A Very Philosophical Voicemail I Got The Other Day

Do you exist, Vanessa?

If Vanessa does exist, she gave this guy the wrong number. And probably for good reason. Not a lot of good guys in Mamaroneck, NY.

A Deli's Infuriating Lack Of A Line

You walk into a South Orange deli and you see this scattershot bullshit of people kind of in line and others standing near where the line is, but you have no idea who has ordered already. How can you tell? 

Today we break down what everyone in this deli was up to:

1) Couple was CLEARLY ORDERING. We know that. Good.

2) Guy was standing off to the side, NOT behind the couple, so he's probably ordered already or is a DoorDasher waiting for a takeout order.

3) Top knot lady is sort of in line but not directly behind the others. So of all these people, she's the one that you really can't tell whether she's ordered or knot.

4) Guy just facing the area from afar has probably NOT ordered yet but hasn't taken the initiative to get in a REAL FUCKING LINE.

So frustrating trying to read this amorphous crowd. How do you New Yorkers in bodegas do it?

A Question For A Gift Card Company

Recently, I came upon some gift cards that were titled according to how they were bundled (which is a pretty good idea):

Now, I understand Game & Grub, and Pack & Go, but for the life of me I can't wrap my head around Food  & Laughs. Where are the laughs? Am I supposed to laugh at the absurdly thick Cheesecake Factory menus or laugh at the limited selections of BJ's Brewhouse Restaurant? What's funny about Red Robin or Red Lobster? Is there something at Cracker Barrel besides the godawful home decorations for sale or the backwards hillbilly clientele... oh I see. Never mind.

Whatsoever You Do To The Least of My Pathmark...