Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Always. Even if it's vaguely racist.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "Texas Rangers," Starring James Van Der Beek, Dylan McDermott, Usher, Ashton Kutcher, and K-Mart $5.00

A pussy from a 90's show. A hunkier pussy from "The Practice." An R&B crooner who probably still rakes in the pussy. And someone who used to tag some seriously older pussy but who is now hitting some amazingly hot and young and apparently very cool pussy. And Rachel Leigh Cook, who was in  "Josie and the Pussycats."

All wearing cowboy hats and bandoliers like they're taking family photos at Kings Dominion. For two hours.

Coming soon, Jack.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)

From A Recent Issue of "The Maplewood Leaflet"

Page 5 of The Maplewood Leaflet featured an article on how to control mold in your home.

Tips included ventilating bathrooms, installing sump pumps, and replacing dry wall that has been exposed to flooding.

Interestingly enough, in the same issue on page 10, there is a section on how to control Bob Mould in your home.


Now, controlling the songwriter and former guitarist/singer for Hüsker Dü and Sugar in your home is a little more complex than you might think. First of all, many young home owners haven't heard the double album "Zen Arcade" or even "Candy Apple Grey," so identifying the very presence of Bob Mould in your home can be a challenge. So here are ways to detect Bob Mould in your home:

• Your linoleum floors are marked with clean production, good pacing and collaboration with Grant Hart
• The distinct odor of not breaking out of alt-rock into mainstream music
• Odd sounds behind drywall, like the announcement of North American tour dates
• NME keeps dropping by to declare your foyer "Album Of The Year"
• Bleak down-and-out lyrical imagery like "He's hardly getting over it/Hardly getting used to getting by" has been upsetting your pets

Hopefully by identifying Bob Mould in your home, you can act quickly to save your home from mistakenly leaving SST for Warner Brothers Records and keep it from being too exposed to the pre-"120 Minutes" 1980's American indie scene.

Super Bowl!

I'll admit it: I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I was too busy farting around the house doing something else or other. But I did want to recap this year's Super Bowl commercials, even though I hadn't seen those either. So here are the top ads that probably ran this year:

• Charles Schwab's "Deer Tick" commercial featured the indie band Deer Tick standing on the scalp of Drew Carey.

• Netflix ran a memorable commercial with two donkeys browsing suggested movie titles for them to watch on their donkey DVD player at their donkey house.

• The disease Cancer ran four commercials bragging about how it's all over the place.

• DHL had a commercial about "Da Vinci Code" author Dan Brown getting an enema from the Fat Boys.

• Jerry Springer appeared in a sensible ad for Baby Einstein® Mealtime serving dishes.

• GoDaddy.com ran a :60 second commercial featuring Danica Patrick's vagina.

• Bud Light continued its hallowed Super Bowl tradition of extremely expensive, unfunny bullshit.

• Lipton Tea ran a very obvious commercial about "Teabaggers" and the "Tea Party" with a big ol' fake march in Washington promoting its tea. Clever.

• Bob Dylan's likeness was illegally used to promote tourism in Little Rock, Arkansas.


**UPDATE: I just watched all of the Super Bowl ads in 15 minutes on YouTube. I was right!!

Heh Meh Duh Feh Cah Seveh Tuh Meh

(pictured above, Bob Dylan is none too happy about being Photoshopped with Coney Island's Parachute Jump)