Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's conservative radio show continues to dominate the radio market. And how does he do that? By floating out the weirdest, most out there conspiracies that his staff of writers can pull out of their ass. Here are the newest conspiracy stories that they're hoping will catch on:

• Head On—apply directly to forehead—is actually nuclear waste collected from Chernobyl. That's why it works!

• Al Gore's 2006 documentary "An Inconvenient Truth" used 4 trillion drums of oil just to get the film printed.

• Androgynous mannequins indoctrinate our kids into wanting to wear perverted "unisex" clothing.

• Banjos are actually elaborate hand-strummed kazoos, and banjo players are just humming.

• If you take the last word of dialogue from every Pixar movie from the past 13 years, it says "The, Far, Left, Lunatics, Are, Trying, To, Destroy, America, With, Woke, TV, Shows"

Mildy Interesting

Air Fryer, Air Jordan, Air Fryer.

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

UAG

The Pathmark of the Beast

EADJ Halloween Costume Roundup

Halloween is only a few weeks away, and there are two types of people: the nerds who have been patiently preparing their costume for over 10 months in their garage, and folks who will stumble into the costume store on Halloween afternoon, desperate to take anything on sale. Before we get to that point, let's review some of the new costume arrivals at your local Halloween costume store:

But seriously, this sexy-version-of-anything trend has to stop. I don't want Gandalf or King Kong or a Fry Guy to be fuckable. Sexy ladies have PLENTY of options for costumes already- nurse, cheerleader, schoolteacher, Playboy bunny, hula girl, Indian maiden, etc etc etc.

And Jesus, what does that say about me if suddenly I do want to fuck a Fry Guy?

Here's An Untested Pet Theory

Theory: All advertisements for shitty reality shows must contain at least one person folding their arms.

I guess I should have collected a lot more samples to test this theory. Uh, stay tuned to this blog for more, soon.

Overheard At The Living Nativity Scene

"Well, this itches more than I thought it would."

"Psst, what's the Packers/Lions score?"

"Aw man, what did you feed the goat?"

"That drummer boy is really starting to annoy me."

"I just realized that half of us are in a band."
"I know they mean well, but it's really distracting when passing cars honk their horns."
"Applebee's."
"I'm doing this for purely political reasons."
"Dude, I don't think a Rottweiler was in Bethlehem."
"Joseph. Stop staring at my chest."
"Does this count as cosplay?"
"Why is the baby black?"
"This manger wasn't built by a competent carpenter, I'll tell you that much."
"How ironic. The Comfort Inn across the street says 'No Vacancy.'"
"Sheeeeeeeeeee-ip."
"Hágame el favor de hablar más despacio."
"This will get me on IMDb, right?"
"Onion bagels? Fucking hell, Tom, I specifically said plain or raisin bagels."
"Okay, who has the air horn?"
"I look good in this."

Come Ride the META-BUS

Spotted in Midtown Manhattan, a bus with an airbrushed painting of ITSELF ON THE BACK.

That's right, bitches. This bus is such hot shit, it wanted its own likeness tattooed on its ass! How full of itself is this bus? That's fucking arrogant and AWESOME.

Even the eagle grabbing a fish out of the lake is amazed by the bus. "Oh, don't mind me, an endangered national bird doing something awesome like fishing from the sky. I just spotted the fucking blue METABUS driving by, with its motherfucking HEADLIGHTS ON IN THE DAYTIME, driving into the dark blue unknown OF ITS OWN PAINT JOB!!!!!! HOLY ASS, THAT IS SOME HOT SHIT!!!!"

9801 FOR LIFE, COCKSUCKERS!

Spotted At The Newark Airport

Helpful grooming tip: Take care of your unibrow before growing a mustache; otherwise, you end up looking like an equals sign.




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Have I Found Her?

Way, way back in April 2007, I found this random photo developed along with my own at a CVS:


Fast forward five years to the American Airlines Admiral's Club in St. Louis. And after I've had six beers. Mein Gott, I think I've spotted her!





Chalk it up to my photographic memory and devotion to this blog. Or either attribute it to my drunk ass sadly surfing my own blog at an airport. But you have to admit, there is a resemblance. Why she would keep the same hairstyle after 5 years doesn't make a lot of sense, but hell, I've done it.

Some would point out that the girl at the airport doesn't have that birthmark on her left cheek like the girl in the photo. But she easily could've had that removed with laser surgery or a pen knife.


I dunno. I'm pretty convinced I could work for the FBI.

How Nice.

A girl brings enough pizza for the entire flight.

I Guess I'm Not Expensing This Receipt.

Probably Not Going To Be a Second Date

Spotted at a romantic fondue place in Atlantic City, some dude checks on the Cardinals score and blows any chance for second base. See what I did there?

Let's Pretend To Trip In Front of the EADJ Mail Sack So That It Thinks We're Naturally Clumsy!

Submitted by Andrew, a link to Gawker.com wherein Ice-T actually tells Aimee Mann via Twitter to "eat a hot bowl of dicks."


Link is here.

Now, I enjoy a good celebrity feud as much as the next woman, but a rivalry between hardcore rapper and former Body Count frontman Ice-T versus progressive folk rock darling Aimee Mann doesn't feel at all like a level playing field. That's like Ol' Dirty Bastard vs. Shawn Colvin or Kanye West vs Taylor Swift. No, wait...

Hey, Look.

My favorite electronic duo from the 90's.

Adriana Lima Remains Unimpressed.

Here's Eminem freestyling on the Tim Westwood Show on BBC 1 for a full 8 minutes:




Adriana Lima admits that this Enimen man has talent but thinks he gets a little repetitious and nasal. She much prefers listening to Brazilian samba, forró, or Bossa nova music.


In 2006, Chemists at Dresden's Technical University discovered carbon nanotubes in the microstructure of a 17th century Damascus sabre, revealing that medieval Muslim sword-smiths used such advanced technique in forging their swords during the Crusades.



Adriana Lima thinks she has a set of knives somewhere in her condo in the French West Indies, but her manservant Ramnaresh usually slices the limes for her poolside caipirinhas.


In 1998, Jari Kuosma of Finland and Robert Pečnik of Croatia teamed up to create the first wingsuit offered to the general public for skydiving and BASE Jumping.



Adriana Lima has never heard of such an activity. When shooting for BCBG on the peak of Pão de Açúcar in Rio, she takes a cable car or helicopter like a normal supermodel.

An IM Convo With Patrick

Citywide Alert

-------------------------------------Wednesday, 3/4/09
The New York Department of Public Flyaways and Frizzies
Memo For Immediate Release


11:33:45 AM--------------

THE NY DEPT OF PUBLIC FLYAWAYS AND FRIZZIES HAS ANNOUNCED A PUBLIC DANGER IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. SOURCES IN COLLABORATION WITH THE NYDPFF HAVE CONFIRMED THE EXISTENCE OF ERRANT BALLS OF HAIR, OR "HAIRBALLS," CIRCULATING THROUGHOUT THE CITY. REFER TO PHOTOS 1A-3A FOR VISUAL CONFIRMATION, AIDED BY RED ARROWS THAT INDICATE THE DANGER.


THESE "HAIRBALLS" APPEAR SIMILAR TO TUMBLEWEEDS AND DRIED BUSHES FOUND IN ARIZONA AND UTAH. HOWEVER, INSTEAD OF BEING MADE OF DRIED PLANT MATTER, THESE APPEAR TO CONSIST OF HAIR EXTENSIONS AND DETACHED HAIR WEAVES.


THESE "HAIRBALLS," -OR AS SOMEONE CLEVER IN OUR DEPARTMENT REFERRED TO IT DURING BREAK- "TUMBLEWEAVES," ARE NOT KNOWN TO BE DANGEROUS. HOWEVER, THEY DO NOT APPEAR TO BE SAFE, EITHER.


THE NYDPFF URGES THE PUBLIC NOT TO APPROACH, TOUCH, OR CATCH TO THESE "TUMBLEWEAVES" (IT IS A PRETTY CATCHY NAME, HOWARD). THEY ARE INSTRUCTED TO INSTEAD NOTIFY THE NYDPFF BY DIALING "811."


ANY NEW YORK RESIDENTS OR VISITORS WHO ENCOUNTER FUTURE "TUMBLEWEAVES" ARE URGED TO STAY OUT OF WHATEVER TRAJECTORY THEY ARE ROLLING AND TO STAY INDOORS. LIKE MAYBE CATCH THAT NEW TYLER PERRY MOVIE, "MADEA GOES TO JAIL." THAT LOOKS KIND OF FUNNY.

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