Newest Rewards Added to the AMC Stubs Program

AMC Theatres are retaining their moviegoing customers with their hugely successful Stubs membership program. A yearly subscription gets you plenty of in-theatre perks, and the list is constantly growing. Here are the latest new benefits of signing up:

• 5 extra minutes of trailers to movies you have no intention of seeing

• Raisinets / Goobers exchange program

• A promise not to have someone with huge hair sit in front of you

• If you're suffering from hemorrhoids, we will scrunch up a bag of popcorn into one o' those donut cushions for you

• First dibs on a special Lady Sybil Crawley edition Downton Abbey popcorn bucket 

• Special glasses that make it look like you're watching a movie at home rather than with a bunch of random losers

Está Invitado

Spotted on a religious pamphlet during a morning walk:

Jesus Christ. Played simultaneously by Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth.

I Just Don't Understand

Pictured below, the actual cover for the DVD movie "Making The Rules," starring Robin Thicke and Jaime Pressly.

This raises oh so many questions, but here goes:

1) Robin Thicke wants to act now?

2) Why did they use a cheap nighttime TMZ shot of Robin Thicke instead of a still from the movie?

3) Can Jaime Pressly sing?

4) Do the two of them sing some sort of duet in this?

5) Was it necessary to crop the top of both of their hair poofs?

6) What the Sam Shit does that tagline "Sometimes life takes an unexpected turn" mean?

7) Does Robin Thicke live in the city, while Jaime Pressly live in the beach, and this is a "Sleepless In Seattle" type dealie? Does she end up moving to the city for him, or does he end up moving to the beach for her?

8) Why is Jaime Pressly dressed up for dinner in the middle of the day?

9) Why is Jaime Pressly's name so far in on the right margin, compared to Robin Thicke's on the left?

10) Why, in spite of all this awfulness, do I still want to see this movie?

Strait Trippin'

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.




And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:


I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

Ain't No Time To Be Guffin' 'Bout No Lobsterfest®*

Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster rages on like a humming tumid erection in a sophomore's pants. And we at Red Lobster have not stopped inventing new, exciting ways for you to succumb to the onslaught of obscenely plentiful lobster tail, mainly because we're afraid that once we stop, our lives essentially lose meaning. Here are the latest machinations from our laboratory of crustaceanism:

• We design a plasticine, protective fiberglass shell for you and your family to wear on your backs like lobsters. You'll conduct your day as usual, but now with the benefit of an exoskeleton to protect you from predators. And once you spend a week in your shells, you can appreciate how effective the exoskeletons are and then come to the restaurant and eat the everloving shit out of those stupid lobsters that didn't stand a chance against MAN! LOL! Stupid lobsters! HUMANS FUCKING OWN! That seems to indicate a sort of way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, but we could be mistaken.

• We fashion a gigantic slingshot from the crossbeams of our building. You sit in front of the slingshot as we load a bale (like of hay!) of lobster meat into the slingshot, pull it back as far as we can, and then ask you if you want a baleful of "THE MEAT." If you say no, we all act disappointed, disassemble the slingshot and sigh really loudly for the rest of the day. It would somewhat appear that that would be a way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterest® at Red Lobster, now that I think about it.

• You've heard of "CSI," right? Well, we'd do our version of it, but instead of murder victims, it would be people who couldn't decide what to have for dinner. Every episode would end with one of our "cops" suggesting that you should maybe have the lobster. See, that's the way we solve mysteries in OUR CITY. That concludes this special encore presentation of an episode of "CSI: Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!"

• We email you a coupon, and you delete it. That's a cyber-way to download lobster.doc at Lobsterfest®.com at http://www.RedLobster.geocities.org.

• We sprinkle lobster with crab meat. And with every bite you take of this concoction, you can't tell where the lobster starts and the crab ends. This forces you to re-evaluate everything you know about seafood, taking you on a vision quest to find your spirit animal, which by all accounts (and pretty much beyond our control) turns out to be a llama. See, that's no way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, is it? No.

• We vomit butter into your lap. You get really angry and threaten to sue. It's then that we introduce you to Jillian, who's been working here for about 3 months. You fall in love with her, but it turns out she's actually a cardboard standee of actress Ellen Barkin. I don't know what the fuck that just was, but it sure damn counts as enjoying lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• Your friend Terry swings by our restaurant and doesn't tell you he's there. Then when you find out about it later, you get all mad because you were just down the street and he didn't bother to call you over. But it's all good, because he has that seven bucks he owes you for the time you spotted him when you guys when to see "Green Lantern." Terry's co-worker Paul even wrote down on a whiteboard:
"LOBSTER + LOBSTERFEST® X RED LOBSTER = PLEASE FORGIVE TERRY."

* I honestly wrote this entire entry drunk off Bud Light Lime, which for me these days only takes about 5.