More Previews Info Wars Conspiracies Before They're Fully Half-Baked

Alex Jones and Info Wars are just like the Cheesecake Factory, except for grotesquely huge portions of subpar food, they are cooking up batshit conspiracies that would make Art Bell roll his eyes. But even these theories take time to create. Here are some of the lies they're working on for upcoming shows:

• The word "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" in the 1964 film "Mary Poppins" when translated from the Latin, actually means "the white race was born to colonize and conquer mud races."

• Colombians have already created a working teleportation machine, but they only use it to cause bags of cocaine to appear in Alex Jones's dressing room.

• Men's rights groups have been falsely accused of being a bunch of bitter, misogynistic assholes, when in reality they are sensitive, brokenhearted idealists whose dreams have been shattered by fucking bitches and whores murder them all.

• Ping pong is turning generations of youth into limp-wristed, indoors-loving Asian wannabes.

• I hate you.

• LCD screens have secret signals embedded in their screens that brainwash you into liking crap like "Bones" or "Storage Wars."

• Beans, beans are actually not good for the heart. But the more you eat, the more you do fart.

• The Broadway show "Hamilton" is a leftist plot to indoctrinate young people into enjoying negro "rap" music while teaching them about American history. EDUCATION IS A PLOT AGAINST MINDS AND IS THE ENEMY!!!!!!!!!1

Rhymes With "Bassist Bappliances"

Racist appliances, 2018!

How QuiBids Works

Hey, want to get into the exciting world of huge discounts and unbelievably chipper spokesmodels? Then join QuiBids today! QuiBids is the latest, most incredible way to get smartphones, tablets and high-def TVs at deep, deep discounts. Here's how it works:

1) Sign up as a member and give us your credit card number

2) Click "yes" to pay a monthly $68 membership fee

3) Go online and bid for an iPad for $28.32

4) Get outbid and re-bid for $300

5) Still get outbid and give up

6) Get persistent emails telling you to bid again even though you've given up

7) Try bidding again and don't hold your breath

8) Realize you're paying $68 to get outbid when you could do that for free on eBay

9) Go on eBay

10) Bid on an iPad for $28.32

11) Get laughed at all the way back onto QuiBids

12) Realize you're hungry and go make a cheese sandwich

13) Find out you're low on bread, so you make a cheese sandwich with one piece of bread and a cinnamon bun

13.5)  The snitch is a ball attached to the waistband of the snitch runner, a neutral athlete in a yellow uniform who uses any means to avoid capture. The snitch is worth 30 points and its capture ends the game. (Sorry, that was how Quidditch works)

14) Check your QuiBids Rewards Points balance: 0 pts

15) Try bidding on an iPad again for $31.55

16) Scratch your balls (men only)

17) Forget your QuiBids password; ask to have it reset

18) Get your new password, which is the same as your old password. Whatever

19) Log back onto QuiBids

20) Wonder where your $816 went in one year's membership

Imagine Me and You, I Do, I Think About You Day and Night, It's Only Right, To Think About The Girl You Love, and Hold Her Tight, So Racist Appliances

Let's Scuff Our New Dance Shoes All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall, a yearbook quote that will live forever.

Unexpected Effect

Friday's EADJ entry looked a little weird when I happened to read it on my iPhone today:


It turns out my phone thought you could dial all that useless faux binary code.


Who knew!