Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu's schedule this month:

• We Retell the Classics With Emojis Because The Kids Seem To Like It

• Baron Tumid & Lady Clenched

• Game Show: Guess Our WiFi Password!

• An 8 Hour Fully-Restored and Remastered Documentary on Candlebox

• Dingaling Hygiene

• Jake Crackity's News Quarter Hour

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing this month:

• Nothing But Podcast Program Notes

• Napkin Folding Documentary by a Clearly Schizophrenic Woman

• The 2021 Gender-Swapped Porky's

• Some Pawn Shop Scumbags Ripping Off Old People

• Drag Queen Ninja Course Challenge

• 4 Hours of Footage of Divorced Men Trying To Assemble IKEA Furniture

• Cock! The Making of the Smash Hit Musical

Let's Boost The Visibility Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid, what appears to be a doppelganger of me in a white down coat.

"So many Asians with camera phones."  -J.R.

I'm Not Sure Exactly What's Wong With Me.

I'm About To Write An Angry Letter...

...to Adobe Photoshop to ask why my skills haven't improved in five years.

Always A Plus

Whenever a retail store uses the word "beyond," "plus," "more" or "things" in their name, I can't help but be suspicious of their motives. I know that a place named "Lampshades Plus" wants you to know that they specialize in lampshades, but sell more than just that, but who's to say that "plus" doesn't mean black tar heroin? Here now we help decode what these ambiguous terms really mean.


"Beyond" = bullshit that will clutter your already crappy bathroom


"Plus" = underage prostitutes


"More" = unaired episodes of "Boy Meets World"


"Beyond" = fingerpuppets that somehow fit your penis


"Things" = AIDS


"Plus" = an old autographed 8x10 of Dick Cavett


"Things" = merchandise rejected by Bed Bath & Beyond for being too chintzy

Lobsterfest® Continues To Carry On Rolling On

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster refused to let up, assaulting everyone in the immediate area with chunks of butter and delicious morsels of mouth-watering lobster. Red Lobster has come up with even more ways for you and your effeminate boyfriend to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster. Try these latest savory, scrumptious offerings:

The following entries were all entirely submitted by Andrew Gall:

Upon entering the restaurant, you are blindfolded. From there, you feel the floor dropping out beneath you. You fall approximately 3 stories before landing on a soft beanbag. The blindfold is removed, and it is revealed that you're in a teen's basement bedroom. The beanbag you landed on is shaped like a lobster, and the teen and his friends are performing an all-ages music show for you as part of Red Lobster's Dining With the Rockin' Youth® initiative. You're given all-you can eat lobster and warm cheese biscuits while you're treated to the sounds of tomorrow. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


You order lobster at one of our fine establishments. As you tie your bib and prepare to dig in, you hear a distant voice speaking to you. This voice sounds mysteriously like your long lost father. While you eat, he whispers the sweet and prolific fatherly advice you lacked growing up, leading you to a life of crime in which you repeatedly ripped off discount tire distributors. As your meal winds down, you feel overcome with the right answers in life, and your belly is just as overcome with lobsteriffic delight. Your whispering pseudo-father promises to stay in touch, and you vow to stop robbing tire stores. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


On the first Tuesday of every month, each dinner patron gets a free Red Lobster painter's cap and choke chain for their pet. And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!


As you pick up your knife and fork and prepare to indulge in some succulent lobster, a horn sounds. Up-tempo music plays, a horn section begins, and confetti (which are actually small bites of lobster) begins blowing all around you. Patrons are encouraged to catch the lobster confetti pieces in their mouths, creating a "lobster-winter-wonderland" of sorts, as you'll be instantly reminded of eating fresh snowflakes while wearing snow pants. The confetti doesn't stop blowing until the entire table is covered or someone needs a pee break (whichever comes last!) And that's just another way to enjoy Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

A Little Research and Update

Here's an IM conversation I had with Andrew recently:


Gee, what IS William Hung up to these days? A quick look at his official website revealed that William has been busy going back for thirds at the buffet.


Since his infamous "American Idol" audition, Hung has also recorded three albums ("Inspiration," "Hung For the Holidays," and "Miracle: Happy Summer") and has taken voice lessons. So suck on that.


Hung was also the subject of a documentary called "Hangin' With Hung," an hour and a half long film documenting Hung's sudden rise to stardom. Sources say this DVD could very well be in the EADJ Crappinema in the near future.

Asian Longhorn Beetlemania!

So I got this notice in the mail warning me of an outbreak in Asian Longhorn Beetles. The language was pretty urgent sounding, warning people that Manhattan, Queens, Brooklyn and Staten Island were all under the onslaught: "This beetle is a serious threat to hardwood trees in the U.S. and our urban forest." It urged people to chip their old wood furniture or break it down to bundle so that beetles couldn't feed on it. Frankly, it seems like breaking it down and tying it in little packages is only serving the wood up a little nicer for them, but whatever lady.



So despite its incendiary language and glaring lack of erotic photos, the pamphlet was overall a good read. I learned a few new facts about how dangerous the Asian Longhorn Beetle can be:

• The Asian Longhorn Beetle probably arrived in untreated wooden pallets used to ship goods from China.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle attacks mostly hardwood trees like maples, elms, and birch.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has been known to show up at weddings without having RSVP'd and without bringing a gift.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will ask if it can crash "for a few nights" on your sofa but will end up staying a whole week.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will conveniently get up to use the bathroom right when the restaurant check arrives so that it doesn't chip in for the bill.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle used to date black guys to somehow upset its parents.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post its opinion of last night's "LOST" as a Facebook status, thus giving away key plot points to his friends who haven't watched it yet.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will emphasize the wrong syllable in "Febreeze" no matter how many goddamn times you correct it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will prefer Jay-Z over NaS.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will refer to your baby as "it."
• Female Asian Longhorn Beetles wish George in Grey's Anatomy would reciprocate the feelings that intern Lexie Grey has for him.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles won't concede that Blind Faith was a much more prolific and influential rock band than Derek and the Dominos.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will let you merge, but only if you show some tit.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle beefed.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle keeps raving about how hot Scarlett Johansson is although I don't see what the big deal is. She's okay.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles cannot reproduce without watching scat porn.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle wears unflatteringly tight jeans and tops that only highlight their fat rolls.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle has a vanity plate that says "AZALONG"
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will hang out with the stag beetle but would never refer to him as a "friend," which if you ask me is kind of shitty.
• No matter how many times you repeatedly ask for a barbacoa burrito, the Asian Longhorn Beetle will go to Chipotle and order the chicken for you.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles will blame all of their problems on "Mexicans."
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle fucked your sister.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle is typically lazy and dishonest. But there are some Asian Longhorn Beetles that are trying to make a difference in their community by starting outreach programs and volunteering at community centers. Won't you help?
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle can't really sing, so it relies heavily on autotune technology on most of its tracks.
• Asian Longhorn Beetles bought the domain asianlonghornbeetle.com for the express purpose of selling it to someone who would actually do something with it.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will spin the handles while playing foosball instead of just flicking it with the wrist like normal people.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will use its legs to get ahead at the office despite not really being qualified for the promotion. Tramp.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will scold you for using the word "retard" and say they have a retarded brother. But they really don't.
• Many male Asian Longhorn Beetles still wear Members Only jackets.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will get all pissy if the credit card they gave you gets declined twice, then tell you to try it again.
• Most Asian Longhorn Beetles don't follow the "Walk left, stand right" rule on moving walkways.
• "Asian Longhorn Beatles" is a Beatles tribute band that's been known to play a very faithful cover of "Love Me Do" while boring into the trunks of chestnut trees.
• The Asian Longhorn Beetle will post a photo of their ugly baby as their profile picture in Facebook. I know, that's a second Facebook joke.