UAG

New Segment: Todd Crisman Wants You To KNOW

Hey! Todd Crisman wants you to KNOW that EADJ has a new segment called Todd Crisman Wants You To KNOW!


Also, not ALL PLASTIC IS RECYCLABLE! Get it through your head, Pinbot!

A Once-In-A-Lifetime, Three Second Video

Below, from the Celebrate Brooklyn show in August, possibly one of the very few videos that feature Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings and my mother-in-law in the same shot.

"Stop Me If I'm Going Too Fast For You..."

Pictured above, Barry creates an easy-to-understand chart on the latest workings of college athletic conferences.

Soft Cone is Ambivalent.

iPhone + Binoculars = New York Horribleness

My Baby Float

"My Baby Float?!"

Baby don't belong to no one. Just because some woman pushed baby out of vagina doesn't mean baby is woman's property. Baby is own man. Baby is grateful to woman for not drinking hard liquor or smoking cigarettes for nine months, but that doesn't mean baby belongs to woman. That's indentured servitude bullshit.

Baby float on baby's own terms. Baby float because baby...

WHAT THE FUCK?! $4.99 price tag on baby's head?! It's not bad enough that baby want to float without ridiculously attractive woman grabbing the goddamn float? Float already float, and baby don't need woman's hands to help float. And now baby got to put up with stupid $4.99 price tag on forehead? This is not baby's idea of a good time floating.

Oh. $3.99 now. Big whoop. Damage already done with price tag on baby forehead. Baby can't expect to tan head with gigantic sticker. Baby not even floating for reals with unrealistically hot woman holding float like that. Baby need independence.

Can baby start day over?

Jay's Majestic Blow-Out

Check out my co-worker Jay's impressive coif. In addition to telling him he resembled Michael Cera, I said, "Nice blow-out," and he didn't know what I meant. I said, "You know, like Pauly D from 'Jersey Shore,'" and he didn't know what that meant, either. Then he tells me he doesn't even own a TV. Goddamned hipster.




You can see how its magnificence is magnified during focus groups:

As If Beauty Pageants Weren't Sad Enough

I came across this "Ms. Planet Beach International" pageant on TV the other day. And it was the regular tits-and-smile fare for a while, but then host Lorenzo Lamas (who I thought I was done making fun of) interviewed each contestant and asked them to hold up some cosmetic product and SELL it.


Each contestant pretended to be delighted to hold the bottle of whatever they'd been asked to peddle; quite a few said something like, "wow, I actually use this product!"

Watch this video to see glimpses of Lorenzo Lamas' soul dying:



And here's a way-too-long video that explains the "spokesmodel search" more in depth. I think it's no accident that the length of the video is 9:11.

Goddammit

Let's suppose for a second that every time you said "Goddammit," that God would literally damn the thing to Hell that you just cursed. Here now is a short (and incomplete) list of things that He would now have damned for eternity:

• 4,893 bottles of Purell that didn't dispense properly
• 7,355,281,722 screen doors
• 89,477,162,976,933,800,323,713 barking dogs
• The Wall Street Journal
• the stop sign on the northeast corner of 510 N Oak Street, Searcy, Arkansas
• this blog
• Perry Ferrell
• 92 Dunkin Donuts stores
• 4,177 Dunkin Donuts employees
• taffeta fabric
• Phish
• 8,184,302,899 shelving units
• Ralph Nader
• the word "crevasse"
• 93,017,843,822,840,398,541,275,362,707,398,886,224 nails that didn't get hammered straight into a board
• Internet Explorer
• people who don't like the latest season of "The Simpsons"
• the shift button on 6,922,479 computer keyboards
• that Details photoshoot where Alex Rodriguez made like he was kissing himself
• The steps of the Statue of Liberty
• YOU

Now Boarding

(pleasant tone over loudspeaker)

"Thank you for waiting. Flight 856 to Tampa will now begin preboarding. Sutra Airlines invites all First Class and Business Class passengers to board."

(ten minute wait)

"At this time, Flight 856 to Tampa welcomes all Platinum, Gold, Silver, Bronze, and Jade Club members to board."

(five minute wait)

"Thank you for waiting. Any passengers requiring assistance are welcome to board."

(six minute wait)

"At this time, anyone traveling with small children are welcome to board."

(fifteen minute wait)

"Thank you for waiting. Sutra Airlines now welcomes all 'Sutra Mileage Club' members to board."

(ten minute wait)

"Flight 856 now welcomes those passengers who have very large carry-on luggage but refuse to check the goddamn things in so you can save fifty bucks. You are welcome to shove those gigantic rollers into the overhead bins of other passengers, including the ones who haven't even boarded yet."

(four minute wait)

"At this time, Flight 856 welcomes the rest of you plebeians to board. Yeah, that includes you, the old man with the crate of chickens and the goat on a rope."

(six minute wait)

"David Estoye is now welcome to board."

Spotted In South Carolina

Something you typically see in South Carolina:

Spotted In North Carolina

Wait, there are people who both get Limp Bizkit song lyric references and reproduce? Fuck.

Oh, The Indignity

Pictured above, J'Net tries to maintain her poise while waiting in the bathroom line at an "all ages" show.

(The girls behind her half-vomited on herself and is looking for a napkin to wipe a gigantic snot, and the girls horsing around in front of her probably didn't have to pee all that badly.)

Alliteration At All Costs

Spotted in Manhattan, between The Wonderful Projects and The Enjoyable Ghetto.

Wal-Mart Keeps Doing the Pathmark Thing

Picture above, a college student who yearns to be outdoors, a parent who misses a quiet house, someone on a diet who cheats, and a dog owner who wishes he were more cut.

Spotted In Jersey

Proof you can love rough sex AND Jesus.

Barry and His Strassburg Sock

When Barry went to his podiatrist to complain about his foot pain and to just complain about his life in general, Barry's podiatrist recommended The Strassburg Sock, a medieval-looking device that not only treats irritation and swelling of the thick tissue on the bottom of the foot, but also makes your feet look like harps.


The ridiculousness of the appearance is deceiving, however. Turns out these socks actually do work, as Barry has attested after wearing for several weeks.



Here is Barry's story in his own words:


David,

I know that you’ve been intrigued with my Strassburg Sock. As a plantar fasciitis sufferer, my podiatrist prescribed the patented Strassburg Sock as part of my treatment regimen. The sock itself has an adjustable strap that attaches from the toe to the knee area, and is designed to stretch tight foot tendons that are the main cause of fasciitis pain.

At first, I was skeptical: What’s this crazy sock? Why does it make me look like a giant elf? And who the fuck was Strassburg? But now that I’ve worn it, here are my initial impressions:

1. In an emergency, the Strassburg Sock could kill you. I quickly realized that if a fire broke out, and I’m wearing the sock, my mobility would be severely limited. Trying to run on one good foot, the other curled up uselessly into a giant “C” shape, I would eventually stumble, and be consumed in the flames. For this reason, I am careful to complete a thorough fire safety check in my apartment before donning the sock.

2. The Strassburg Sock is unsightly. After wearing the sock for 15 minutes or so, my leg hairs poke out of the sheer fabric of the sock, resembling a little denuded forest in a snowy landscape. This unsettles me.

3. After 10 minutes, the Strassburg Sock makes your toes go numb. Actually, I’m not sure if I like this or not.

4. The Strassburg Sock works. My foot pain is nearly gone.

5. Dr. Strassburg is not a legendary Nazi podiatrist. His name is Terry Strassburg, and he’s a former Marine who lives in upstate New York. I was a little disappointed when I learned this.


To learn more about the Strassburg Sock and what it can do for you like it did for Barry Harpfoot, visit www.thesock.com or visit Strasbourg.

A Cry For Help

Pictured above, if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can hang a painting of Mr. T out of your office window without your boss knowing, maybe you can hire– the A-Team.

An IM Convo

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With How To Legally Annul A Marriage

First of all, you need to live in the state where you'd like to receive an annulment. Most states have residency requirements that must be followed in order to be considered for an annulment.

Know that annulment criteria vary by state. Hire an attorney in your area who can guide you through the requirements of your state as you begin the annulment process.

And thirdly, consider the necessary criteria that can make your marriage eligible for an annulment. If the married couple are biologically close relatives (parent and child, grandparent and grandchild) than they are eligible for an annulment. If one of the parties is deemed mentally incapable to be married due to drunkenness or mental disease at the time of the marriage, than an annulment is a viable option. If one or both of the parties didn't meet age requirements or if the union was never consummated, the marriage is eligible to be declared invalid.

And speaking of marriage, when I drive couples during weddings, often brides will stand up through the sunroof and automatically lose their veils because of the wind. Then they make me turn the limo around to pick it up off the street, because it's some "valuable heirloom" or something. People, stop being assholes.

And Now, Some E-Mail FWDs From EADJ's Newest Friend, Cement Bird

Here is our new lovable friend, Cement Bird. Cement Bird likes to share the latest jokes, facts, and general useful info that it gets in its email inbox. Let's get started, shall we? Take it away, Cement Bird!


To: Barbara Howell ; Barbara Thompson ; Brenda Sheehan ; Margo Helms ; Dot Wagner ; Gladys Jone ; Gloria Massey ; Harold Macy ; Helen Darcy ; Janice Mickelson ; Jean Weigright ; Laverne Finch ; Linda Brown ; Linda Duncan ; Lisa Samantha ; Marcia Weeks ; rickandjudy@xbbtel.net ; Sandra Hargrove ; Sara Fickner ; Teri Bakertown ; Vivian Wellsley
Sent: Thursday, June 24, 2010 7:28 PM
Subject: FW: Lie Detector


This is a hoot and you will laugh! Garanteed!

THE LIE DETECTOR

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Robin


----------The New Busy think 9 to 5 is a cute idea. Combine multiple calendars with Hotmail. Get busy.----------


HAHAHHAA! That is a good joke, Cement Bird! Keep 'em coming!







>
_____
This message and any attachment are
> confidential and may be privileged. If
you are not the intended recipient,
> please contact us immediately and delete
this message and any attachment from
> your system.
If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, use or
> store this
message or attachment or disclose the contents to any other
> person.


Wow. Those are some really interesting facts, Cement Bird! Thanks for sharing that!


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Claire
Cc: Robert and Jean ; Jim and Sue ; Patricia Wisener ; KEVIN NOME
Sent: Wed, June 23, 2010 10:38:56 PM
Subject: Fw: The Hotel bill....


>>>>>>>>>My wife and I were travelling by car from Victoria
>>>>>>>> to Prince George.After
>>>>>>>almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to
>>>>>>>> continue, and decide
>>>>>>>to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four
>>>>>>>> hours and then get
>>>>>>>back on the road. When we checked out four hours later,
>>>>>>>> the desk clerk
>>>>>>>handed us a bill for $350.00.

>>>>>>>I explode and demand to
>>>>>>>> know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk
>>>>>>>although it's a nice hotel;
>>>>>>>> the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00

>>>>>>>Then the clerk tells me that
>>>>>>>> $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.

>>>>>>>I insisted on speaking to the
>>>>>>>> Manager.

>>>>>>>The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the
>>>>>>>> hotel has an
>>>>>>>Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were
>>>>>>>> available for us
>>>>>>>to use.
>>>>>>>'But we didn't use them.

>>>>>>>''Well, they
>>>>>>>> are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

>>>>>>>He goes on to
>>>>>>>> explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which
>>>>>>>the hotel is
>>>>>>>> famous.

>>>>>>>'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las
>>>>>>>> Vegas
>>>>>>>perform here,' the Manager says.
>>>>>>>'But we didn't go to any of those
>>>>>>>> shows,' .

>>>>>>>'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager
>>>>>>>> replies.

>>>>>>>No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But
>>>>>>>> we didn't use
>>>>>>>it!'

>>>>>>>The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up
>>>>>>>> and agreed to pay.

>>>>>>>I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
>>>>>>>>

>>>>>>>The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,'
>>>>>>>> 'this
>>>>>>>cheque is only made out for $50.00.

>>>>>>>''That's correct" I
>>>>>>>> replied "as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my
>>>>>>>wife.'

>>>>>>>'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

>>>>>>>'Well, that's
>>>>>>>> too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

----- End Message ----

Oh HAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAA, Cement Bird! That is a good one! Did that really happen? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHAH HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHAHHA HAHAHHAHAHA


What?

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 3

(cue irritating banjo music)


Project Hillbilly Teeth continues into its third stage, marking the first trilogy. Here now is a recap of PHT's mission goals:

1) find discarded business cards in public places

2) retain these business cards to protect these innocent people from identity thieves

3) mail to those people a confusing letter with a free package of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth

4) bask in how much confusion you imagine them feeling


It must be reiterated that our purpose here is to provide awareness to the dangers of identity theft. This is a serious undergoing that has inspired dozens of high schools and technical colleges to request that we come by to speak to kids, but we don't want to do that crap. If "Dr. T and the Women" taught us anything, it's that we must protect ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

This round, we had gathered business cards from streets, gutters, and train platforms to bring you a veterinarian, a TV political analyst, and a scoutmaster.

Click to enlarge and read:




And here now are the requisite composites of how we imagine these fine people looking when they try on the hillbilly teeth:




It's a colossal waste of time!

(end irritating banjo music)

Let's Try This Now

I found this Japanese deli near my office that sells Japanese snack foods.


It's unfortunate that most Americans don't know about delicious treats like Aloe Water and Pocari Sweat, so we at EADJ have decided to become the official advertising agency for many of these unsung Hirohitos.


Over the coming weeks, we will produce television spots for a Japanese item. Here's the first one, for a beverage called Ramu Bottle Grape: