Lineup Updates for VidCon 2024

VidCon, the "TED Talk for content creators", is almost here. And a ton of speakers have been added to the roster. Get your tickets soon to see these luminaries live:

• Trad wife / conservative activist Poodle McPickens will berate the crowd for being so diverse.

• Threads "comedian" Gil Sansome will crack wise about Roblox, V-bucks and life in general

• Andrew Tate will try to recruit new cam girls from the audience via his webcam from prison

• There will be a special screening of the historical documentary about the Cinnamon Challenge

• iPhone cinematographer Vazco Meridienne-Clothes will show all the new techniques he uses to film shitty camera angles that nobody will ever use in commercials

The ProofrEADJer, October Edition

And Lo And Behold: Racist Appliances!

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of Whatever Date This Is

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Hi all!

Sorry for the email gibberish. I don't know how to remove it! This is Grace from reception, and Mr. Peterman has charged me with reminding everyone that timesheets are due by the end of this week! He says this is very important for each and every one of you to do to keep billing up to speed, and I'm sure all of you can do it! So if you need a job code for doing your timesheet today or tomorrow, just look for it on the following list, and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

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328573: Thinking up a nice, folksy analogy

572599: Arguing feebly how saying "All Lives Manner" isn't racist

238151: Relearning that Soulja Boy dance

992856: Sucking up to Ernie Hudson

611053: Rubbing one out in the supply closet

035125: Cleaning up the supply closet

247255: Making you my bitch

725595: Restructuring polling districts to favor your candidate

383833: Explaining to a novice rapper that "burying the beef" isn't a sexual thing

605112: Sucking the clear gelatin from a can of Vienna sausages through a straw

931753: Googling cheat codes for 2048

The Latest Movie Ideas From Hollywood Based On Names Pulled From A Sunglasses Brochure

Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Universal and Disney Studios have gotten more desperate lately, mining the latest Maui Jim sunglasses brochure for movie property ideas. The following films are being developed as we speak:

"Lighthouse" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sanjay Gupta and Kevin Kline

This mature drama is about a frustrated writer (Gyllenhaal) who meets an older, mysterious gentleman who seems to not have any connections to the close-knit Connecticut town. Nothing ever happens in this movie except for long, lingering establishing shots of the goddamned lighthouse.

"Sugar Beach" starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Martin Short, and Robert Deniro

A confused pool boy (Baruchel) is caught in a bidding war between two rivaling neighbors (Short and Deniro) who happen to also be rival mob bosses. And in case you were wondering, yes, Alice Eve will be in a bikini.

"Backyards" featuring the voices of Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza

DreamWorks does it again in this computer-animated feature with a talking sprinkler (Garofalo), a sarcastic tool shed (Irons), an impulsive weed whacker (Glover) and a sullen wooden deck (Plaza). And look for the "Backyards" kids meals at Burger King!

"Banzai" starring Peter Weller

This expensive prequel to "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension" stars Peter Weller in unconvincing makeup to make himself look like the younger physicist/neurosurgeon/test pilot/rock musician. Special FX by ILM, Digital Domain and the JIm Henson Company.

"Breakwall" starring Mark Wahlberg, Benicio Del Toro, and Stacy Dash

Shit blows up real big with cars and guns and boom and tits. Soundtrack by Papa Roach. Directed by "Flight Of The Phoenix" director John Moore.

"Hot Sands" starring Olivia Wilde, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox and... SOLD!

"Sunset" starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

This making of documentary goes behind the scenes of all 20 "Before Sunrise" films and recaptures every single moment of magic with the cast as it follows Ethan Hawke while he takes a shit and Julie Delpy as she blows her nose into a rag. Narrated by Richard Linklater.

"Kanaha" starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The Blue Man Group, and Tupac Shakur. This mystery project by Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry is weird. Indie weird. So weird that it's blowing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. So weird that the indie bands Phoenix, The National and Imagine Dragons have already devoted their next albums to it. KANAHA!

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "The Suburbans," Starring Jennifer Love Hewitt and Will Ferrell

Hey, remember Will Ferrell in "Old School?" that was hilarious. And Will Ferrell in "Anchorman" and "Wedding Crashers?" Classic. And remember him as Buddy in "Elf?" He was terrific in that. And in "Stranger Than Fiction?" That was pretty interesting, too. And remember Will Ferrell in "Land Of The Lost" and "Semi Pro?" He was not terrible in those. And remember him in "The Campaign?" Oh, you haven't seen that yet? Well, it's about as good as "The Other Guys" and "Kicking and Screaming."

Hey, remember Will Ferrell in 1999's "The Suburbans" with Jennifer Love Hewitt?
No? Well, let's watch it, then.

EADJ Crappinema Presents The Man From Button Willow

Just because a movie is animated- a medium that often requires meticulous frame-by-frame incremental moves- doesn't mean its creators don't take huge short cuts and even rip off other sources to create a subpar product. "The Man From Button Willow" aspires to be a charming, folksy account of the fictional legend of Justin Eagle (who I hadn't heard of) and his adventures as a Senate Investigator in the 1800's. The problem is that the animators overpopulated the scene with too many unnecessary "cute" animals doing a bunch of unnecessary bullshit, ultimately bogging down the story line and making me start cutting myself again.



The following is lifted verbatim from the intro to the film:

"Hi there. I'm Dale Robertson. Some of you may remember me from "Tales of Wells Fargo." Right now I'd like to tell you a little about the picture you're going to see. Shortly after the Civil War, one of the major projects in this country was to join the east to the west with a great railroad- the greatest the world has ever known. There were many problems: the weather, the terrain, the Indians. But one of the biggest problems was a group of men who were known as land grabbers, men who would jump out ahead of the railroad and buy up all the land and attempt to charge the government fantastic prices for it. Such a man was Montgomery Blaine.


"In an effort to put a stop to this, the government sent out Senate Investigators. Such a man was Senator Freeman. And many times these Senate Investigators didn't return. So in order to protect them, the government put together a special team of men whose job was so secretive that even their own families didn't know what they did. And such a man was Justin Eagle, who was known as the Man From Button Willow. And this is his story."











































After the four minutes were up, it moved on to PART TWO with another 20 minutes of shitty cartoon. Motherfucker.





























Was "The Man From Button Willow" the worst animated movie ever? Probably not. Was it bad enough to be going for $1.99 at the cut-out bin at a random supermarket? Totally. Would you ever recommend this cartoon to anyone else? Look, I'm not an asshole, okay?

Overall grade: F