Showing posts with label intimate agony. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intimate agony. Show all posts
Thursday, April 18, 2019
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Monday, May 8, 2017
Monday, January 25, 2016
The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition
See 2015's entry here.
Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600
Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts
Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?
Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.
Brand: Certo
Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis
Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"
Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes
Brand: Medline
Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.
Brand Promise: PLEASE DO NOT FLUSH TAMPONS IN TOILET
Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle
Brand: Monogram
Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.
Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.
Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.
Brand: Chalet
Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey
Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.
Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks
Monday, June 9, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
An Estoye Family Tradition
So for four years in a row now, the Estoye family has made it a grand Christmas tradition to not cook and go eat at Denny's instead. (Yeah, I know it's like two months late for this post, but I just had to get that Intimate Agony movie review out ASAP.) We've consistently picked Denny's for the value, the prices, and the great prices we get on value. Plus if you've ever seen the inside of my parents' fridge, you'd not want to eat there, either.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
The EADJ Crappinema Presents: Intimate Agony
Oh dear. Watching this was brutal. Think all the excitement of reading a clinic herpes brochure, but with the star power of Luke from General Hospital and Robert Vaughn. I guess some ABC executives were required by law to broadcast information about the rising genital-herpes spread by the CDC, and they decided to "sweeten" the message by turning it into a feature movie. Genius!
But at least I guess this movie has an important message behind all the glamour and exciting set pieces: once you've been visited by Uncle Herp, he'll always swing by unannounced to infect your crotch with lap pepperoni. Serious stuff.
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:
Doctor: You're still contagious. No sexual contact with anyone til it's cleared up.
Ned: Isn't there a chance... I could have picked it up any other way?
Doctor: I'm afraid not. You married?
Ned: No, no. I'm single.
Doctor nods and frowns.
END SCENE TO BREAK AWAY TO ENJOLI, CHARLIE AND BIJAN FRAGRANCE COMMERCIALS
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:
Dr. Richards: I asked her to leave because what we have to talk about is strictly confidential. I won't tell anybody. You're my patient–I respect your right to privacy, same as everyone else. What you have is genital-herpes. There's no cure yet, but it's controllable, and with understanding you can lead a perfectly normal life.
Katie: There's no cure?
Dr. Richards: It's a virus, Katie. The symptoms go away, but the bug sort of hides in an area near your spine called the sacral ganglia. Sometimes it flares up again. We don't know exactly why.
Katie: You mean It's gonna happen over and over?
Dr. Richards: Not necessarily.
Katie: I heard you can get cancer.
Dr. Richards: Your chances of getting cervical cancer go up. So it's important that you get frequent pap smears.
(music)
Dr. Richards: You might feel... frightened, guilty, even embarrassed. Katie, I can treat the disease. I don't know that I can help you with those other feelings, but I'd like to try. But I can tell you this: they are far more dangerous than the virus.
Katie: Can I go?
Dr. Richards: Will you come back so we can talk?
Katie: I gotta go.
exeunt
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:
Dr. Chambers: Okay Tommy, lecture time...Tommy, there are 2 types of herpes virus. Type 1 is common. Like a cold sore or fever blister. Type 2 is what you got. Genital-herpes. I can't cure it, Tommy. I can only treat the symptoms and give you the facts.
Tommy: Well, I don't LIKE the FACTS!
Dr. Chambers: The facts don't care! You got herpes! That means you have to tell the women you're going to have sex with BEFORE you go to bed with them that if you have an outbreak, they'll probably get it.
Tommy: Great. How am I supposed to know when I'm contagious?
Dr. Chambers: Okay the active period is called viral shedding. You're contagious from just before that during a period called the prograll, when you have a tingling or burning sensation. Then in a couple of days the area becomes inflamed. Blisters form, rupture, dry out. And then you wait until the lesions are completely healed.
So overall, Intimate Agony was marginally more enjoyable than actually contracting genital-herpes. Certainly more cinematic an effort than Chlamydia-Bake! and On Burning, Golden Pond.
But at least I guess this movie has an important message behind all the glamour and exciting set pieces: once you've been visited by Uncle Herp, he'll always swing by unannounced to infect your crotch with lap pepperoni. Serious stuff.
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:
Doctor: You're still contagious. No sexual contact with anyone til it's cleared up.
Ned: Isn't there a chance... I could have picked it up any other way?
Doctor: I'm afraid not. You married?
Ned: No, no. I'm single.
Doctor nods and frowns.
END SCENE TO BREAK AWAY TO ENJOLI, CHARLIE AND BIJAN FRAGRANCE COMMERCIALS
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:Dr. Richards: I asked her to leave because what we have to talk about is strictly confidential. I won't tell anybody. You're my patient–I respect your right to privacy, same as everyone else. What you have is genital-herpes. There's no cure yet, but it's controllable, and with understanding you can lead a perfectly normal life.
Katie: There's no cure?Dr. Richards: It's a virus, Katie. The symptoms go away, but the bug sort of hides in an area near your spine called the sacral ganglia. Sometimes it flares up again. We don't know exactly why.
Katie: You mean It's gonna happen over and over?Dr. Richards: Not necessarily.
Katie: I heard you can get cancer. Dr. Richards: Your chances of getting cervical cancer go up. So it's important that you get frequent pap smears.
(music)Dr. Richards: You might feel... frightened, guilty, even embarrassed. Katie, I can treat the disease. I don't know that I can help you with those other feelings, but I'd like to try. But I can tell you this: they are far more dangerous than the virus.
Katie: Can I go?
Dr. Richards: Will you come back so we can talk?Katie: I gotta go.
exeunt
The following is verbatim dialogue for this scene:
Dr. Chambers: Okay Tommy, lecture time...Tommy, there are 2 types of herpes virus. Type 1 is common. Like a cold sore or fever blister. Type 2 is what you got. Genital-herpes. I can't cure it, Tommy. I can only treat the symptoms and give you the facts.
Tommy: Well, I don't LIKE the FACTS!
Dr. Chambers: The facts don't care! You got herpes! That means you have to tell the women you're going to have sex with BEFORE you go to bed with them that if you have an outbreak, they'll probably get it.
Tommy: Great. How am I supposed to know when I'm contagious?
Dr. Chambers: Okay the active period is called viral shedding. You're contagious from just before that during a period called the prograll, when you have a tingling or burning sensation. Then in a couple of days the area becomes inflamed. Blisters form, rupture, dry out. And then you wait until the lesions are completely healed.
So overall, Intimate Agony was marginally more enjoyable than actually contracting genital-herpes. Certainly more cinematic an effort than Chlamydia-Bake! and On Burning, Golden Pond.
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