A Rebuttal of Hall & Oates's "Maneater," From The Alleged Maneater, Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan

Listen, guys– Daryl and John, is it? I don't know where all of this is coming from. I'm guessing you two are attracted to me and all, and I'm supposed to be flattered, but frankly, it's disturbing and pathetic and you two need to leave me alone. I've been coming into this bar for weeks now and think all this unwanted attention from you is pretty much harassment at this point. Here now is my point-by-point rebuttal of what you two have been saying about me:

1) I "only come out at night" because the bar is only open at night, from 7pm-2am. It says so on the sign, dummies.

2) "the lean and hungry type"? Is that skinny shaming? I did have a tapeworm 5 years ago.

3) "Ooh, she's sitting with you but her eyes are on the door" I was waiting for my friend Tammy that night. We were going to have some jalapeño poppers before that new Sandra Bullock movie. You two sat down and started the conversation.

4) "So many have paid to see / what you think you're getting for free" Now look. I appreciate that you paid for the jalapeño poppers but had NO IDEA you expected sexual favors in return. Then turn around and imply I'm some kind of prostitute? Classy, guys.

5) "(Oh here she comes) watch out boy she'll chew you up (Oh here she comes) She's a maneater" Cute. I turn you guys down once and all of a sudden I'm this out of control Jezebel. I regret accepting the jalapeño poppers if I knew this is how you'd react.

6) "Mind over matter / Ooh, the beauty is there but a beast is in the heart" This is some classic bullshit. The skinny blonde guy and the short dude with the porn mustache creep me out at a bar, but I'm the demon for not responding to their weak game. You guys are assholes. And by the way, a saxophone solo is not sexy- it's cheesy AF.

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Publish Your Own Book

1) First, just get words on paper; work on your manuscript done. Once your manuscript is ready, use a self-publishing service to put your book in front of readers. Learn from their feedback to make an even better follow-up title.

2) Find an editor. While not required for self-publishing, editors can help make your story flow better, strengthen plots and characters, spot inconsistencies, and generally make your book more interesting and approachable in both fiction and nonfiction.

3) Find the right distributor. Don't use any book publishing service which demands an up-front fee and/or an excessive cut of sales revenue—there's simply no reason to pay for expensive vanity publishers anymore. Instead, use a service like Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing. Similar self-publishing services are offered by Barnes & Noble (through Nook Press), Apple (through iTunes Connect) and others, but Amazon's is one of the most widely available platforms and is easy to use.

And speaking of Apple, if you need your iPhone charged in my limo, I have both an old fashioned 6-pin cord and one of the new "lightining" cables. So keep your cool and don't start shouting about my "old piece of shit car" when I've clearly kept with the times. Be safe, kids.

EADJ Etiquette Center

A new segment on manners by EADJ.


Etiquette Tip: Too often these days, if you see someone you know in the hallway or on the elevator at work, they ask "How are you?" and you say, "Fine, how are you?" and for some reason (maybe they haven't been paying attention), they say "Fine, how are you?" a second time, which is really infuriating.

In the cases where they ask you a second time how you are, it is acceptable to just say "Cunt." We even ran this by Miss Manners, and she was cool with it.

What I live with every day.

Spotted at the Grand Central Station platform: real or fake blood?

On one hand, it was Halloween night. Then again, it's New York.

So much to enjoy here.

I found this document among some old papers when packing for New York. It's some sort of press release I was given at a Kinko's in San Francisco. And it's real– I remember talking to the guy at the Kinko's.

Click on the picture to read the whole thing before continuing onto our comments. It's definitely worth it.


Okay, finished? Good. To tackle comments on this bad boy, we're going to have to break it down into categories. Here goes:


HORRIFIC SPELLING



First of all, being a fashion designer in California and misspelling FRED SEGAL is inexcusable. Then misspelling important clients' names like Sheila E., Shari Belafonte, Arsenio Hall, Oaktown's 357, Ace Deuce, and Rappin' 4-Tay is pretty awful, too. This press release was written in November 2001, and I'm pretty sure the Internet was around then, so one could have checked. I lay most of the blame on "Cola," who apparently edited this thing. But how shitty an editor do you have to be to misspell Duvall's own name THREE TIMES in the copy? Wait a minute. Maybe Duvall's name is really spelled "Duval," and Cola misspelled it five times. No, let's just give Cola the benefit of the doubt here.



MC HAMMER'S "DIPPER" PANTS



I guess in the back of my mind at one time in 1990 I did wonder who the hell came up with those enormous pants. Who knew that 11 years later I would come face to face with the guy who puts it as #1 in his portfolio? "World-shattering," indeed. I imagine that Spike DDB got Duvall's help in recreating the Dipper pants for this Superbowl Lay's Potato Chips commercial in 2005:



PUNANY POETS

Okay, for once Cola didn't completely screw up a client's name (except for the word 'troupe'). And a quick Google check verified that the Punany Poets are indeed still in business! It's unknown whether they still sport Duvall's provocative fashions during their performances, however. The Poon Tang Minstrels and The Gaping Vajhole Storytellers couldn't be reached for comment.
Punany Poets Online
Punany Poets on myspace

THE ALBUM COVER


I gotta admit, the "Dipper" pants were pretty ridiculous, but for some reason the outfits that blaxploitation legend Max Julien and Rappin' 4-Tay are wearing are pretty sweet. Maybe it's the fact that it's all white. Or that the jackets drape over the jodhpur-like thighs. And the name "Alpha-male" is a delightful euphemism for pimp. Sweet.

A pretty exhaustive Google and Hotbot search for "Duvall," "MC Hammer" and even "Dipper pants" turned up nothing. Duvall's obscurity may be attributed to his now-outdated designs, but I believe his fame was ultimately screwed from the get-go by poorly edited press releases. Nice going, Cola.


**** LIKE, MAJOR MAJOR UPDATE!!!!!! ****
Andrew Gall found a designer named Duvall on myspace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously. I think this earns Andrew Gall EADJ's first ever Adamantium Mollusk Award.

Link

There's a 99.9999% chance that this is him. Jeez, look at all the powerful friends he has– the Obamas, the Cosbys, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Mayor Daley...it looks like Cola was a nonfactor after all! TUUUUUUU!