Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How To Tell Apart The Different Gangs In Massachusetts

If there's one thing Massachusetts is known for, it's the roving, lawless gang activity. Here is a helpful guide for you to navigate the different violent MA turfs:

1) Greater Boston
gang color:  blue
These inner city thugs will shoot at you from a *pahked cah.*

2) North of Boston
gang color: yellow
Ways they will fuck you up: report you to their homeowner's association

3) Saints of Greater Merrimack Valley
gang color: spring yellow
Main hustle: scalping Red Sox tickets, printing rummage sale flyers

4) Bristol County "The BC"
gang color: forest green
Fave drank: pumpkin spice lattes

5) Plymouth County Brotherhood
gang color: Caucasian green
Gang sign: signal for "we're ready for our check, waiter"

6) Cape Cod Crips
gang color: Pantone 629 (Coated)
Illegal activities: saving a table at a buffet when the sign clearly states to get food first

7) Martha's Muthafuckin Vineyard
gang color: aqua
Weapon of choice: wine corkscrew rabbit

8) Nantucket Islanders
gang color: navy blue
Fun fact: Nantucket is a town, a county, and an island. YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT.

9) "The MW Rough Riders" - MetroWest
gang color: lavender
Most frequent crime: sneaking a free refill at Blimpies

10) Johnny Appleseed's Apostles
gang color: light pink
Gang initiation rite: plant a series of apples along a country road; kill a guy

11) "Centurions" from Central Mass
gang color: barney purple
Favorite hang out: any brick oven pizza place in the area

12) Kings of Greater Springfield
gang color: puce
Popular firearm: Wellspring Grocery pricing gun

13) Hampshire County Bastards
gang color: khaki
Main hustle: getting you to validate their parking even if they didn't buy anything from your store

14) Franklin County Homeboys
gang color: a mix of lavender, puce, barney purple and pink
Number of members: same enrollment number as the Kiwanis Club

15) Berky-Berk Berkshires
gang color: coppertone
Common criminal activity: using expired Groupons

16) Mohawk Trail Mohawks (not to be confused with the Mohawk Native Americans, because that would be racist)
gang color: perforated line
Last known location: wilderness check cashing joint in Clarksburg

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