Here Are Your Job Numbers For This Week

Hi all-

Karlsen from IT here. Those of you who do not subscribe to my monthly Snorks fan fiction podcast may not be familiar with my sense of humor, so please bear with my wacky sensibilities as I make the following company-wide announcement:

ATTENTION ALL EARTHLINGS: YOUR TIMESHEETS ARE DUE BY END OF DAY TODAY. THAT'S RIGHT, TODAY. FAILURE TO DO SO IN A TIMELY MANNER WILL RESULT IN DISINTEGRATION. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED, HUMAN WEAKLINGS!!!!

j/k, guys. Here are the job numbers:

582597: Translating the lyrics for Starship's "Sara" into Spanish

732201: Hiding your ATM PIN number from the prostitute that's with you

124187: Hiding your raging hard-on during an audit

663215: Ordering from QVC just to talk to another human being

922593: Whipping out your Qdoba loyalty card at a Chipotle

222750: Hoping your friends don't notice you stole a bunch of Opie and Anthony jokes

524597: Spelling Matthew McConaughey's name without having to Google it

820005: Bullying Best Buy's Geek Squad

886363: Communicating with your better self in a parallel universe

392581: Successfully resuscitating Resusci-Anne doll

272203: Stopping your cable news interview to vomit into a bucket

634524: Using chip clips to clamp your belly fat for laffs

711129: Swatting at imaginary bees that are actually not imaginary at all

Let's Smear Day-Old Guacamole All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

(Photo is unrelated)

 

This from Matt S:


I am in the middle of a drawn out battle with a furniture retailer in NJ, and have been given the runaround and been lied to while my son sleeps on the floor because they can't deliver furniture, their only job requirement.

In addition to contacting the BBB and (no one knows this, Fox 5 and Channel 7) I've just made a tumblr blog about this.

http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

Can you push this to your readers? I'd love for it to start making traction!

----------------


Thanks, Matt.

We feel for your son because of this travesty of customer disservice, but as a blog that mainly covers terrible movies and dick jokes, I gotta say this might not be the right forum for this issue to air.

Still, in our 6 year history, we have never turned a blind eye to an infant's troubles. Okay, maybe that once. But still, we're with you, Matt, and we'll share that link with both of our blog readers.


http://cribcitymakeskidssleeponthefloor.tumblr.com/

 

Matt, hope this makes up for that time we pantsed you at Busch Gardens that summer.

Dollar Bill Slot Was Upset.

 

Dollar Bill Slot was upset.

 

Bathroom Sink was surprised to hear it.

And so was Bathroom Sink's brother, Kevin.

 

Parking Lot Light was pretty angry, too.

 

IKEA Wall and White Van were an angry blue pig together.

 

Messenger Bag said nothing and kept eating.

 

Stairway Railing also shut his mouth.

 

Smoke and Carbon Monoxide Alarm, however, was very curious what everyone was so upset about.

 

Saturn Car didn't want to talk about it.

 

Train Bathroom Latch was told to shut up about it.

 

And even though Library Clock kept talking, everyone thought he was just crazy.

 

Children's Hanger tried to look on the bright side of things.

 

While Coat Sleeve insisted there was no bright side.

 

Child Seat Buckle laughed it off.

 

Emergency Light did the sturgeon face.

 

Expensive Dessert stared into space.

 

And meanwhile, Furniture Store Spool wondered about his bloody stools.

 

Wine Rack waited for everyone to shut up.

 

Ash Tray took a smoke break and waited, as well.

 

Suitcase sat there looking like an idiot.

 

(submitted by Tom Weingard)

While Backpack laughed and sat with her legs open like a slut.