Another Sign That I'm Old

 I saw the lineup for something called the "Gem & Jam Festival":

I didn't recognize ONE SINGLE ACT. Seriously, they read like fake bands on a Simpsons Lollapalooza episode.

What The Man On the Box For An Outdoor Mat Is Thinking

You little shit.

You think just because you're 3 years old and adorable, you can hog the whole shoot? Well, I hate to break it to you, kid, but this isn't a photoshoot for a "kids only outdoor mat." No sirree. We are supposed to depict a family of three together on the mat. This isn't your big break or a springboard to your own Netflix series, you little twerp.

Oh, I do see your real mommy standing by the craft service table (which I'm surprised they even have for a still shoot, impressive!) coaching you to emote and exude and act the part or whatever, but face it, kid. This is not an acting gig- we are mannequins who look the fucking part.

At least they think we look the part. You actually look a little Asian to me, so I guess Martha here and me adopted you or kidnapped you or whatever. I'm not sure about the backstory here. What I do know is that I will strangle you with this sock monkey if you ruin this for me. I sure as hell need this $75, and you turning this into "Star Search" isn't going to help me any.

"Star Search." It's a talent show from way back. Forget it.

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of January 6

The following Twitter hashtags have been determined to be the least influential of the week- not going viral, not creating buzz, and certainly not trending. Feel free to use any of these on your non-influential Twitter feeds!

#bangshortbus

#crackpipecoozy

#carrottopsecondact

#collegetextbookbargains

#crackerasscrackercracker

#ablowjobfromGaryBusey

#FullHousebingewatching

#childprotectiveservicesselfie

#StPaulisthecenteroftheuniverse

#GeorgeClooneywasthebestBatman

#hereismysocialsecuritynumber457-55-5462

Song List From The New Broadway Production of "Rocky"

For years here at EADJ, we have been known as THE source for Broadway news, gossip and opinion. And we recently received a sneak-peek setlist of the songs that will be performed in the soon-to-be-short-lived Broadway production of "Rocky." Look for these catchy tunes when you attend this blockbuster show:

Yo
Egg Yolk Smoothie
Rambling Exposition / Hey Philadelphia
Your Stupid Hat (Adrian's Song)
Punching Beef
Why Is Popeye My Trainer
Gonna Sing Now
Apollo's Creed
Cut My Eyes (I Can't See)
Yo (Reprise)
No Sequels... Not

Day Four Of EADJ's Partnership With The Foundation For A Better Life