The ProofrEADJer: Early June Edition

As God is My Witness, I'll Never Be Pathmark Again.

Retail Loyalty Programs!

With the success of loyalty programs like California Pizza Kitchen's Pizza Dough and My Starbucks, lots of other chains are looking to keep customers coming back with their own custom programs. Join these new loyalty clubs:

Delta Airlines Masochists
Cheesecake Factory Fat Fucks
Petsmart Turdhandlers Elite
Whole Foods Insufferable Soccer Moms
Supercuts Nicked Ear Club
Hobby Lobby Homophobic Sewing Circle
Ticketmaster Enablers
Yankee Candle's La Cosa Nostril
Hooters Eligible Bachelor Pad
Restoration Hardware Pewter Addicts
Sephora Lyin' Bitches
Lids Douchebag Rewards

A Few Retail Stores And The Likelihood That They'll Sell Unusual Products

Staples

3-ring binder dividers (pink) with pockets: 90% chance

Contraceptive sponges: 3% chance

Old Navy

Flip flops: 95,000% chance

Pants that don't make you look either effeminate or masculine in ways you didn't intend: 18% chance

Bass Pro Shops

Live bait that screams when you put it on a hook: 67% chance

Nail polish remover: 7% chance

Best Buy

TV with no HDMI but with *both* RCA and coaxial cable ins: 71% chance

A faulty dryer that has 8 lbs of smuggled cocaine inside: 45% chance

CVS Pharmacy

Picture frames with already broken glass: 38% chance

A DVD copy of "Untamed Heart" starring Christian Slater: 93% chance

Hot Topic

Panic! At The Disco tank top: 100% chance

Something your dad would wear: 0% chance

Bed Bath & Beyond

"Washtunes: the washcloth that has a pocket for your smartphone:" 88% chance

Fertility idol that works: 14% chance

Ross: Dress For Less

A wedding gown for under $15: 63% chance

A communicable disease from one of their thongs: 77% chance

Some Unfortunate Things You Could Be Wearing While Having Road Rage

If you're going to be behind the wheel and suddenly flip the fuck out over something that happened on the road, here are some items of clothing we hope you don't happen to be wearing at the time:

• "Jesus Loves You" t-shirt
• ball gag
• screen-accurate Scarlett O'Hara cosplay
• your Taco Bell uniform
• "Ask me about refinancing your home today!" button
• a condom (while you're inside your wife)
• diabetes socks and Crocs
• papal vestments
• Paypal vestments
• "Miss Peru" pageant sash
• your Kennedy Honors Award Ribbons
• the macaw on your shoulder who repeats everything you say
• tar and feathers
• the look of love
• your dashing Mariachi band outfit, complete with rhinestoned sombrero, rhinestoned guitar and rhinestoned saddle for your burro (who is being towed in the trailer behind you)
• a name tag that says "Stan Lee," because you're Stan Lee

Can We Please Cut The Crap?

Okay, let me start by saying there isn't a "War On Christmas" post. I'm fine with saying Happy Holidays because other people have Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, so that's cool. What I do have a problem with are all these retail stores too afraid to say ANYTHING, so they just butt up two vaguely holiday-related words together and hope they don't offend anybody. So we end up with toothless pap like this:

Slap on a few snowflakes and you're good, right? Fucking hell. You'd offend me less if you hung up words like BUY SHIT or SPEND FREELY. Grow some balls, Lane Bryant!

Something I've Noticed And A Possible Theory

If you've been Christmas shopping lately, you might have noticed a certain pattern of speech in a lot of retail windows.




It seems like a bunch of places are no longer using complete, coherent sentences and instead just throwing words like "Joy" or "Merry" or "Give" together.






My theory about this new practice goes like this: retailers shied away from saying "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" because they don't want to alienate anybody. But they also feel like saying "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings" is too common or pedestrian– something your local muffler shop would say– so they invent new expressions, using seasonal keywords to conjure up "SHARE DELIGHT" or "UNWRAP ENCHANTMENT" or some other new age-y nondenominational horseshit that doesn't mean anything.