The Latest InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his talented stable of batshit liars are preparing the next conspiracy theories that blame everything from high beef prices to bunions on "leftists" and "woke commie operatives". Here are the stories they plan to litter the airwaves with soon:

• Most daycare places are "woke indoctrination camps" for children, brainwashing them to care about other people by showing them Elmo and Ms. Rachel.

• You know that extra button that they sew on the inside of dress shirts? That's a listening device for the KGB and MI6.

• Logging onto Grindr signals to the government that you're gay, even if you're just logging on out of intellectual curiosity and aren't gay at all. At all.

• A majority Buc-ee's locations aren't real but holographic illusions created by Rosie O' Donnell to steal conservatives' credit card information.

• The sea lions at Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco are actually undercover ICE agents staked out to monitor the Bay for illegal immigrants.

A Brief Rant About Spoons

 I went to IKEA the other day to get some extra silverware for the kitchen, and little did I realize that companies were still trying to redesign the shape of spoons.

With just slight tweaks here and there, silverware designers are attempting to overhaul the centuries-old implements we've been using since before agrarianism or even the first episode of "The Simpsons".

Needless to say, all this effort is for naught, because there's always something off about these new designs:

Design Name: TÅNGMÄRLA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's take the reliable shape of the spoon but make it squarer so it surprises the mouth!"

The Result: The spoon clangs around the mouth like a sectional maneuvering inside a tiny foyer.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "If you don't give me some tang, Marla, I'm going to buy you these wildly impractical spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: ÄTBART

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I am inspired by the shape of a carrot. Let's make the tip pointier!"

The Result: Giving a child cough medicine becomes more dangerous with a spear-tip heading for their precious face.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Don't throw these spoons at Bart or you'll stab him in his yellow head."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: FRÖJDA

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Let's make the spoon WIDER with SHARP corners!"

The Result: Everyone but Kermit the Frog will have the corners of their mouth scraped with jagged metal when using these.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Sigmund Freud, a neurologist, suggests your oral fixation made you buy these terrible spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: MOPSIG

What The Designer Was Thinking: "I dunno, a reverse teardrop shape?"

The Result: Although the most usable of these IKEA designs, the design allows for the spoon to hold less chili/Cinnamon Toast Crunch/cole slaw, which overall is a minus.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "Grab that mop, Sigmund Freud, and help me clean up this spilled food that fell out of these inadequate spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Design Name: LÖFTESRIK

What The Designer Was Thinking: "Round round round! On a stick!"

The Result: Too wide to fit in your mouth comfortably. To delicate at the neck to hold anything of weight. Looks fancy but is impractical. Like an art student project.

Using the Name in a Sentence: "I löft as Rick tried to eat with his overdesigned spoons."

Overall Grade: F

Fun Facts About Strawberries and Bananas That Didn't Make It On The Back of A Box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios

Strawberry Banana Cheerios are delicious. And on the back of every box of Strawberry Banana Cheerios, you can read some fun facts about both strawberries and bananas, like "Strawberries and roses are in the same botanical family" or "Technically bananas are berries, but strawberries are not." Fun!

Here now are some fun facts about strawberries and bananas that did not make the back of the packaging:

• Bananas will never intentionally hurt you.

• The Inuit word for strawberry is sitilluqaaq, which translates loosely to "Why are you even here?"

• Rachel says she likes bananas and strawberries, but only because Josh said he likes them first, and she's totally crushing on him. We should tell Tracy.

• If you ever get shot by a banana traveling at the speed of a bullet, I call dibs on your Playstation 5.

• The words "straw" and "berry" have individually been copyrighted by Kanye West

• 2 weeks. I promise.

• Banana easy and good. Strawberry okay but need to remove green part.

• Banana and Strawberry have lived together for decades without getting married, like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn

The Worst-Selling Items at the Airport Hudson News

• "Fuck Yeah, Toledo!" Onesie

• Squeezable Commuter Jet Stress Increaser

• Nut Bar

• Collectible Letter Opener (Blade Removed for Security Reasons)

• Unique Inflatable Neck Pillow That Doesn't Make You Look Like An Asshole

• Counterfeit Boarding Pass

• Life-Size Predator Statue with Working LED Sensor and Sounds (Shipping Not Included)

• Nut Bar

• Skymall (Hardback Edition)

• TSA Metal Detector Wand Butt Plug

• Framed Photo of Your Wife and Kids At Home Doing Just Fine Without You

• Terrified lost child, age 6. Goes by the name "Camilla."

• Mandalay Bay, Las Vegas Prayer Cloth

• Soaking wet sock full of pistachios and Tylenol

• Pierce Brosnan's Turd Paperweight

• Nut Bar

• 1/48 Scale Model of the United Express Wing of the Lincoln, Nebraska Airport

• Used CD- Alanis Morisette "Jagged Little Pill"

• Ashley Madison Condom & Herpes Testing Kit

• 'Beats By Dr. Scholl' Footphones

• 4 Gallon Jug of Clorox

• Someone's Misplaced Charts of Nabisco's Q2 2012 West Coast Distribution  Channels

• Non-functioning, Decorative Parachute

• Universal Power Adaptor That Never Fucking Works

• Coupon good for $5 off any Chili's Express purchase. Price: $10

• Hand-carved Amish Rape Whistle

• Blank Journal Book-On-Tape

• Nut Bar

• Cracker Barrel-branded Actual Barrel For Holding Real Crackers In