Breaking: Some New Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

Holy fuck, just when you thought being an AMC Stubs Rewards Member couldn't get any more tits, shit like this happens and your dick just gets even harder. Here are more perks to being a member, if you aren't already:

• Free escort to your car (bad neighborhoods only)

• Complimentary visor for when the screen is just too darn bright

• Samples at the concession stand of Kurt's latest edibles, dude

• Free swirly in the bathroom for nerds

• Free 8-piece sectional couch of your choosing (NO DELIVERIES)

• This here bottle of scotch/cough medicine

• Free handjob by either Tiffany (works Tuesdays) or Hank (works Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays)

• We'll let you make out with any of our cardboard standees for 5 minutes, no judgements

• Stubs members can kick anyone out of the handicapped seating area, including handicapped people

6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.

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Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.