A Brief Rant About Spoons

 I went to IKEA the other day to get some extra silverware for the kitchen, and little did I realize that companies were still trying to redesign the shape of spoons.

With just slight tweaks here and there, silverware designers are attempting to overhaul the centuries-old implements we've been using since before agrarianism or even the first episode of "The Simpsons".

Needless to say, all this effort is for naught, because there's always something off about these new designs:

Design Name: TÅNGMÄRLA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's take the reliable shape of the spoon but make it squarer so it surprises the mouth!"

The Result: The spoon clangs around the mouth like a sectional maneuvering inside a tiny foyer.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "If you don't give me some tang, Marla, I'm going to buy you these wildly impractical spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: ÄTBART

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I am inspired by the shape of a carrot. Let's make the tip pointier!"

The Result: Giving a child cough medicine becomes more dangerous with a spear-tip heading for their precious face.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Don't throw these spoons at Bart or you'll stab him in his yellow head."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: FRÖJDA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's make the spoon WIDER with SHARP corners!"

The Result: Everyone but Kermit the Frog will have the corners of their mouth scraped with jagged metal when using these.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Sigmund Freud, a neurologist, suggests your oral fixation made you buy these terrible spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: MOPSIG

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I dunno, a reverse teardrop shape?"

The Result: Although the most usable of these IKEA designs, the design allows for the spoon to hold less chili/Cinnamon Toast Crunch/cole slaw, which overall is a minus.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Grab that mop, Sigmund Freud, and help me clean up this spilled food that fell out of these inadequate spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: LÖFTESRIK

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Round round round! On a stick!"

The Result: Too wide to fit in your mouth comfortably. To delicate at the neck to hold anything of weight. Looks fancy but is impractical. Like an art student project.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "I löft as Rick tried to eat with his overdesigned spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Today We Examine the Package for Red Jr. Table Tennis Balls

Why? Who knows? We need content, okay?

Nobody on the package is holding a ping pong paddle, so I'm pretty sure this is for beer pong. Also the fact that this was located in the chaser soft drink aisle.

Featuring Carmen Sandiego, Dorothy Gale, and a MAGA guy.

Kudos to the writer for creating 4 bullets that just repeat the text to fill out space. PowerPoint expert?

Is that Philadelphia? Flip, flip, flipadelphia!

Meanwhile, at the Gaslight Restaurant...

"Good evening, folks. I'm Gerald, and I'll be your server tonight. Will that be all?"

"Haha. What?"

"Will be there anything else? Or are you ready for the check now?"

"Uh, we haven't ordered yet..."

"Great! (tears bill off of pad) I'll just get that when you're ready. You guys have a good night, okay?"

(reads bill) "$400 for champagne? And it's not even the good stuff."

Fiverr Delivers!

 This came in:

SWEET. This totally looks like a badass lemur in an astronaut suit on fire wielding nunchucks made of pepper grinders!

This would be the perfect esports logo for us if this blog played PUBG or Fortnite or Call of Duty or whatever. Put that on a friggin' SATIN JACKET!

Thanks again to Fiverr seller nuraroni for such a good job!

EADJ's New Year's Resolutions

Happy New Year! We at EADJ are excited for a fresh start, so here is a list of our New Year's resolutions:

• Stop ordering a venti soy latte at Dunkin

• Win a fight with a bouncer

• Get my body bikini ready for summer 

• Start working on that Bee Gees biopic again

• MORE MUCILAGE

• Call your mother back

• Prepare for Lent

• Connect with the universe like some New Age idiot

• Make you like me

• Learn the lyrics to Daft Punk's "Around The World"

Tracklists! Tracklists! Tracklists!

Here's the tracklist to the High School Musical soundtrack:

1) Start of Something New
2) Get'cha Head In the Game
3) What I've Been Looking For
4) What I've Been Looking For (Reprise)
5) Stick To the Status Quo
6) When There Was Me and You
7) Bop To the Top
8) Breaking Free
9) We're All In This Together
10) I Can't Take My Eyes Off of You


Here's the tracklist to the High School Musical 2 soundtrack:

1) What Time Is It
2) Fabulous
3) Work This Out
4) You Are the Music In Me
5) I Don't Dance
6) You Are the Music In Me (Sharpay Version)
7) Gotta Go My Own Way
8) Bet On It
9) Everyday
10) All For One
11) Humuhumunukunukuapua'a


Here's the tracklist to the High School Musical 3 soundtrack:

1) Now Or Never
2) Right Here, Right Now
3) I Want It All
4) Can I Have This Dance
5) A Night To Remember
6) Just Wanna Be With You
7) The Boys Are Back
8) Walk Away
9) Scream
10) Senior Year Spring Musical
11) We're All In This Together (Graduation Mix)
12) High School Musical
13) Just Getting Started


Here's the SNEAK PEEK tracklist to High School Musical 4, which coincidentally is also the same tracklist for "Onset of Putrefaction" by the death metal band Necrophagist:

1) Foul Body Autopsy
2) To Breathe In a Casket
3) Mutilate the Stillborn
4) Intestinal Incubation
5) Culinary Hyperversity
6) Advanced Corpse Tumor
7) Extreme Unction
8) Fermented Offal Discharge
9) Dismembered Self-Immolation
10) Pseudopathological Vivisection

FLIRTY GIRL!!!!!!!

Hey girls, are you ready to tone up, slim down, and do it all, while still having a ton of FUN? Well, get ready for Flirty Girl Fitness™!!!!!!

Created by Kerry and Krista Knee (really), the Flirty Girl Fitness™ Program is the latest FUN and EXCITING way to get FIT and UNLOCK your inner DIVA!!!! Whether you want to LOSE WEIGHT to fit into a BRIDESMAID'S DRESS, TONE MUSCLES to look better on the BEACH, or ACT LIKE A SLUT to GET ATTENTION, Flirty Girl Fitness™ is the perfect way for you to ACHIEVE your GOALS in record time!!!!!

FORGET about the boring old GYM where the GUYS don't even RESPOND to your insistent MOANING and GRUNTING on the NAUTILUS MACHINE and are probably GAY ANYWAY. FORGET about complicated workout EQUIPMENT that you have to ASSEMBLE and end up HANGING CLOTHES from because you don't have enough ROOM in your small one bedroom APARTMENT to really STORE it anywhere. It's time to GET FUNKY and start EXERCISING the FLIRTY WAY!!!!!

All you'll NEED to start your own Flirty Girl Fitness™ exercise ROUTINE is a Flirty Girl Fitness™ DVD Basic Pack and a CHAIR, because that's the only EQUIPMENT you need to do all the Flirty Girl SEXY MOVES!!!!!


HERE'S a SAMPLE of what you can EXPECT in a Flirty Girl Fitness™ BASIC PACK:

1) Basic Warmup (10 minutes) After putting on a pink half-shirt and a pair of jean shorts, you flip your hair and scream "I love this song!" when Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" starts playing.

2) Pump Up (5 minutes) You drink your fourth daiquiri and spill it on the guy in the next booth. Even though he's with his girlfriend and just trying to have a nice time out, you make clumsy passes to him and even flash him some nip.

3) Main Workout (15 minutes) You partially pee yourself while trying to find The Fray on the jukebox. The bartender refuses to serve you anymore but keeps your ID so you won't go elsewhere. You start crying about how Ryan hasn't called you back even though he said he would when you guys ran into each other at H&M. The jalapeno poppers you ate earlier are now giving you serious farts.

4) Basic Warm-down (5 minutes) You fall asleep while playing Golden Tee. Someone's rubbing your ass, and you groggily respond, but it turns out to be your girlfriend Tina. You make out with her anyway.

5) Stretching (5 minutes) You get thrown out of the bar for entering the men's room and offering $5 hummers. You catch a cab but can't pay since you lost your wallet. The cab drops you off angrily. You fall asleep in a bush underneath your apartment window. Your son's diaper has needed changing for 6 hours.

And THAT'S just a TASTE of the FUN you too can be HAVING with Flirty Girl Fitness™! Just call today to ORDER and SEE how being STARVED for ATTENTION and dancing like a STRIPPER can get you the BODY you want!!!!! (No fatties or married women, please)