Being talented and famous apparently isn't enough for Ariana Grande. She also fancies herself an irresistible, adorable summer sprite who sheds pixie dust while butterflies flutter out of her dimples. That's all well and good, but here now are more things that happen to be cuter than her:
This is the temp Hal. I've been fuckin asked to fuckin remind the whole office that fuckin timesheets are due at the end of the day and shit. And you all need to use the latest fuckin job #s or else nobody gets fuckin paid. But I do because the temp agency pays me regardless LOL 🖕
Anyway, here are the job numbers to use. Hal out:
58576: Sybian training
21094: Proving you weren't fondling the Resusci-Annie
50034: Sharing your peach cobbler recipe
91990: Teaching the younger folk how to skank
68931: Revealing spoilers for "The Sixth Sense"
77515: Gaslighting the nation
37912: Searching "feet' on Pornhub
022175: Shitting you
19281: Badmouthing cabbage as a substitute for kale
00313: Doin' the Mess Around per Ray Charles's instructions
52219: Wingin' it at speed dating
39997: Interrupting your daughter's makeup tutorial
Twitter sucks so much ass it should implode under its own suckage. Nevertheless, its users "tweet" about lots of subjects, and they add hashtags which become popular and why am I explaining all this to you in 2019. Anyways, here are the least used hashtags that you should use in your own tweets:
Zack Snyder's mediocre Justice League movie has come and gone, but its merchandising slug trail remains. But if you're keen on purchasing a Justice League 888 Infinite Collection pen from the Swiss company Caran d’Ache, you're in luck. But here are some pros and cons of buying one of these expensive writing tools ($9.99/each):
Hero Pen: The Flash
Pros: Pop the button, and the nib instantly appears!
"Uggh... I'm so glad you asked... *gah* It's... uh... a pretty funny story, actually.... *ACK!* You see, what happens was... (gags) uh... ah.... I was originally supposed to... (muffled) eh... no... wait. I was... originally... OWW!.. originally sup... *TAH! TAH! TAH!*...." (dies)
1) Fold the swaddle into a diamond shape, and place baby on back in the center with shoulders just below the fold.
2) Place baby's right arm alongside the body, slightly bent. Take the same side of the swaddle and pull it securely across baby’s arm and chest, tucking the fabric under the baby. Leave the left arm free.
3) Fold the bottom of the swaddle up and over baby's feet. Tuck the point of the fabric into the top of the swaddle.
4) Place baby's left arm alongside the body, slightly bent. Take the remaining swaddle, and wrap it over baby’s arm and chest, tucking the fabric under baby to secure the swaddle.
And speaking of wraps, there's this really terrific Mediterranean wrap place near my company's garage. And if you mention my name, the owner Jon will hook you up with free chips. No joke!
I know at this point, it looks like I'm looking for trouble- luring men and breaking their hearts. But honestly, I'm just a simple claims adjuster who has an after-work cocktail now and then. It's just been my extreme misfortune to be accosted by so many creepy musicians from the 80s! If there were another bar besides The Breakfast Club Bar near my work, believe me, I'd be going there instead!
One of the things I enjoy is having my drink over by the window. That way I can spot Tammy or Debora (not Debra or Deborah with the H) and call them inside to share a drinkie. But lately these guys named The Tubes have noticed me in the window and have started calling unwanted attention my way. Here is my point-by-point rebuttal of what they've been saying:
1) "Step right up and don't be shy / Because you will not believe your eyes / She's right here behind the glass / And you're gonna like her 'Cause she's got class" What the fuck? I'm minding my own business in a window, and now these assholes are charging admission for people to look at me? What about my privacy?!
2) "You can look inside another world / You get to talk to a pretty girl / She's everything you dream about / But don't fall in love" You can knock on the window or put your number on a piece of paper and put it against the glass, but I'm not talking to you.
3) "She's a beauty / She's one in a million girls / She's a beauty / Why would I lie? / Why would I lie?" You'd lie because I can read your lips that you're charging $5 to "check out this MILF's sexy gams". That does it. I'm calling the police next time I see you out there, Tubes.
Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):
1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.
2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.
3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.
4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.
5)She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.
6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.
Listen, guys– Daryl and John, is it? I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'm guessing you two are attracted to me and all, and I'm supposed to be flattered, but frankly, it's disturbing and pathetic and you two need to leave me alone. I've been coming into this bar for weeks now and think all this unwanted attention from you is pretty much harassment at this point. Here now is my point-by-point rebuttal of what you two have been saying about me:
1) I "only come out at night" because the bar is only open at night, from 7pm-2am. It says so on the sign, dummies.
2) "the lean and hungry type"? Is that skinny shaming? I did have a tapeworm 5 years ago.
3) "Ooh, she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door" I was waiting for my friend Tammy that night. We were going to have some jalapeño poppers before that new Sandra Bullock movie. You two sat down and started the conversation.
4) "So many have paid to see / what you think you're getting for free" Now look. I appreciate that you paid for the jalapeño poppers but had NO IDEA you expected sexual favors in return. Then turn around and imply I'm some kind of prostitute? Classy, guys.
5) "(Oh here she comes) watch out boy she'll chew you up (Oh here she comes) She's a maneater" Cute. I turn you guys down once and all of a sudden I'm this out of control Jezebel. I regret accepting the jalapeño poppers if I knew this is how you'd react.
6) "Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart" This is some classic bullshit. The skinny blonde guy and the short dude with the porn mustache creep me out at a bar, but I'm the demon for not responding to their weak game. You guys are assholes. And by the way, a saxophone solo is not sexy- it's cheesy AF.
