A Rebuttal of "Easy Lover" by Phil Collins and Philip Bailey From The Alleged Easy Lover, Who Incredibly, Happens To Be Jocelyn Taylor-Heffernan Again

Previous related entry here.

Jesus. Why do creeps always come in twos? First I get called a "Maneater" because I won't sleep with two guys who buy me jalapeño poppers at a bar, now these two other losers are slut-shaming me? Shit, I'm starting to think I need to find a different bar to go to after work. A point-by-point rebuttal to Phil and Philip (who I never could tell who was who):

1) "Easy lover / She'll get a hold on you believe it" Look, I've only had 4 boyfriends in my adult life, and one was a speed date that didn't work out. And I never slept with the bald one or the black one (who is admittedly kind of cute), so this idea that I'm "easy" is beyond offensive. I think they're just bitter I didn't put out.

2) "Like no other / Before you know it you'll be on your knees" Talk about a backhanded compliment. "Ohh! Look at the scary assertive woman who refuses your clumsy advances, so she's automatically broken your heart!" Gimme a break.

3) "She's an easy lover / She'll take your heart but you won't feel it / She's like no other / And I'm just trying to make you see" I didn't take shit, gents. I took my purse and moved to another table.

4) "She's the kind of girl you dream of / Dream of keeping hold of / You'd better forget it / You'll never get it" I actually agree with this one. Damn straight you'll never get it if you try shitty pickup lines. I don't care how funny you are, baldie.

5) She will play around and leave you / Leave you and deceive you / Better forget it / Oh you'll regret it" No no no. I did not "play around". I said "no thank you" and tried to get the bartender's attention so I could pay for my rum and Coke. I certainly wasn't going to let another pair of 80s musicians pay for my tab so they can harass me later.

6) "No you'll never change her, so leave it, leave it / Get out quick 'cause seeing is believing / It's the only way / You'll ever know" Fine. Let the losers warn each other that I'm not approachable. I'll find me a real man who can commit, like that Rick Astley.