EVE
TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY
YOUNG ADULT
HUGO (3D)
THE DESCENDANTS

ACTUALLY, IN RETROSPECT, THE WOMAN PROBABLY DID NOT GO TO SEE NEW YEAR'S EVE. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT STEAMING TURD

WE MUST LOCATE THIS WOMAN AND RETURN THE PHOTO TO HER SO THAT SHE CAN VISIT HER HOMELAND OF INDIA

WE ARE NOT BEING RACIST IN ASSUMING THAT SHE IS INDIAN, AS SHE CLEARLY IS WEARING THE TRADITIONAL SARI AND VERMILION BINDI ON HER FOREHEAD

SURE, THAT COULD BE ANOTHER COUNTRY OTHER THAN INDIA BUT WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT, REALLY

AND JUDGING FROM THE EXPRESSION ON HER PHOTO, THIS WOMAN IS NOT HAPPY ABOUT GOING BACK TO HER HOMELAND OF INDIA BUT MUST DO SO OUT OF A SENSE OF DUTY TO HER SISTER KADHAPRIYA

BUT SERIOUSLY, NEW YEAR'S EVE.
WHO WOULD GO SEE THAT

Wedding Tip 6: Freeballin' It

A belated, after-the-fact Wedding Tip from Jessica to J'Net.