An Open Letter To Pinto Beans

Hi Pinto Beans,

I've never written a letter to you before. Not sure why I'm writing now. I guess I just wanted to check in with you, making sure you're okay. We've known each other for decades now, and the truth is, you and I never talk.

And why is that? It's not like we've lost touch with each other. I often see you at Chipotle or at any taco truck in Austin, TX.

Yes, I know you're busy. Both of us are, believe me! But it's good to just touch base and catch up so we don't lose track of each other.

Okay, I'll come clean now. Full disclosure. I was just wondering if you somehow knew "Slumdog Millionaire" actress Freida Pinto. I sure would like to meet her- she's gorgeous.

Can you hook a brother up?

I'm Not Sure Exactly What's Wong With Me.

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)

Literate Book Corner: EADJ Reviews "Pregnancy And Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick

There's a free book library at the train station in my hometown, so EADJ decided to review this book found on the rack this week: "Pregnancy & Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick. It's a straight-talking guide for women to plan and enjoy a working pregnancy.

Here are some of the top tips this book gives to working mothers-to-be. (Keep in mind that this was published in 1984)

• Pregnant women can experience poor circulation of the legs. Try to avoid restrictive clothing at work like leg warmers, parachute pants or stretch stirrup pants. (Page 33)

• If "Sunglasses At Night" by Corey Hart starts playing on the work radio, try not to get so excited that your water breaks. (Page 45)

• Whether you're a secretary, a stewardess or a woman lawyer, you should know your legal rights. Don't let any of your boss men fire you just because you're pregnant. (Page 77)

• If you start having contractions at work and need to take a taxi to the hospital, use your enormous shoulder pads to rest your sweaty head. (Page 78)

• Avoid dangerous inhalants at work. Instead of copy machine toner, use carbon paper, Mimeograph or a Thermofax to make copies. (Page 81)

• To protect your unborn baby from massive radiation, try to avoid riding in any cars with a car phone installed. (Page 90)

• If you happen to work as a bouncer named Dalton in a road house that has gotten too rowdy and rough, clean things up by confronting the town's bully and rich person Tilghman... Oh the movie "Road House" didn't come out until 1989? Shit, there goes that joke. (Page 93)

• If giving birth at the office, go ahead and deliver it on top of the copy machine. That way you can document how the baby comes out. (Page 96)

• Avoid lifting heavy objects like cellular phones, "keytars," or computer monitors. (Page 99)

• If the pressures of work stress and your pregnancy start to make you panic, just relax knowing that in 28 years, a terrific James Bond movie named "Skyfall" will have been released. (Page 103)

• If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time (Track 4)

• Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to slow down- wear Charlie cologne spray to show those men who's really in charge here! (Advertisement on page 108)

• One of the most inconsiderate things you can do to your co-workers is leave placenta all over the break room. Tidy up afterwards, people! (Page 118)

The Coldest Editing Suite Ever(est)

2nd Story at Toucan Cleric's Fun. Easily the coldest. But perfect for slumber parties.

A Toucan Cleric's Fun Classic Rewind Retro Moment

Pictured above, Matt and Tom sitting next to each other (or is Matt standing?)

The ProofrEADJer, November Edition

Presenting The Newest Buddy Comedy Series: "Honey & Joy"

Move over, "How I Met Your Mother!" Step aside, "Modern Family!" Go fuck yourself, "Two Broke Girls" (No really, go fuck yourself- you're terrible)! There's a new comedy series out, and guess what- IT'S ACTUALLY A COMMERCIAL!!! Just imagine "Laverne and Shirley" if Shotz Beer really existed, or "Perfect Strangers" if Balki's island of Mypos really existed (Google it). Then take away the sharp comedy writing, and add a more begrudging laugh track!

Watch the trailer to the series here:

bitbop.com/honey is a dead URL already! Why!

Watch this series and you too can make very obscure pop culture quotes like "Ladies, we're rock stars. We don't speak cereal." "You got carbs on my face!" or "No high fiving in the break room!"

The production value is poor, although I think a cheapo sitcom look is what they were going for. The acting is corny sitcom-my, which is what I guess they were going for. And a lot of the actors are kind of chubby, which I'm not sure is the intent or a result of the cereal being on set.

Here's Episode 1

And here's Episode 2

Here's Episode 3

Want more? Here's Episode 4 featuring special guests Ok Go. Yes, really.

Episode 5 is here (why do you keep watching these?)

Can't forget Episode 6

Episode 7. Sigh.

Episode 8? Sure.

And here's the unaired Episode 9.

UAG

Lazy lazy lazy lazy lazy.

ANNOUNCING: DRESS BARN WOMAN!

Hey, ladies. Are you sick of going to your local dress barn and finding out they don't have anything for women? Like right???!!

Good thing there's now DRESS BARN WOMAN. It's like DRESS BARN, BUT FOR WOMEN!! Fucking imagine that! Instead of regular Dress Barn shit for cows or mules or whatever, they have garments meant especially for human females!

So bring your lady legs over to DRESS BARN WOMAN and look for LADY DRESSES, LADY PANTALOONS, LADY PANTIES AND PANTY-LIKE OBJECTS, and even LADY SKORTS!

It's November

And time to admire the Autumn weaves.

And also, November is the time that people weave to go home to their families for some nice Thanksgiving turkey.

Upload of Racist Appliances 67% Complete

EADJ Pun Police: K-9 Unit Version

"Hi, kids. I'm Sgt. Troy Sessman. This here is Toby. Toby is a three year veteran of the San Fernando Police Department. Did you know he is an actual police officer? He specializes in drug detection and the apprehending of suspects. Let's go to work, Toby!"

"Woof woof woof woof!"

"What's that, Toby? 'Lose your hang-ups, find your calling?' Gee, could there be more phone puns on one poster? That sounds like an awful movie. Go get 'em, boy."

*Toby leaps up, grabs the movie poster writer by the throat, and shakes*

"Woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof!"

"I know, Toby, Subway does tend to use a lot of puns. They can't get away with it. Let's remind them who's in charge on this street!"

*Toby bites the Subway manager by the crotch and pulls and pulls and pulls*

"Woof woof woof!"

"'Animal Practice: It's quite an operation.' How lazy. Right, Toby?"

*Toby urinates on the poster, then smells the base of a nearby tree*

"Woof woof! Woof woof! Woof?"

"You're right, Toby. Technically, nobody is really losing weight here per se, so that terrible pun doesn't even work. Go get 'em!"

*Toby grabs the girdle and rips it open until the lady's fat flabs burst out like syrup over pancakes*

"Groaaaaaan."

"Groaaaaaan."

*Toby puts both paws over eyes like they do in stupid comedies with dogs in it*

"Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!"

"One thing that Toby is trained in is enduring conditions that humans normally couldn't handle and deal with the problem. Like this drink cooler in Old Navy. Truly awful."

*Toby trips Old Navy manager and starts humping one of his eye sockets*

This one submitted by Andrew Gall:

"Woof, woof! Woof woof woof, woof!"

"'We're In Tents.' Not only their slogan, but their URL. Pretty ballsy of American Rental, Inc. Do it to it, Toby!"

*Toby grabs their balls and rips them out, and brings them to Sgt. Troy Sessman*

"Good boy, Toby!"