Happy July 4th From Eat A Dick Joel

We hope you enjoy your day off at a barbecue or a pool and perhaps get some sleep tonight although some asshole neighbors of yours will invariably keep setting off fireworks past 3am. Enjoy!

The ProofrEADJer: June Edition

FYI

Pictured below, the entirety of the salad bar at Chuck E. Cheese:

A Double Take

 I was glancing at my son's math homework...

...and thought I spotted the word SLUT.

Oh. 5/6. Carry on.

More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

Annabel at the Girl Scout Cookie kiosk in the Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg, IL

• Fuck, I think I tore my ACL.

• My daughter better appreciate that I'm selling these for her.

Devin at the iRepair Expert kiosk in Pacific Place in Seattle, WA

• I'll need to sell 300 more phone cases to make rent this month.

• I bet I could pee my pants and no one would notice.

Hamza at the Soccer International kiosk in The Mall at Millenia in Orlando, FL

• If someone stabbed me in the chest with a CapriSun straw, could they drink my blood?

• I know all the words to Aerosmith's "Walk This Way". I wish someone would ask me to recite it all.

Tina at the TOYZ kiosk in the Russellville City Mall at Millenia in Russellville, AR

• This "Dune 2" movie is terrific.

• Wait, how many hours have I been away from the kiosk?

Dante at the Detroit Fragrance Company kiosk in the Grand Teton Mall at Millenia in Idaho Falls, ID

• My roommate better have folded the common area futon by the time I get home.

• I could take pretty much any man in this mall.

Third Bullet's The Best

 No awkward small talk? I'm sold!

Day 2 of UAG Week

Upcoming Movies Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

In their constant search for original, unmined material to base terrible feature films on, a desperate Hollywood has previously turned to break room coffee flavors and seed names to get movie ideas. It was announced early today that Hollywood's biggest studios would be inspired by the new-agey titles of my wife's new Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) phone's ringtones.

"Mountain Temple"

starring Jim Caviezel, Jackie Chan and Judge Reinhold

Jim Caviezel stars as a lost tourist in the Himalayan Valley of Zanskar who meets a wise but mysterious guru (Chan) who teaches him how to kick and elbow punch his way into being more assertive at work. Judge Reinhold stars as the dickish boss who doesn't even see it coming.

"Nighttime Oasis"

starring Rachel Bilson and Chris Evans

This erotic NC-17 movie is a throwback to the sexy psychological thrillers of the 90's. That's all I know. Just hoping Bilson's nips get some screen time in this one. Directed by Adrian Lyne, of course.

"Over The Horizon"

starring Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh

This very British-feeling movie follows the events of a 17th Century Duke (Branagh) and the trouble he discovers when his gardener's wheelbarrow loses a handle. Will the flowers in the East Garden be pruned in time for that evening's Spring Ball, hosted by the Duchess Kivortny (Thomas)? No.

"Rain Drops"

starring Chris Brown

Not a full-length feature film as much as a feature-length music video. Chris Brown sings and dances his heart out in a spectacular choreographed live show entirely in the rain that's reminiscent of Woodstock, Singin' In The Rain, and Honey. Also, Chris Brown is unrepentant in the vicious beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, who he recently split up with because he was cheating on her with a waitress. Directed by Alan Smithee

"Rays Of The Sun"

starring Nicole Kidman, Tila Tequila and Dustin Diamond

This WWII coming of age epic stars Dustin Diamond who is harshly scolded by his mother (Kidman) for giving a Japanese woman (Tequila) at the Manzanar relocation camp a Dirty Sanchez.

"Sea Breeze"

starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

McConaughey and Hudson go at it again with their hit-making chemistry! This time, they're rival boat captains fighting over docking rights in the Virgin Islands. If you feel like you've seen this movie before, that's because most of the B-roll shots are from "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Sea Breeze!

"Seaside"

This is just a cut down edit of "Sea Breeze" for cross country flights. United Airlines only.

"The Secret Forest"

starring Thomas Horn, Elle Fanning and Chloë Grace Moretz

This CG animated romp in an enchanted glen in a forest features a lot of 3D special effects that depict wonder, amazement and lots of flying shit. I dunno, butterflies? Sure. Whatever. Plus some deer and an owl and some fucking fairies. Sure. All characters voiced by Burt Reynolds.

Come To New York City

Where you can buy flip flops with brand names like Babe or Adadis.

Poker in the Front, Shorter Fatter in the Rear

The following Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson report has been filed by Phil Flicklicker:

"SFVOSP...in hallway over South Water.

He was wearing what I thought was a pocket protector. As I got closer, I noticed he had a black plastic fork in his shirt pocket."

(pictured above, the best rendition of Mr. Wood that I could do from memory)