So, This Was Stupid.

I received an email from my local YMCA about registering my kids for Youth Sports: 

The problem was, there was neither an active hyperlink within the image on the email when you click on REGISTER NOW, nor was there a text link anywhere. Just a dumb QR code which you couldn't click on. And this shit was on my phone, so I couldn't SCAN the QR CODE. And then when I googled "South Mountain YMCA SMY YOUTH SPORTS REGISTER" nothing came up.

So guess what I did. I PRINTED this stupid email out and then SCANNED the QR CODE. What stupid grandfather roundabout bullshit is this? Jesus. Well, long story short, my boys are now signed up for 8 weeks of badminton this summer. Kidding.

Someone Ran the Comp Illustration

Spotted online: Michael Jackson retires with $500,000

6 Lies Told By The "Safe Handling Of Take Out Foods" Brochure

1) Paper bags aren't usually big or strong enough to hold an entire chicken. Also, who the shit slices pizza that way?

2) "Keep HOT Food HOT! Keep COLD food COLD!"

Also, MEN should marry WOMEN! And WOMEN in skirts are ASKING FOR IT!

3) "If you are not eating take-out or delivered food immediately, follow these guidelines to make sure the food remains safe for you to eat at a later time."

The question that should be asked is, why did you order food if you weren't going to immediately eat it, you indecisive wastoid? Lay off the pipe and eat your Reuben while it's hot.

4) "Inspected for wholesomeness." That means they served it at a Mormon sock hop and measured the number of "gee-willikers" in the responses.

5) If you've got 5 day old egg salad lying around, you deserve to die.

6) "Salads made with mayonnaise do not freeze well." Bullshit. It freezes great- it just tastes like yak ass after thawing later.

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EADJ is proud to announce the 6 Lies Bordeux, bottled exclusively in Central New Jersey.

Full-bodied with herbal notes, this white or red wine (I forget which) boasts a soft, less tannic flavor than a Cabernet sauvignon. Pairs well with a hoagie or cocaine.

"Let Us Realize The Arc of the Moral Universe Is Long, But It Bends Toward Pathmark."

Here we catch a shitty shopper in the act dropping some random merchandise:

Home Depot Waste Bag Was Feeling Frisky

Home Depot Waste Bag was feeling frisky.

IKEA Frame Hanger thought that was hilarious.

Rav 4 Wheel Well was pleasantly surprised.

The Sorting Hat in the Home Depot Parking Lot didn't like it one bit.

The Two Red Goofballs at Panda Express kept their mouths shut.

Mouthwash Dispenser couldn't see what the big deal was.

UAG

"Yay!"

Hey, you little kids. You wanna have some real fun and learn something about science at the same time? No? Well, listen to this pitch anyway, you little shits.

Thanks to Creative Kids Inc., now can have your own AMAZING VOLCANO in your room or garage or basement. Now you can "erupt" your own "volcano."

See the amazing "eruptions" of "molten lava" shoot out of your "amazing" volcano with the help of a hand pump, but remember to put on your cheap pair of eye protection, because that "lava" will scald your eyeballs blind. "Seriously."

"Amaze" your "friends" with this impressive "science experiment," which you can totally submit as a project at the next school science fair and get a "D" for.

Then later, you can "wonder" why your parents hate you so much that they buy you useless, nonscientific "crap" like AMAZING VOLCANO from the Discovery Store. Maybe so they don't have to spend any "time" with you. They hate you, you know.

Granny Say What?

"Give it all you've got?" Does a Granny really say that? Is that even #17 on the list of things she'd ever say? "Give it all you've got?" Is Granny the head coach of the Houston Oilers now? "Give it all you've got?" Why not "Get some?" "Go big or go home?" "Pain is temporary; victory is forever?"

"Give it all you've got?" Jesus, Granny, you need to lay off the 'roids and pick up knitting again. You're scaring me.

UAG

OM NOM NOM NOM

Pictured below, proof you don't get an apple bottom eating apples.

And Now, Pewter Bear With How To Host a Clambake

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. We are not doing this.

We gave a 'how to' segment to Vince's Uncle Roberto, and then we gave one to "Ugly Andrew Gall." But we'll be pigfucked if we give a regular EADJ segment, 'how to' or otherwise, to goddamn weak-ass fucking Pewter Bear.

Fuck you, Pewter Bear. Nobody asked you to host a segment. Nobody even asked you to be born and breathe our air. Nobody invited you to exist and take up space. So why don't you just jump in a volcano or slit your own throat with some kind of special pewter-cutting knife? Man, hating you takes up so much GODDAMN ENERGY! I feel sleepy now. Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Brooklyn Car Badassery

A minivan keeps it real:



And a guy refuses to stop farting in his "Incoln" Towncar:

How To Create a Cirque Du Soleil Sensation

Step 1) Come up with a really annoying name that's half English and half whatever (preferably French). It's okay if you ignore Latin origins and basic word structure (See Zumanity).

Step 2) For your soundtrack, recruit the talents of John Tesh, Kitaro or Mannheim Steamroller. If those guys are busy, just have a turtle walk on a casio keyboard.

Step 3) Get some dancers in leotards. Throw harlequin masks on them and make them hang from the ceiling doing crazy shit. Charge $80 a pop.

Step 4) Unleash your blight on culture to the world (aka Vegas)!

An Imagined Conversation.

"We'll call the place Smart Workout."
"Okay. What does that mean?"
"I dunno. And we'll say it's 'An activities venue.'"
"I don't understand what that means, either."
"Then we'll take a few photos of the place to put on the sign outside."
"But there's no one here. It'll be a photo of an empty gym with two rowing machines."
"Then you can take a photo of me being sexy on this here pole, as if we have poledancing classes!"
"I want out of this business, Cheryl. I'm serious."

I'm seriously considering calling for the free DVD.

I weigh 175 lbs. Don't know if they could carry me...