6 Lies Told By The "Safe Handling Of Take Out Foods" Brochure

1) Paper bags aren't usually big or strong enough to hold an entire chicken. Also, who the shit slices pizza that way?

2) "Keep HOT Food HOT! Keep COLD food COLD!"

Also, MEN should marry WOMEN! And WOMEN in skirts are ASKING FOR IT!

3) "If you are not eating take-out or delivered food immediately, follow these guidelines to make sure the food remains safe for you to eat at a later time."

The question that should be asked is, why did you order food if you weren't going to immediately eat it, you indecisive wastoid? Lay off the pipe and eat your Reuben while it's hot.

4) "Inspected for wholesomeness." That means they served it at a Mormon sock hop and measured the number of "gee-willikers" in the responses.

5) If you've got 5 day old egg salad lying around, you deserve to die.

6) "Salads made with mayonnaise do not freeze well." Bullshit. It freezes great- it just tastes like yak ass after thawing later.

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EADJ is proud to announce the 6 Lies Bordeux, bottled exclusively in Central New Jersey.

Full-bodied with herbal notes, this white or red wine (I forget which) boasts a soft, less tannic flavor than a Cabernet sauvignon. Pairs well with a hoagie or cocaine.

Some Movie Ideas Based On Names of Incense Sold At A Local Convenience Store

Hollywood is out of ideas, etc etc, so they're desperately mining every avenue for new movie ideas, etc etc, including the shitty incense section of a shitty convenience store in Union, New Jersey, etc etc. end of setup. Here now are movies scheduled for release soon:

"Egyptian Musk" starring Iman, Eddie Murphy, Naomi Campbell, Tevin Campbell and Kevin Hart

Two time traveling criminals (Murphy and Hart)  find themselves in the court of Cleopatra Selene II herself. They try to steal her gold or something and fall in love in the process. Also starring David Keith as the god Aten.

"PUSSY Cat" starring Dominic Purcell, Alan Tudyk and Kelly Brook.

A nymphomaniac pervert deviant (Tudyk) tries to fly straight but starts getting distracted by the two oversexed neighbors in his trailer park (Purcell and Brook).

"FIERCE" starring Andy Cohen, Andy Dick and Alec Mapa.

Things in San Francisco's Castro district heat up when two warring roommates and ex-lovers try to settle their differences with a third party intervention, who also happens to be an interior designer/wedding planner. Soundtrack by Calvin Harris, Armin van Buuren and John Digweed.

"Cool Water" starring Joan Van Ark, Donna Mills, and Hunter Tylo. Three of the bitchiest bitches in Albuquerque fight to seize control of the lucrative local seltzer water industry. Also starring Jeff Fahey as the land owner and Antonio Sabato Jr. as a torso.

"Butt Naked" starring Kevin James and Tom Green. Also released internationally as "No Fucking Thanks."

EADJ Surprising Hostility: "Magic" Wine Holder

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
-Arthur C. Clarke, "Profiles of The Future", 1961


Today we direct our enmity towards any cantilever-style or so-called "magic" wine holder.

Why? Well, it's hard to articulate exactly what's so fucking annoying about these things, but here's a general walk-through of the logic of any person who buys one:

1) Oh wow! Look at that wine bottle holder! It makes it look like the bottle is floating!

2) But how does it work? Magic?!

3) Oh, I see! The piece of wood forces the heavy bottle to act as a counter-balance, and the angle of the base of the wood ensures the stability of the cantilever! How surprising and utterly elegant!

4) I've got to decorate my condo with this wine holder! This will both show off how sophisticated I am and baffle my douchebag friends!


So people who buy these things aren't only idiots when it comes to basic physics, but they're also eager to show off the fancy bottle of wine they bought.

When it comes to level of taste, I think I'd have to categorize the "magic" wine bottle holder with Patrick Nagel prints, halogen lamps, and those posters that have a rose on some piano keys.

New York City, The Most Exciting City In the World.

Pictured above, what at first looks like a grisly murder scene just turns out to be a broken bottle of merlot from Zachy's.

The Off Brand T.P. Roundup: Enormous, Nutty Speed Round

The successful reboot of the Star Trek franchise has inspired us at EADJ to reboot an old favorite, The Off Brand T.P. Roundup. To breathe fresh new life into this blog bit, we've dispensed with the long, ponderous paragraphs describing every last nuance of the toilet paper on our bums and have reduced each review to a few choice words:


Brand: Tri Soft Single Ply
Texture: Like flattened barnacles
Effectiveness: Just "tri" and wipe without shrieking for help.


Brand: Red & White Bath Tissue- Tejido Fino Del Cuarto De Baño
Texture: Similar to prickly pear cacti in the Tex/Mex border.
Effectiveness: It's named "Red & White" for a reason. Just look after using.


Brand: Mont Royal, whose name implies royalty and regality.
Texture: Like the underside of a manservant's sandals.
Effectiveness: It does the job, but not without a severe beating.


Brand: Marcal 'Small Steps,' which boasts 'a small, easy step to a greener world.'
Texture: Like treebark on a roll.
Effectiveness: The name 'small steps' actually refers to how you'll walk after tearing your ass up with this.


Brand: Sanibel, which sounds like a heifer cow's name
Texture: Feels not unlike straddling a belt sander.
Effectiveness: Hard to tell through all the tears.


Brand: Emerald Premium 2-Ply Toilet Tissue
Texture: Like a Kansas tornado tore through your colon and dropped you in Oz.
Effectiveness: "If I Only Had An Ass."





Brand: Unnamed Pink Ribboned Roll
Texture: Much like a carrot grater banana seat.
Effectiveness: About as effective as praying it off.


Brand: "PS" Prime Source
Texture: Somehow less comfortable than using the wrapper it came in.
Effectiveness: 100% removal of all poop, skin.
p.s. I love you


Brand: Coral Bathroom Tissue
Texture: Like snapping off a jagged piece of rock out of the barrier reef and throwing that up your crack.
Effectiveness: I don't want to talk about it.


Brand: I know this is not off-brand, but Charmin "Basic"
Texture: Basically, a no-frills ride through Abu Ghraib.
Effectiveness: Works. Does the job. And it completely worthy of the method in which it is displayed: