A Late Entry Into "Did They Christmas Bang?"

On Monday, we played a game of "Did They Christmas Bang?", where we guess if the couples featured on Hallmark Christmas movie posters actually did the dirty deed or not, purely based on their body language and expressions. Here is an entry that I forgot to include:

Yes.

Judging by her expression, she's glad it happened and can't wait to tell her friends. But by his expression, he feels like he's out of her league for some reason and wouldn't deign to sleep with someone so basic.

But he did.

So suck it up, douche. You bumped Vermont uglies (and possibly big Vermont foreheads) with her.

"Whoa!"

I somehow came across this Hallmark movie: Socked In For Christmas, starring Joey Lawrence:

What the hell is "socked in"? Is that a stocking pun? Is it something I should look up in Urban Dictionary (answer: NO)? I had to look it up:

Oh, okay. I also found out the producers of the movie gave it an alternate title for slow people unfamiliar with WWII lingo like me:

Snow-In makes a little more sense, although it still sounds like a telethon. IMDb says it stars and was written by someone named Melina Alves. I don't know who that is, so I googled it, and THIS came up:

WHOA! INDEED

Say Goodbye To More Bullshit That Advertisers Need You To Say Goodbye To!

 

Goodbye! Goodbye! 👋 Goodbye! Goodbye!

5 Surprises From The Hallmark Channel 'Fall-In-Love' Movie "Pumpkin Everything"

1) The fat guy with the beard wearing red was NOT Santa Claus in disguise

2) The male lead had an pumpkin-orange dong

3) The phrase "Pumpkin Everything" was a euphemism for sexual intercourse with every orifice

4) Everybody dies in the end, like in Hamlet

5) It's hard to tell but almost every actor in this production was actually a Target mannequin wearing a sweater

Slow Down, Lacey Chabert

I happened to Google "Lacey Chabert" and "Christmas" to see how many Hallmark Christmas movies she's in, and holy shit, I had no idea she was in at least TWELVE.

Jesus, Lacey, slow your roll. Leave some of the Christmas movies for other...

... What the hell? There's more?! How can you...

...OKAY, OKAY! You win, Lacey Chabert! You're the new Queen of Christmas. JEEZ.

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 25: "Christmas Around The Corner"

Some Hallmark movies are less movies than they are fantasy checklists. This one fulfilled the fantasies of:

☑ spending Christmas in a small town

☑ dating a rugged, emotionally distant man

☑ running a small business without the financial pressure of failing

☑ getting to decorate shit without having to take it down later

☑ being associated with books without having to read

☑ bossing people around

☑ being hailed as some goddamn hero for saving Christmas

And there are two country/city stereotypes at play here: the snobby, rude urbanite who's out of touch with people's feelings and likes to boss them around; and the pleasant but slow-witted small town bumpkins who need a savior to whip their shit into shape. And somehow they all magically become friends and toast egg nog to each other's health.

The last two movies we reviewed were pretty darn enjoyable, and I was starting to get worried that I'd end on a high note. But "Christmas Around The Corner" brought the overall average back down to reindeer turd-level. Whew!

Romance Factor: 3 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 5.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26

Merry Christmas, everyone!

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 24: "No Sleep 'Til Christmas"

This was not a bad movie at all. As made-for-TV rom coms go, "No Sleep 'Til Christmas" was quite enjoyable and even made me laugh a few times. But where it DID fail was incorporating Christmas into the story. There was one scene with a Santa, and I think her original wedding was set for Christmas Day? Whatever. It would've been fine without it, and Christmas would be just fine without this entry, too.

Romance Factor: 9 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 0 out of 10

Overall Rating: 4.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:24:26