Dollar Express Ad or David Lynch Nightmarish Mood Board?

cue dark Angelo Badalamenti music

"It Does Not Matter How Slowly You Go As Long As You Do Not Pathmark."

 

A Disturbing Future Without Humanity

If you're a longtime reader of this blog– and why wouldn't you be?– you are familiar with the past posts, musings, and bullshittery on the NJ Transit Commuter Survey. Spotted this morning on the train, the 2019 survey flyer is adorned yet again another generic still life instead a vibrant stock shot of fake commuters pretending to talk to each other.

Since 2013, NJ Transit Authority has seen fit to do away with the cheesy photo, perhaps thinking it put off commuters from filling out the advertised survey. I for one think this does nothing of the sort, that the stilted engagement of these actors amused me enough to engage in NJ Transit's boring paperwork. What, is a pie chart or a lousy shot of a pine cone going to get me all fired up to respond?

The truth is, anger towards service interruptions, canceled trains and poor infrastructure management would be what drives most people to fill out the survey. But rather than insult us with a half-assed stock photo of autumnal leaves, why not insult us with a poorly-staged stock shot of models whose conversation will always be just out of our comprehension? Think about it, NJ Transit.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains The 7 Ways That Skeletal Muscles Are Named

There are actually 8 main criteria in naming skeletal muscles:

1) Size (gluteus maximus)

2) Shape (trapezius)

3) Orientation of the muscle fibers (rectus abdominis)

4) Mechanical action of the muscles (flexor muscles)

5) Number of origins of a muscle (and yes, muscles can have more than one origin) (biceps, triceps, etc.)

6) The points of origin and insertion (sternocleidomastoid)

7) Name of the muscle function (The risorius is a facial muscle that is crucial for the expressions of smiling and laughter. Risorius comes from the Latin word risus, which means "laugh.")

8) The muscle's location (The temporalis muscle is named after the temporal bone (your temple) on top of which it is located).

And speaking of skeletal, when my limousine drivers and I are short-staffed and running on the barest of skeleton crews, please allow an extra 10 minutes for us rather than canceling and using Uber or Lyft instead. Stay safe, kids!

Gourd God: The Latest NJ Transit Survey Brochure

I got on the NJ Transit train the other morning and came across these flyers:

Festive and autumnal, no? Then I saw the arrangement of the pumpkins and gourds and realized it's a pale ghost of our beloved old stock people from the 2013 survey brochure.

Here now is a perfunctory comparison chart between the two:

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!

"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

Today We Wonder What Regrettable Tattoos The Riders In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Probably Have On Their Bodies

"Jesse" wanted something cool and futuristic, plus something to commemorate his days working as an audio editor at his local news station, so he got this semi-tribal reel-to-reel spool on his left leg, above the knee.

"Jess's" wild lifestyle back in 1999, plus her interest in "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace's" Darth Maul led her to get this aggressive design tattooed inside her lower lip.

"Angie" was dating a dentist at the time. He was a bodybuilder. She doesn't like talking about it.

Two guesses where "Trina" had these tattooed.

"Don With The Thumbs" got this interesting design on his back, only to find out later that this is a Russian criminal tattoo which was widespread in corrective labor institutions of the Urals.

"Simon Peter" doesn't regret getting this tattoo of a red-eyed bull doing curls on his chest, mainly because he is an idiot.

What If The NJ Transit Survey People Were Trees?

I know it's been a while since we've covered this venerated group. And I know there are a lot of you who have been wondering, "if those six people had been born as different types of trees, what would they be?" Well, wait no more for an answer, for here it is, dendrophiles, a guide from EADJ in association with the National Park Service:

1) "Jesse"

Jesse is solid, reliable, and strong. But maybe a bit boring. And probably not around when things start to cool down, so not an evergreen. Jesse would be a Big Leaf Maple.

2) "Jess"

This one is easy. With flailing limbs, slender build and impressive height, Jesse would easily be a Weeping Willow. You go, Jess!

3) "Angie"

Now, I know you're expecting us to just make her a bush because she's just a floating head, LOL blah blah blah. But you're not seeing the true nature of Angie: sensible, sensitive and more than a little tired of people's "guff." Slight but strong. That's Angie. And that's the Ohio Buckeye.

4) "Trina"

Shapely. Flirtatious. Lecherous. Widely cultivated as a flowering ornamental throughout the temperate world. Yep, that's Trina. A Staghorn Sumac if I ever saw one.

5) "Don With The Thumbs"

With outer branches that are often pendulous with curled tips, the Horse Chestnut was the first and only contender for dear Don. Also, what has two thumbs and has seed extract used for its venotonic effect, vascular protection, anti-inflammatory and free radical scavenging properties? This guy!

6) "Simon Peter"

Pass. That guy bores me. Shit, only one more to do? Fine. I chose Canoe Birch because it's the closest one to the word "bitch." Happy? Cool. We're done here!

Let's Bicker Over The Minor Details of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew via text, a sign on a train from Vancouver to Seattle:

At Last: A Transcript of What The People In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Are Saying

Having exhausted (almost) every angle with regards to this enigmatic photo, we at EADJ have finally ponied up some cash to pay some professional lip readers to tell what these six people were actually saying during the photoshoot. Below are their findings:

JESSE: "He's either just smiling or saying a very solid 'S' sound. Maybe he's saying 'Sssorry for looking down your shirt?'"

JESS: "She is a puzzle. Her hands are moving, implying that she's in the middle of expressing something, but her mouth seems locked in a smile. Perhaps she's also using an 'S' sound, as in 'Megan Trainor ssssuckssssss.'"

ANGIE: "I feel like her lips and teeth are indicating a hard 'D' sound, like 'Donkey punches never really happen, do they?'"

TRINA: "Oh, this one's easy (and so is Trina!). She is clearly saying an 'ooo' sound, as in 'Whooo wants a piece of this action?'" I know I'm not supposed to judge in my profession, but that is disgraceful."

DON WITH THE THUMBS: "Since I cannot even see his mouth, I'm just going to assume he is saying, 'JEB BUSH IN 2016!' Yeah, that looks like it."

SIMON PETER: "Oh, I don't care much for him. Look at that slack pussy piehole of his. He's probably not saying anything interesting. Probably something like, 'You should really check out my Pinterest- it's full of great lifehack ideas.' Jesus, SPARE ME."

The Very Absolutely Definitively Definitely Worst Of Kidz Bop Cover Songs

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (ft. Wanz)

The cringeworthy joyful rapping. The lyric "Damn, that's a old ass honky" replaced with "that guy on the marquee." This is fucking awful.




"My Immortal" by Evanescence

For once, they didn't autotune the lead singer, which turns out to be a BAD THING. This insincere goth ballad from 2000 gets a much-needed dose of serious Kidz brand SUNSHINE! Strangely, the lyric "these wounds won't seem to heal" sounds more authentic coming from tweens than from Evanescence singer Amy Lee. Weird.




"Party Like A Rockstar" by Shop Boyz

"Whoo!" "Oh!" "Totally dude!" "Yeaaaaahhhh" This is so painful I can't even write it up.




"Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Take shit. Mix it with shit, and blend it with shit. Then shit it all out through a shit filter. Voila, this!




"Float On" by Modest Mouse

Hey, take an overplayed indie hit and replace the vocals with Kidz! Do you like it now? Yes? Oh, fuck you.





"MMMBop" by Hanson

This kid-vocaled sunshiny cover of an already kid-vocaled sunshiny hit has created a kid-vocaled sunshiny vortex of light matter that will soon destroy the entire universe with doo-wops and handclaps. We as a civilization never had a chance.

Behold, As We Brutally Assign Real Death Metal Band Names To Each Person In The NJ Transit Survey Brochure Photo

(Editor's Note: Play this song while reading)

Unleash the unholy, consume the damned, and feast on the entrails of death metal as we pair up members of the New Jersey Transit brochure photo with real life death metal band names.

1) "Jesse" = INACTIVE MESSIAH

Jesse's lack of engagement and sitting like a lump has earned him the same name as the Greek melodic death metal band, founded in Athens, and unsurprisingly known for letting their domain name payments lapse, leaving it vulnerable to a Chinese takeover.

Runner up: Painstruck

2) "Jess" = RIBSPREADER

Jess was given the band name Ribspreader for no other reason than she was doing something odd with her hands down by her ribs. Not really much to elaborate with here, other than Ribspreader is a Swedish death metal band whose albums include "Bolted To The Cross" and "Congregating The Sick."

Runner up: Hatebeak

3) "Angie" = BEHEADED

Beheaded is a death metal band from Malta who released the appropriately titled album "Recounts of Disembodiment."

Runners up: Decapitated, Dismember, and Cephalic Carnage

4) "Trina" = THE CHASM

No mystery why we paired Trina with The Chasm. Look at that cleave.

Runner Up: Goatwhore

5) "Don With The Thumbs" = DESPISED ICON

Don, the self proclaimer, the self promoter, the "this guy" earns himself the new nickname Despised Icon. The band is a deathcore group from Montreal, Quebec and is notable for the use of two vocalists: Alexandre Erian, who takes use of a mid-range screaming technique and Steve Marois for the low growling vocals.

Runners up: Infernäl Mäjesty, Ebony Tears

6) "Simon Peter" = STRAPPING YOUNG LAD

The ineffectual Simon Peter gets a death metal overhaul via association with an Canadian "extreme metal band" from Vancouver, British Columbia. Strapping Young Lad started as Devin Townsend's one-man studio project but then didn't. They broke up in 2012.

Runner up: NonExist

Announcing The Official NJ Transit Customer Survey Brochure Photo LEGO Playset!

The New Jersey Transit Authority, in conjunction with LEGO and the state of New Jersey, is proud to announce the Official NJ Transit Customer Survey Brochure Photo LEGO Playset, a 600-piece set that recreates every detail of the baffling photo that accompanies every NJ Transit Customer Service Brochure.

This handsome, thrown-together set lets kids build the entire interior of a real NJ Transit commuter train, complete with seat backs and seat bottoms. In addition, the six beloved stars of the famous photo have been recreated as exclusive minifies. Let's take a look at each one:

1. "Jesse"

Jesse comes with his signature WASPy smile, WASPy suit and briefcase full of ghetto booty magazines.

2. "Jess"

The LEGO Company has always prided themselves in including amazing detail, and this rendition of "Jess" is no exception with her purple power suit, popped collar and inexplicably blurry hands.

3. "Angie"

Angie is a head.

4. "Trina"

"Trina" features her signature big boobs, dipping cleavage, and come hither stare, but try as they might, no boy will ever get in her pants. 

5. "Don With The Thumbs"

Although the lack of opposing fingers renders this minifig pretty much useless, "Don With The Thumbs" is the main reason so many collectors have already pre-ordered this play set. What "Don With The Thumbs" lacks in playability, it makes up for in collectibility, already fetching bids of $400 each on eBay.

6. "Simon Peter"

Hapless, clueless, and dauntless, this miniature version of "Simon Peter" is a great portrait of dumb young executives who are way over their heads in the "real world," mentally and emotionally unprepared for the heartbreak, the frustration, and the inevitable disappointment that pursuing a professional career leads to. He even has a shirt pocket for pens!

The Official NJ Transit Customer Survey Brochure Photo LEGO Playset will be available at all NJ Transit ticket booths and Toys "R" Us on June 30 at a retail price of $3295.99. Preorder here.