The EADJ Crappinema Proudly Presents "KAW!" TOMMED!

As if we haven't already done enough with the Crappinema review and the Crappinuum, our Midtown correspondent Tom Weingard has volunteered to post his takes on this movie (which I must inform you, he DID watch in its entirety). EADJ is happy to present TOMMED:

"KAW!" Oh snap, you've been TOMMED!

Literate Book Corner: The New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism, Published 1964

Like I mentioned before, there's a free used book rack at my New Jersey train station, and while I mainly dump off books I've read there, sometimes there are titles that catch my attention that I'm compelled to share.

This one is terrific. It's a New Saint Joseph Baltimore Catechism handbook from 1965. And while it's filled with the requisite Bible readings, "study helps" (??????), and Mass prayers, they've gone the extra mile to include illustrations of children saying things that children WOULD NEVER SAY:

I showed it to my wife and she said, "That's propaganda." If I were a kid and heard another kid say anything like that, I would think, This guy is either an adult pretending to be a kid or a fucking narc.

This book frames the lessons of the Bible in terms that children can understand- like honoring your father and mother by obeying their request to do chores- but a lot of these other scenarios are examples of being nice rather avoiding sin. 

Sure, it can be all interpretation of Scripture that being nice is being holy (pretty loosey-goosey, if you ask me), but why try so hard to make children feel guilty about being children? Why instill children with such a deep sense of guilt so early in their lives... oh, yeah. Catholicism.

Literate Book Corner: EADJ Reviews "Pregnancy And Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick

There's a free book library at the train station in my hometown, so EADJ decided to review this book found on the rack this week: "Pregnancy & Work" by Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick. It's a straight-talking guide for women to plan and enjoy a working pregnancy.

Here are some of the top tips this book gives to working mothers-to-be. (Keep in mind that this was published in 1984)

• Pregnant women can experience poor circulation of the legs. Try to avoid restrictive clothing at work like leg warmers, parachute pants or stretch stirrup pants. (Page 33)

• If "Sunglasses At Night" by Corey Hart starts playing on the work radio, try not to get so excited that your water breaks. (Page 45)

• Whether you're a secretary, a stewardess or a woman lawyer, you should know your legal rights. Don't let any of your boss men fire you just because you're pregnant. (Page 77)

• If you start having contractions at work and need to take a taxi to the hospital, use your enormous shoulder pads to rest your sweaty head. (Page 78)

• Avoid dangerous inhalants at work. Instead of copy machine toner, use carbon paper, Mimeograph or a Thermofax to make copies. (Page 81)

• To protect your unborn baby from massive radiation, try to avoid riding in any cars with a car phone installed. (Page 90)

• If you happen to work as a bouncer named Dalton in a road house that has gotten too rowdy and rough, clean things up by confronting the town's bully and rich person Tilghman... Oh the movie "Road House" didn't come out until 1989? Shit, there goes that joke. (Page 93)

• If giving birth at the office, go ahead and deliver it on top of the copy machine. That way you can document how the baby comes out. (Page 96)

• Avoid lifting heavy objects like cellular phones, "keytars," or computer monitors. (Page 99)

• If the pressures of work stress and your pregnancy start to make you panic, just relax knowing that in 28 years, a terrific James Bond movie named "Skyfall" will have been released. (Page 103)

• If you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time. If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting, time after time (Track 4)

• Being pregnant doesn't mean you have to slow down- wear Charlie cologne spray to show those men who's really in charge here! (Advertisement on page 108)

• One of the most inconsiderate things you can do to your co-workers is leave placenta all over the break room. Tidy up afterwards, people! (Page 118)