A Brief Commentary By Cement Bird On The News Of Republican Nominee Newt Gingrich Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

---

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and u sed it as a
mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

FWD: DOGS ARE WONDERFUL BECAUSE...

 

 

THIS IS WONDERFUL.   GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.

Give me a sense of

humour;

Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humour out of life,

and to the person receiving thisthe grace to pass it on to others.

=

---

Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =