The New InfoWars Conspiracy Stories of 2022

As the year draws to a close, the writers at InfoWars have already started laying the groundwork for next year's misinformation campaigns. Here now are conspiracy theories you can expect to see in coming weeks:

• A face mask shortage will force everyone to steal bras and cause lingerie prices to skyrocket

• Harvey Weinstein will make a comeback with a full head of hair and a script for every broad who wants one

• Mulder and Scully are in love despite their constant bickering at work

• Silly string is made from processed unicorn diarrhea

• Party City stores secretly act as embassies to the Nation of Islam

• If you ever force yourself to stop peeing midstream, you can astrally project

• Barack Obama was actually the "Lil Penny" Hardaway puppet from the Nike commercials in the 90s.

Task Chair Is Amused

BAHAHAHAHAAHA! TASK CHAIR IS DYING HERE. YOU HAD EVERY CHANCE TO BUY TASK CHAIR TO GET TASKS DONE, BUT THEN LOOK WHAT YOU PUT OUT ON THE CURB THIS MORNING:

 

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! WHAT KIND OF WEAK-ASS, NON-ERGONOMIC MEN IN BLACK ROUND BULLSHIT DID YOU JUST PUT IN YOUR HOME OFFICE? THAT SHIT WILL NEVER BE HIGH ENOUGH FOR YOU TO SIT IN A COMFORTABLE POSITION TO WORK. OH, YOU CAN TRY ADJUSTING ITS HEIGHT WITH THAT WEAK ASS LEVER, BUT TRUST TASK CHAIR, YOU'LL BE REACHING UP FOR YOUR LAPTOP LIKE RALPHIE TRYING TO CRAWL BACK TO SANTA ON THAT DEPARTMENT STORE SLIDE. WHICH IF YOU ASK TASK CHAIR LOOKED LIKE A LOT OF FUN BUT I'VE NEVER REALLY SEEN AT ANY SHOPPING MALLS. I GUESS IT WAS JUST FOR THE MOVIE OR WAS AN OLD SANTA CLAUS PRACTICE THAT DIED OUT DURING THAT ERA FOR INSURANCE LIABILITY REASONS. BUT TASK CHAIR DIGRESSES!

OH, POOR NON-TASK CHAIR OWNER. YOU'D BE BETTER OFF SITTING ON THAT CARDBOARD BOX HHAAHHAHAHAH ENJOY YOUR CARPAL TUNNEL AND ACHING LUMBAR. SUCK TASK CHAIR'S DICK!

Yet More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Say your prayers, punk— I'm a priest, you see, so I'm supposed to urge you to pray more. But this time I mean it threateningly."

"Oh no! We're not done fighting zombies sexily— LET'S WIN THE GO!!!!"

"I love you Paige. Oh shit– I'm MARRIED already! D'oh!"

"Hi. This movie is actually a seminar for cryptocurrency. Gotcha!"

"Isiah Bin Laden? Finally a movie where Murda Pain isn't the dumbest name."

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the limping Beagle

Me: the other limping Beagle

Hey man. I noticed we were both limping. Was yours because of a snapping turtle? Look me up, bro

You: the Chug (Chihuahua + Pug)

Me: Whoodle (Poodle + Wheaten Terrier)

Hey. I noticed that you too are a freak of nature, made solely for the amusement of our sadistic owners. Let's plan a jailbreak next weekend, yeah?

You: the howling Mexican Hairless

Me: the austere Borzoi

Lord, I am so sick of my owner asking me who's a good boy. Like I fucking know. Maybe you know? I'd love to sit down with you over a bowl of water and pick your brain. Call me!

UAG

Merry Christmas From EADJ

Happy Holidays! Eat a Dick Joel would like to wish you, your family, and your side piece a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa. It's time to stop worrying about what your co-worker said about your job performance or about what that guy on the highway said about your driving or about what the lady at the grocery store meant about you being a "pervert" and just enjoy this special time with your loved ones. Jeez, some people.

Meanwhile, at the Gaslight Restaurant...

"Good evening, folks. I'm Gerald, and I'll be your server tonight. Will that be all?"

"Haha. What?"

"Will be there anything else? Or are you ready for the check now?"

"Uh, we haven't ordered yet..."

"Great! (tears bill off of pad) I'll just get that when you're ready. You guys have a good night, okay?"

(reads bill) "$400 for champagne? And it's not even the good stuff."

More Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

 

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Strawberries are related to currants but avoid them ever since the last election.

• Organic bananas are known to stay fresh for up to 10 steps after leaving the store.

• In Chad, strawberries are given as a wedding present. I dunno. I just made that up.

• Bananas still love you, but strawberries think you've changed since high school.

• Both strawberries and Michael Stipe have regrets about the song "Shiny Happy People"

• Director James Cameron would one day like to collaborate with bananas for an epic 3D movie.

A Short History of Office Floor Plans

1) Everyone gets offices.

2) Some people get offices. Lesser workers get cubicles in the middle.

3. OPEN FLOOR PLAN. Everyone in cubicles. Only rooms are conference rooms.

4. Open floor plan with stupid pods for when people need to concentrate. Ping pong table to distract from the fact that it's all a waking hellscape now.

5. ALL REMOTE WORKING. Yaaaaay! 🖕

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max renews or cancels titles based on their algorithm. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• A Serbian Film : The Animated Series

• Bruce Willis is Phoning It In

• Gargling Justice

• Fox News Fact Checkers

• Literal House Flippers

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Game Show: Can You Pass This Through Your Body?

• The Emo Bachelor

• Behind The Scenes of a Rural OTB

• Undercover Chinese Factory Boss

• Roseanne Reboot (starring Roseanne)

Spotted on Facebook Messenger (Where My Uncle Mainly Posts For Some Reason)

Not sure if my uncle's account has been hacked or if he is voluntarily posting horrible whacko bullshit.

What Counts As Classy In New Jersey

Pictured above: smoking with the windows rolled down even if it's 20º outside because you borrowed your friend's car and don't want it to smell like your cigs.

 

Another Sign That I'm Old

 I saw the lineup for something called the "Gem & Jam Festival":

I didn't recognize ONE SINGLE ACT. Seriously, they read like fake bands on a Simpsons Lollapalooza episode.

More Memorable Dialogue From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Are you lost, Dr. Strange? This is a coming of age movie."

"Mmphhhhmmmphhhh."

"This High School Musical Reunion sure is wild, right Gabriella?"

"Boop bop boop beep boop boop. Indie films!"

"Well, gee, the wedding vows Keith wrote were weird, looking back..."

"There's a penalty for early withdrawal. I'm closing your account." *kills them*

 

This Week's Newest Kickstarter Campaigns!

Kickstarter thinks you should support small business. And one way you can do that is by helping fund some businesses that are trying to get off the ground. Here are the latest crowdfunding hopefuls:

• a hardcore punk band that unironically sings corporate anthems (available for corporate team building events)

• used diaper bin/house plant fertilizer/house pet recycler

• backup fire extinguisher (fire extinguisher companies HATE this)

• salmon Oreos

• innovative printer that requires no toner but still costs $15/page

• CrossFit booties for your gerbils so you can take them with you on Iron Man competitions

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Spotted on Facebook

Reason #3,987,557,313,044 why women live longer than men.

Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

Strawberry Banana Cheerios are delicious. And on the back of every box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios, you can read some fun facts about both strawberries and bananas, like "Strawberries and roses are in the same botanical family" or "Technically bananas are berries, but strawberries are not." Fun!

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Bananas will never intentionally hurt you.

• The Inuit word for strawberry is sitilluqaaq, which translates loosely to "Why are you even here?"

• Rachel says she likes bananas and strawberries, but only because Josh said he likes them first, and she's totally crushing on him. We should tell Tracy.

• If you ever get shot by a banana traveling at the speed of a bullet, I call dibs on your Playstation 5.

• The words "straw" and "berry" have individually been copyrighted by Kanye West

• 2 weeks. I promise.

• Banana easy and good. Strawberry okay but need to remove green part.

• Banana and Strawberry have lived together for decades without getting married, like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn

InfoWar Conspiracy Stories: CORRECTIONS

We're going to do something a little different this time. Alex Jones and his harmful band of writers have floated plenty of conspiracy theories over the years. Here now are some past stories they ran and what was discovered after the fact checkers scrutinized them:

• Mandals were not created by Italian leather manufacturers to de-masculinize American men. We talked to two of them and they just laughed at us.

• The pizza place whose basement was supposed to be the headquarters of a child sex ring run by Hillary Clinton was in fact a TACO place.

• That sign on the break room vending machine that says "OUT OF ORDER" wasn't, in fact, lying.

• The Philadelphia-based snack company Tastykake Baking Company is NOT run by a bunch of cricket people hell bent on destroying the country by making everyone lazy and content with their irresistible Butterscotch Krimpets.

 • A$AP Rocky, A$AP Ferg, A$AP Nast and A$AP Josh were already named that before meeting each other. It was all a giant coincidence.

• Alex Jones's farts do NOT smell like chalk. That white residue is there, but it does not have an odor.

UAG

The EADJ Debut of The MAGA, Head Up His Ass, Right Wing Version of Scott Peterson

Found on Facebook through a friend of a friend (that's my laugh emoji, btw):

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

This Week's Newest Crowdfunding Opportunities

Since 2009, Kickstarter has helped almost dozens of companies successfully launch their products through crowdfunding. Here are this week's offerings that you can throw your money at:

• A pair of cute rabbit ears you put on your cat to piss them off more than anything

• The Benito Mussolini weathervane

• "Bath grenades"-  bath bombs that you have to throw over 30 ft or you'll get really hurt

• A portable device that makes a "gloop" sound whenever you walk so it sounds like you're a mud monster

• Whisker sprinkles? I dunno

• A unique beverage formed from fermented *gag* I can't even finish the description it's so gross *gag*

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Change Your Snapchat Username

There are times when you're no longer happy with your current username on a social media platform and would rather use a new one. Snapchat, like lots of other popular messaging apps, offers a way to change your name. However, what you are changing via their method is your Snapchat display name and not the username you set when creating the account. Here's how to change your actual username:

1) Open Snapchat and tap your Bitmoji icon at the top-left corner. 

2) Under “My Account” settings, tap “Name” to change your display name. .

3)All you have to do now is enter a new Snapchat display name and press the green “Save” button.

And speaking of "save", if you're riding in my limo after dinner and you bring some leftover food, PLEASE don't leave it in the car when you leave. You'll never believe how long it takes to get the smell of old Pad Thai out of leather.

Be safe, kids!

DoorDasher Photography Critique #2

Holy shit. Check out this one from "Camilla":

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE DRAMATIC DOORDASHER PHOTO?!

My God, it's like Hitchcock. Who took the photo? Why is the car idling in the middle of the road? What horror of horrors is Camilla about to commit on my doorstep? 

It must be stated that the biggest strength of this photo is the composition. Everything is contained in the doorframe whose shape is echoed in the open door itself. Both frame the action of Camilla ascending the stares, providing thrilling tension with the perspective and repeating lines of the stairs. A mundane delivery is transformed into a nail biting thriller of the highest order. Truly, truly excellent work!

Grade: A+++

Only During A Pandemic

 

Pictured above: they've finally designed a giant blender to chop up any students they detect has Covid.

Don't Mess With The Bull, Young Man. You'll Get The Racist Appliances

And So Concludes UAG Week

Day 4 of UAG Week

Day 3 of UAG Week

Day 2 of UAG Week