"Put My Heels On" is a peppy, uptempo country tune that starts the album off with the same energy that Robin does with her CNN morning show. And much like her morning show, there's little substance and a lot of commercial interruptions. Searing with fiddle and guitar, Robin rides this bucking bronco like a newsanchor who has no business not being a newsanchor. There's even the lyric "It's like NASCAR out there running off the highway." I shit you not, woman.
"A Nice Bunch Of Girls" begins "there was a time/ that I thought that I /was going crazy." She reveals later that she herself is that nice bunch of girls with all her different facets. "I'm a nice bunch of girls" because she's so complex! Three minutes of two seconds of pure self-empowerment. Then there's a series of celebratory "me, myself and I" interwoven with the chorus at the end. And armpit farts, courtesy of me.
The third track is a cover of the Richard Marx song "Right Here Waiting" with American Idol winner Bo Bice harmonizing. It's every bit as much of a Walmart abortion as it sounds like. This is proof that God hates you.
"Never Alone" is the fourth track and successfully transforms this entire CD into the "Joshua Tree" of country albums with its lyricism and emotional scope. I'm kidding. It blows my nuts just as much as the rest of it.
This album's fifth track, "Letting It Go" is more of Robin's nasal, atonal caterwauling, but this time with an awful lot of piano tinkling. If you ever took a dump in a Cracker Barrel and looked back, this is what it would sound like.
"Rain." It begins slowly and quietly, and Robin's vocals weaves itself in with emotional urgency. "When I pray/ I just pray that it rains" is the chorus' pithy refrain. "For every tear that I've felt roll down my face/ for every time that I've blamed someone for my mistakes/ I just close my eyes and turn my heart to the sky/ and let it all fall down." I think Robin wrote these lyrics when she was in the 7th grade and had a crush on her gym teacher. Thank God someone committed these words to music.
Robin's seventh attempt at a CMA is "In Valentine," the poignant story of a small town named Valentine in Nebraska. I couldn't tell the rest of this story, because the song gave me sharp gas pains, and Robin singing through her nose made me have to take an enormous dump, which turned out to be just loud, painful gas. What a rip.
Billy Dean lends his talents to this next track, "Morning Sunshine." And if you have ever caught yourself in a situation where you thought, Great God- the only thing that could save this situation would be some lending vocals from Billy Dean, you know you're fucked.
The next track is "Welcome Home (ft. Jim Brickman)." Now, I don't know if any of you have ever had Jim Brickman at your home, but let me tell you– he's a fucking dick. He takes a pee all over your toilet seat and sweats all over your good sheets; he rearranges all the furniture in your guest room and leaves it that way, and he eats most of your Rocky Road ice cream but leaves enough to not have to throw it away. I tell you, man, Jim Brickman fucking sucks.
"Because You Think I Can" is the musical rantings of a delusional newsanchor-turned-country singer who thanks the many supportive fans that she has who don't really think she can sing but support her because they actually want to bone her. True musical inspiration.
John Rich of the country act Big 'N Rich guest spots on this next track, "You Will." I really have nothing more to add here, except to comment that he really kicked ass in that last "Celebrity Apprentice."
And holy shit if Robin Meade didn't pull out all the stops for her countrified cover of Don Henley's "Dirty Laundry" with guests Bo Bice, Kix Brooks, Gary Burr, Sarah Buxton, And Victoria Shaw. It's like a "We Are The World" of who-the-fuck-are-these-people. USA For What The Hey.
Overall grade: F
Buy her album at Target or here, you masochist, you.
No comments:
Post a Comment