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From the mind of an uneducated president:

Lobsterfest This Year's Lobsterfest At Red Lobster This 2019!

 

(This entry was written after consuming 5 biers from the Bierhaus NYC, pictured below)

Your local Red Lobster is firing up the pot and getting ready for this year's slew of lobster-tainted goodness! Here are just some of the many new ways that you can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• We invite all the girls (except Monica) over for a slumber party, where we all wear fun lobster-themed pajamas with feet and watch that romantic comedy where Gerard Butler is an assassin or whatever. That is technically one of the ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• You piss in a Ziploc bag, seal it up, and then keep it in your glove compartment until one of the members from the Homeowner's Association tells you not to park your car on the street after 8pm. Whatever happens next sounds like a pretty terrific way you could enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We take succulent roasted rock lobster tail and butter-poached Maine lobster tail, serve it with a creamy lobster-and-shrimp linguini Alfredo, plus your choice of side. Then once you try to dig in, we slap the whole plate off your table and scream, "What have YOU done to deserve any of this?" Then we storm out, crying. Yet one more delicious way one can enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We force you to do 200 sit-ups. Then we brush butter on your abs and see if any of that looks like lobster morsels. If YES, then you are free to dig in and eat whatever you see. If NO, death. Now, you can't tell me that's not a way you could enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In an earlier segment back in 2014, we told you how Ariana Grande presents herself as the most adorable doe-eyed singing, blushing baby cat on the planet, but over a year has passed, and it's time to add to the list. (Do keep in mind that as Ariana gets older, this list will grow really fast.)

Here's the latest list of stuff cuter than Ariana Grande, much to her adorable dismay:

1. lobsters with booties on their feet

2. midgets dressed like Frankenstein

3. happy ducklings with little top hats on

4. Bing trying to convince you that it's a successful search engine

5. the way Anthony Hopkins says "cunt"

6. a cartoon whistle

7. a cat trying to eat a taco

8. those little chimneys that stick out of port-a-johns

9. twins sneezing

10. that old flying toaster screensaver

11. blooper reels

12. old men wearing rugby shirts

13. mice getting married

14. Godzooky

15. cake toppers

16. Taylor Swift (oooh burn!)

17. yogurt bites

18. college-age testicles

19. Welsh corgis

20. Manowar's second album Into Glory Ride (1983)