I'm thinking I should do these segments once a year, because even though it's rare that I come across an uncatalogued roll of generic toilet paper, it does happen from time to time. Here are the latest butt offerings:
Brand Imagery: Use of the words "Eco" and "Soft"
Brand Promise: The best of both worlds: be eco-friendly but still not chafe your bunghole!
Feels Like: Someone dragging a rake through your compost pile
Brand: Heavenly Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: Another use of the word "Soft." Friendly, approachable fonts
Brand Promise: Wiping will feel like your ass died and entered the Pearly Gates
Feels Like: Your ass died and went to Purgatory for abusing its wife
Brand: Pro Link
Brand Imagery: Comforting image of a metal chain
Brand Promise: "Drop anchor and we'll take care of whatever you pinch off."
Feels Like: This
Editor's note: This is my favorite.)
Brand: First Mark
Brand Imagery: A generous smear across a white wall
Brand Promise: LET US BE THE FIRST TO RECEIVE YOUR BUTT MARK
Feels Like: Validation