Asking the Important Questions

Young MC’s video for “Bust a Move” is misleading. The lyrics have the main character hook up with a “bridesmaid” at a wedding, but the video shows the guy running away with the bride.

So which is it, Young MC?

Track List From The Broadway "The Bridges of Madison County" Musical

For those who haven't seen it yet, here is the list of songs to expect when watching "The Bridges of Madison County" on Broadway, playing until sometime next month. Or sooner.

1) "That's Not Clint Eastwood"

2) "Whiny Hausfrau"

3) "Soooooo Bored With My Marriage"

4) "A Nice Drive (Through Changing Leaves)"

5) "(So Am I Supposed To Pretend) This is Romantic?"

6) "Balls Deep"

7) "Once Again We Meet Again"

8) "Bali Ha'i"

9) "He Don't Love You (The Way I Love You), Bitch"

10) "Tagging That Ass Under Bridge Support Beams"

11) "Penis"

12) "A Toast To Us"

13) "Autumnal Booty / Bumping Uglies Under The Moon"

14) "Balls Deep (Reprise)"

15) "What The Hell Are You Doing With My Wife In This Stupid Bridge?"

16) "Bridge Duel: Part One"

17) "No Don't Francis"

18) "Bridge Duel: Part Two"

19) "Another Brick In The Wall: Part Two"

20) "Wait, I Just Noticed That's Not Meryl Streep"

21) "Finale / Packin' My Summer Dresses"

Happy Halloween From EADJ

We at EADJ hope you have a safe and prosperous Halloween. From the lunch ladies who serve food wearing gross witch costumes to the Halloween Headquarters employees making fun of all the slack-ass last minute shoppers, we hope you all enjoy a nice fun sized Zagnut on us.

Now onto today's entry:

Cold Stone Creamery's Secret Menu

Fine eating establishments like In 'N Out Burger and even Starbucks have been known to have secret menus, but did you know Cold Stone Creamery actually has one as well? Turns out that there are even larger sizes beyond the posted ones.

Like It (approximately 5 oz)

Love It (approximately 8 oz)

Gotta Have It (approximately 12 oz)

Really Want It (approximately 15 oz)

Seriously Fucking Need It (approximately 19 oz)

Jonesing For It In A Bad Way (approximately 20 oz)

Really, Really, Really Need It, Man, C'mon (approximately 28 oz)

Not Going To Frickin' Ask You Twice For It (approximately 32 oz)

I Can Quit It Anytime (approximately 35 oz)

Might Have To Pawn My TV For It (approximately 40 oz)

My Wife Will Leave Me If I Continue It (approximately 43 oz)

Look At How Hard My Dick Is I Want It So Bad (approximately 49 oz)

To Hell With My Family's Intervention About It (approximately 52 oz)

I Hate Myself But It's Bigger Than Me Now (approximately 55 oz)

Would Rape My Grandmother For It (approximately 68 oz)

Order any of these next time you're at Cold Stone Creamery!

Marty McFly's Girlfriend Fails EADJ

Okay, this might be the dumbest EADJ entry you read today (unless you peruse our archives).

Since I am a huge "Star Wars" fan, it's not all that surprising that I am also a majorly huge "Back To The Future" fan. I can tell you the date Doc Brown invented time travel (November 5, 1955). I know that Marty McFly's band in the Battle of the Bands was named The Pinheads. And I know that when Marty crashed the Delorean into Old Man Peabody's barn, his kid pulled out a (fictional) "Tales From Space" comic book. So when it was brought to my attention that Claudia Wells, the actress who played Marty McFly's girlfriend in "Back To The Future" would sign the back of a "Save The Clock Tower" flyer with a personalized "I love you" and her (character's) phone number for a mere $12 plus shipping and handling, I was like, Great Scott!

I'm pretty sure I remember having a crush on Claudia Wells when I was a sophomore in high school. That's not half as creepy as a married man with a crush on her at 42. Shut up.

Now, when I ordered a Claudia Wells-signed flyer, I made *DAMN* sure to fill out the "Special request for autograph?' section. This is literally what I put:

So days later when that shit showed up on my doorstep, you know I was as excited as Griff Tannen (Biff's grandson) was when he had Marty cornered on the pond on the hoverboard in "BTTF 2."

By this time you must be wondering, well, did Claudia Wells from "Back To The Future" actually write EAT A DICK JOEL on a replica prop flyer for me? Did she? I flipped the flyer over.

Goddammit, Claudia! I gave you 14 bucks and CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS on what to write! "Oh, but Jennifer Parker wouldn't write something as off-color as 'Eat a dick, Joel'" she might argue. Well, I don't think a good girl like Jennifer Parker would sneak behind Marty's back and write "I love you" to any Tom, Biff or Harry who throws $14.50 at her, either.

You know what? Whatever. Claudia Wells may have disappointed this fan and this entire blog by not writing the most interesting thing ever on the back of a "Save The Clock Tower" flyer, but I will continue to be a fan of that movie regardless.

This whole experience sort of left a bad taste in my mouth. I almost want to a do-over. Like go back in time to last week when I found out about these flyers and warn myself not to pay the $14.50 to Claudia Wells so that she won't not write "EAT A DICK JOEL" on a stupid flyer that's not even the real flyer from the movie, etc etc etc.

To The Male Employee At The Place Where I Work Who's Too Lazy To Take The Elevator Down To The Lobby To Go Outside And Have Your Stupid Cigarette:

1) You're stinking up the men's bathroom with your cigarette.

2) You're a filthy asshole.

3) You're not fooling anybody.

Somehow Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

We pored through our EADJ files and discovered that we have even more off-brand TP to review. Who knew we could pull another entry out of our ass and then drag its abrasive surface over our raw asshole?


Brand: Chalet Premium Quality 2-Ply Tissue
Label: Elegant script font over a ghosted photo of a majestic castle.
Feels Like: Wiping with hot, igneous rock.


Brand: M 1-Ply Recycled Bath Tissue
Label: Four pine trees in a giant "M"
Feels Like: "H"


Brand: Decor Cascades
Label: Blue lettering with an icon of a toilet paper roll. Brilliant.
Feels Like: Wiping with brand new roof shingles.


Brand: Blue Mist Facial Quality 1-Ply
Label: Raining clouds
Feels Like: Your mother-in-law screaming into your asshole.


Brand: Livi VPG
Label: Crazed flock of birds attacking a cursive "L"
Feels Like: Your anus is a hummingbird birdfeeder.


Brand: Regal 2-Ply Facial Quality Bathroom Tissue
Label: A green coat of arms featuring a lion rampant
Feels Like: A pine cone wipeant.


Brand: CAPRI PREMIUM 2 Ply
Label: Blue flower shower stickers on a wavy background.
Feels Like: Crushed up crab shells glued to an emory board.

Programming Note

EADJ is pleased to announce that this week is ALL NEW TAGS WEEK, meaning that all of the blog labels you below each post this week will be brand new. This is a fairly new development, as we recently ponied up for more photo storage on this bad boy.

The drawback to this, however, is that any tag you click on will lead you no previous posts now. But we are seeding for the FUTURE, me lads!