Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2015 Edition

I'm thinking I should do these segments once a year, because even though it's rare that I come across an uncatalogued roll of generic toilet paper, it does happen from time to time. Here are the latest butt offerings:


Brand: EcoSoft

Brand Imagery: Use of the words "Eco" and "Soft" 

Brand Promise: The best of both worlds: be eco-friendly but still not chafe your bunghole!

Feels Like: Someone dragging a rake through your compost pile


Brand: Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue

Brand Imagery: Another use of the word "Soft." Friendly, approachable fonts

Brand Promise: Wiping will feel like your ass died and entered the Pearly Gates

Feels Like: Your ass died and went to Purgatory for abusing its wife


Brand: Pro Link

Brand Imagery: Comforting image of a metal chain

Brand Promise: "Drop anchor and we'll take care of whatever you pinch off."

Feels Like: This


Editor's note: This is my favorite.)

Brand: First Mark

Brand Imagery: A generous smear across a white wall

Brand Promise: LET US BE THE FIRST TO RECEIVE YOUR BUTT MARK

Feels Like: Validation



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