New Circles of Hell Announced!

Lucifer—in conjunction with Hell Properties LLC and Caswell Architects Inc.—is happy to announce the expansion of the 9 Circles of Hell into 20 Circles (with additional retail space).

Construction begins in June of 2018 A.D., and the exciting new 11 circles will be open in October of 2020, A.D., so be sure to die damned sometime after that month. Here now are those new expanded circles:

Circle 10: People who backed up on the freeway to the exit they just missed

Circle 11: Jews. Just kidding! Catholics

Circle 12: Any contestant from MTV's Road Rules/Real World/The Inferno/Battle of the Sexes 2/The Island/The Gauntlet/Challenge Cutthroat or any version of that fucking shit

Circle 13: People who work at salad places but don't put a fork in the bag for you

Circle 14: People in movie theaters who text on their phones when the announcement to turn off your phones comes on

Circle 15: The members of New Edition who were not in Bell Biv DeVoe

Circle 16: Those three lying dickheads on Fox & Friends

Circle 17: People who don't clean up their dog's shit in public spaces

Circle 18: Freeloaders who try every sample at Costco

Circle 19: Clients who give you an assignment and tell you to "have fun with it"

Circle 20: Any millennial who has ever performed a ukulele cover of any kind

Retail spaces: Baby Devil Gap, Jamba Jizz, Abercrombie & Fitch, Lids, Lady Foot Locker, Damelot Music, Brimstone Creamery, Flay-A-Bear Workshop, Orange Julius

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

As I've said before, I am an easygoing person and value my friendships, but on Facebook, I am Josef Stalin and will not suffer fools gladly. Especially since Facebook friendships are about as genuine as Raweos are genuine cookies (Wow, 2-hour-old reference!).

So today we are going to defriend a high school acquaintance from North Carolina whose only crime was having an overly zealous friend, one who instantly attributed some unseasonable weather to the Rapture. Think I'm kidding? Read this shit (I replaced S____'s profile photo with a North Carolina icon and her friend's profile photo with Maude Flanders):

Is that really in Scripture?

The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence. And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth. So God made it sleet a little in part of the Southern United States but only for a few minutes. For this- when mankind cannot tell one season from the other-was a sign unto men that the end was nigh.

This does mark the first time someone has been defriended solely on the behavior of their other friend. So what.

Oh happy day! No longer friends!

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick, Joel

 I learned the other day that Fisher Price actually offers a Little People Nativity Set, which actually sounds pretty sweet:

It's a pretty deluxe set with 12 people and animal figures, a cart, and a manger, so you really can't go wrong with that.

Then I realized that this new set would offer some unique play-time possibilities to people who already own Fisher Price Little People sets.

Joseph and the Orca Whale: Joseph goes on a sabbatical to "find himself" and gets caught up in a "Life of Pi" style adventure where he must impose his will upon a stubborn killer orca whale (who we learn later was really his mother all along).

Batman and Balthazar: When a member of the legendary Three Kings teams up with The Dark Knight, watch out crime! Armed with batarangs and frankincense, this righteous duo patrols the streets of Gotham with a mighty vengeance on the combination camel/bat pod.

Snow White, the Virgin Mary, and the Seven Dwarfs: two virtuous women share a cramped house with seven quirky roommates. Bashful gets an aneurysm from shyness. Grumpy gets damned to hell.

Superman and the Baby Jesus: The Son of God and the son of Jor-El join forces and make it totally unfair for any villains to go against them. It's not even close.

Pandas and the Ass: Two friendly Pandas join up with Joseph and Mary's ass on a frolicking free-wheeling adventure of fun and self-discovery! Whatever.

A whole butt-load of obsolete vintage Little People and a Sheep: For adults only.

Overheard At The Living Nativity Scene

"Well, this itches more than I thought it would."

"Psst, what's the Packers/Lions score?"

"Aw man, what did you feed the goat?"

"That drummer boy is really starting to annoy me."

"I just realized that half of us are in a band."
"I know they mean well, but it's really distracting when passing cars honk their horns."
"Applebee's."
"I'm doing this for purely political reasons."
"Dude, I don't think a Rottweiler was in Bethlehem."
"Joseph. Stop staring at my chest."
"Does this count as cosplay?"
"Why is the baby black?"
"This manger wasn't built by a competent carpenter, I'll tell you that much."
"How ironic. The Comfort Inn across the street says 'No Vacancy.'"
"Sheeeeeeeeeee-ip."
"Hágame el favor de hablar más despacio."
"This will get me on IMDb, right?"
"Onion bagels? Fucking hell, Tom, I specifically said plain or raisin bagels."
"Okay, who has the air horn?"
"I look good in this."

Literate Book Corner: The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism, Published 1964

Like I mentioned before, there's a free used book rack at my New Jersey train station, and while I mainly dump off books I've read there, sometimes there are titles that catch my attention that I'm compelled to share.

This one is terrific. It's a New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism handbook from 1965. And while it's filled with the requisite Bible readings, "study helps" (??????), and Mass prayers, they've gone the extra mile to include illustrations of children saying things that children WOULD NEVER SAY:

I showed it to my wife and she said, "That's propaganda." If I were a kid and heard another kid say anything like that, I would think, This guy is either an adult pretending to be a kid or a fucking narc.

This book frames the lessons of the Bible in terms that children can understand- like honoring your father and mother by obeying their request to do chores- but a lot of these other scenarios are examples of being nice rather avoiding sin. 

Sure, it can be all interpretation of Scripture that being nice is being holy (pretty loosey-goosey, if you ask me), but why try so hard to make children feel guilty about being children? Why instill children with such a deep sense of guilt so early in their lives... oh, yeah. Catholicism.

"You Gotta Want It!"

Picture above, the Baby Jesus does some crunches while he waits for his birthday.

EADJ Explains What's New About The Revised Catholic Mass Texts

Unless you've been a Catholic living under a rock or a non-Catholic, or a Catholic who hasn't attended church in a while which sounds like a whole lot of Catholics I know, you may have noticed that many of the words you've recited mindlessly by rote all your life in Mass have changed since November of last year.

"What's the dilly, yo?" you may ask your priest. The answer is that your Mass is still the same but features new translations of prayers from Latin to English. And since Eat A Dick Joel is your main source of spirituality, here now we highlight the most significant changes in your Mass text:

• "Our Father" now replaced with lyrics from the opening credits for "Land of the Lost"

• The Nicene Creed is now more Niceney.

• The Apostle's Creed is now required by law to be recited alongside a member from Creed (it doesn't have to be Scott Stapp).

• When the priest says "The Lord be with you," you can now say "Ditto."


• General Intercessions now include a common prayer for Katherine Heigl to stop making movies.

• For the first time ever, worshippers are allowed to enjoy a Snickers bar during the service.

• The Epiclesis is explained in better detail during the Anamnesis.

• The Recessional hymn is interrupted by a referee's whistle if anyone tries to leave their pew before the last verse.

Fortunately, the dress code in church has stayed the same:

Goddammit

Let's suppose for a second that every time you said "Goddammit," that God would literally damn the thing to Hell that you just cursed. Here now is a short (and incomplete) list of things that He would now have damned for eternity:

• 4,893 bottles of Purell that didn't dispense properly
• 7,355,281,722 screen doors
• 89,477,162,976,933,800,323,713 barking dogs
• The Wall Street Journal
• the stop sign on the northeast corner of 510 N Oak Street, Searcy, Arkansas
• this blog
• Perry Ferrell
• 92 Dunkin Donuts stores
• 4,177 Dunkin Donuts employees
• taffeta fabric
• Phish
• 8,184,302,899 shelving units
• Ralph Nader
• the word "crevasse"
• 93,017,843,822,840,398,541,275,362,707,398,886,224 nails that didn't get hammered straight into a board
• Internet Explorer
• people who don't like the latest season of "The Simpsons"
• the shift button on 6,922,479 computer keyboards
• that Details photoshoot where Alex Rodriguez made like he was kissing himself
• The steps of the Statue of Liberty
• YOU

Aiming For 300

Pictured above, Jesus goes bowling with a toddler's head.