UAG

We Hold These Truths To Be Self Evident, That All Men Are Racist Appliances

BAD CREDIT? NO CREDIT?

Bad credit? No problem!

No credit? Sure, we're here for you!

Good credit with back taxes to pay? We can help!

Running from the law with a $40,000 bounty on your head? That's our specialty!

Responsible for setting low interest rates and curtailing financial regulation that led to the U.S. mortgage crisis, and ultimately to a worldwide financial collapse? Drive a car away today!

Did you lead a squadron of clone troopers to kill everyone in the Jedi Temple, and then assassinate the Separatist leaders on Mustafar? Then, did you meet with your wife Padmé, who begged you to flee with her, but you refused, saying that the two of you can overthrow Palpatine and rule the galaxy? And when Obi-Wan emerged from Padmé's ship, you accused her of conspiring against you and use the Force to choke her into unconsciousness? Then did you battle Obi-Wan in a lightsaber duel, which ended when Obi-Wan severed your remaining organic limbs? Then did you slide too close to a lava flow and burst into flame? Then, with bitter regret, did Obi-Wan leaves you to die, taking your lightsaber? Consider yourself approved!

See, we at Hudson Mazda don't care about your misdeeds, your mistakes, your demons or whatever the fuck you hillbillies do in your spare time. We just want you to drive away happy in a brand new Mazda CX-5, starting at $21, 795!

No proof of ID? No worries!

No driver's license? We trust you!

Does a background check show that you sexually molested the entire cast of Broadway's "Mamma Mia" and then tried to cover it up by getting plastic surgery in Belize? Who are we to judge?

Stop by Hudson Mazda– just off I-83 near the Kiplinger Mall– to check out our new 2016 models and drive away a WINNER!

Even More Dialogue From Movies I Haven't Seen

Read the previous entries of this segment here.

Gael Garcia Bernal: (something intelligible in his accent)

Kate Hudson: I don't understand, but I love you too, I guess! (shrugs)

Barbie (on lead vocals):

Some of those that work forces,

are the same that burn crosses

Some of those that work forces,

are the same that burn crosses

Some of those that work forces,

are the same that burn crosses

Some of those that work forces,

are the same that burn crosses

Huh! Killing in the name of

Killing in the name of

Vinnie Jones: I'm Juggernaut, bitch!

Rudy: I ain't been droppin' no eaves, Mister Frodo! Honest!

Danny Glover: I'm getting too old for this shit.

Rosamund Pike: Who's there? Is that you, Ben? Is the mail here?

Bad Guy 1: You don't scare me. You're not even a patriot anymore.

Aaron Eckhart: No, no, no. I'm an EXPATRIATE, not an ex-patriot. Jesus.

Bad Guy 2: Why do you hate this country?

Aaron Eckhart: (sighs) Do either of you have a pen? Lemme show you the difference. Idiots.

Mark Strong: Listen, mate. if you're going to point a gun at me, you damn better be willing...

(James McAvoy shoots him)

Mark Strong: What the FUCK, mate?!

Lena Headey: Would you like to buy me a drink?

Patrick Wilson: Sure. Would you like to share some sriracha shrimp or pot stickers?

Lena Headey: Hmm. Sounds a bit rich. Do they have chips and spinach dip?

Patrick Wilson: It doesn't say here. They do have green bean crispers, though.

Lena Headey: No, those are fried. We could share a green goddess wedge.

Patrick Wilson: Sure, but only if they hold the bacon.

Lena Headey: What was this movie about, again?

Jeff: And now for the big reveal, guys! (opens front door)

Teri: Oh, I love the sconces! And the area rug!

Kevin: These love seats are much nicer than the leather sofa we had.

Teri: And look at the new curtains!

Jeff: You guys wanted a "Cape Cod" feel, right?

Kevin: Yes. It's a pretty good job. I'm not so sure about that dark crown moulding, though...

Jeff: DIE, YOU FUCKERS! (hammers them to death)

Don't Walk In Front Of Me, For I May Not Follow, and Don't Walk Behind Me, For I May Not Lead, But Walk Beside Me and Be My Pathmark.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Truth!

UAG

A New Segment Where We Shit On Children's Books

Shitting on children's books- does that make you feel like a big blog? I bet it does. Ooh, look at the big mean blog, shitting on books that are trying to instruct young minds.

Nice going to the potty. Now you just put your pants on backwards, genius.

Sir Topham Hat might have the market cornered on talking train slave labor, but he apparently doesn't  know there's a December 31.

Where is Tico? Try behind the barn, buried under the pig trough.

FUCK YOU SUE BENTLEY

Pressuring an infant to "use their words" is some hardcore Tiger Mothering. And who stole Governor Chris Christie's golf pants?

The Health Department soon shut down the whole operation when they saw A FUCKING RAT handling the food.

After playing construction, Joshua is going to go to his play house to beat his play wife for burning the play dinner.

Path: Mark As Bear: Thunder

That's all I got right now. Sorry.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness, Week of August 20

Just in case you had never heard the first 6000 times he's mentioned it: 50 Cent once got shot. I think my mother knows this already. 

Hey, look. The ultimate YES album cover/sports car dorm poster.

And the award for Most Literal Album Cover goes to...

I honestly don't know where to begin here. I just didn't realize guys still shaved stripes into their eyebrows. I thought that went the way of Vanilla Ice in "Cool As Ice."

Here's the thing- if you don't call ahead and tell the front desk you want an EARLY CHECK-IN, you're going to be left waiting in the lobby like a plebe.

FKA twigs decided to really go for that booger at the next stop light.

"Hello? Do you know how to use Photoshop? No? Okay."

I can't tell if this is supposed to be that "James Bond" tunnel or if these two assholes are stuck in a clothesdryer.

I'm not a guns expert, but "all I know" is that a semiautomatic weapon doesn't need a scope on it.

The "KISS" font. The literal interpretation of a Jimi Hendrix lyric. I like it!

Jesus rolled dice for your sins?

N⚭.