A Couple of Burning Questions About the Rite Choice Realty Billboard From Yesterday, Answered Today

Yesterday's entry here.

2) That woman is Michelle Gomes, real estate broker and OWNER of the business. Not sure why she seems uncomfortable. Maybe she was busy closing a sale and they photographer was taking too long snapping her photo. Like, GET ON WITH IT, DANIEL.

3) The ad is partially white because according to the realty website, the office makes generous and tasteful use of white in its interior, punctuated by black signs and chairs.

4) Not mafia owned or run. Mrs. Gomes is all above board. I'm sorry I implied it. Please don't come after me.

6) NOT a bad media buy if the realtors got FREE PUBLICITY from this very blog. They got TWO ENTRIES from us, FOR FREE!'

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

More unsolicited mixtape cover commentary:

This looks like a very expensive limited edition vinyl figurine that you never take out of the box.

This looks like an art project at a halfway house.

Somehow they managed to make Bratz Dolls even sluttier.

This looks like either an unreasonable deadline or minimum effort.

At 50, you'd think I'd be too old to make a Lady Dimitrescu reference. And you'd be right.

That mural at the Canadian Western bar is coming along.

This looks like a very expensive limited edition Playskool Playmobil set that you never take out of the box.

   

I've programmed my audio player to skip a track made by anyone named "Lil".

"My cousin's pretty good at Photoshop, Nicki. It'll look great."

I can't tell if this is a thoughtful study of greed and mortality or just an airbrushed mural on the side of a carnival ride.

I love this. Probably because I lived in Chicago during their Jordan/Pippen/Rodman dynastic period.

It's Time To Say Goodbye To The Shit Marketers Want You To Say Goodbye To, Part ∞

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Global Pandemic Edition

These are the least used hashtags used on Twitter these days. So go ahead and use them at your discretion:

#togetherness

#freekissingbooth

#officeopenfloorplan

#latexglovehandjive

#latexglovehandjob

#americacanbeatthiswithprayer

#sushichefswithamildcoughit'snothing

#handsacrossAmericaforthecure

#cripplingdepressionoverthiswholethingactuallyfeelsprettygood

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 1

We're not sure why you're on Twitter- it's kind of dumb. But since you are, you may use the following unused hashtags in any of your misguided political rants/promotions/rumor-mongering:

#Idliketostabthepuzzle

#Whitneyshowreunion

#allthreeboobsarereal

#grrrrrrrrrrrpancakes

#ginghamlatexbodysuit

#SammySosaeatingSamosas

#americanpoliticaldiscourse

#CheesecakeFactorychildlabor

#losinglotterytickettapeparade

#franticallyhidingdingleberries

#unenthusiasticBernieSanderssupporter

#mashingmygenitalsagainstsaladbarsneezeguards

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of May 4

For your reference, here are the top- er, bottom Twitter hashtags that no one is using. Want to use these on your own tweets? Knock yourself out:

.

#McRibbones

#jiffylubecoffee

#aladdertomypubes

#notwithoutmydaughter2

#pinchingthehulk'snipples

#featuringPitbullT-PainandSia

#madeleinealbrightcunnilingus

#askmeificareiactuallydowhyisthatsurprising

#dudei'msobakedican'tevenrememberthatpothasbeenlegalizedalready

6 Lies Told By The Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party Pamphlet

1) "Your birthday boy or girl can choose between a 'Superhero' or a 'Princess' theme package." There is actually a third, less popular option: "College Grad Moving Back Home."

2) If you choose the Batman superhero theme, Chuck E. Cheese will gladly murder your parents in the nearby alley.

3) Goody Bags are sometimes Averagey Bags, based on market

4) LOL

5) Punching out your birthday candles is not as effective as blowing them out but is doubly hilarious.

6) For an extra $50 off the books, most of the male managers will show fathers their tits.

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EADJ is proud to announce the grand opening of 6 Lies Youth Centers all around the metropolitan area!

These "6LYC" centers are designed to provide a 24-hour relaxed, authority-free space for kids to smoke, to talk, and to smoke. Please keep in mind, there is no security guard on the premises after 2am, so if you want to show up and start some shit, you'll want to do it around 2:30am.

Introducing EADJ Premium!

After 8 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel is proud to announce EADJ Premium, a pay-for-content subscription service that gives you more of what you don't want at prices beyond your means!

Upgrade to EADJ Premium now, and for only $24.99 a month, you'll receive exclusive digital-only content like Racist Appliances That Weren't Really That Racist and Tianna: Where Is She Now? And upgrade even more to our EADJ Platinum Premium for an exclusive video tour of every single toilet we shat in for our "Which Can, Erickson?" segments.

Only EADJ Premium gives you exclusive, on demand, close captioned content that streams directly to your smart device from the cloud. Did that sentence make any sense? Fuck you.

So start your subscription to EADJ Premium today, and we'll throw in a permanent contributor status to our sister blog, High Maintenance Imaginary Girlfriend, which was last updated July 2009!

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Smecial Dreams Mini-Entry: Two Men, Two Different Dreams

“He who robs us of our dreams robs us of our life.” 

― Virginia Woolf, Orlando

This entry was brought to you by the NBA Classic Channel: All retired basketball. All the time.

A Tempting Scenario At The Supermarket

There, in the produce department. About crotch-height, a scale.

It's about 10:30pm, and hardly anybody else is in the supermarket. No security cameras in sight.

What to do… what to do...

Oh. Also the burning question, how many grams is my dick?